March 31, 2006, 4:15pm
So, I went to the clinic, waited for 45 minutes. Got fed up sitting there while my head was working on my paper. Finally got to see the nurse and she said the test results were normal.
SNAFU.
So what's wrong in me that causes all these joint pain and irregular period?
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
March 28, 2006, 1:18pm
Yeah, I got my statistics exam done! So, time to work on the paper due this Friday. :)
I had a blood test at 8am. No food, no water for nearly 12 hours. Then, took the exam at 10:30am. I was worrying if I could actually do it. So, I made it!
And the presentation yesterday went OK. Time to breathe a little bit.
Yeah, I got my statistics exam done! So, time to work on the paper due this Friday. :)
I had a blood test at 8am. No food, no water for nearly 12 hours. Then, took the exam at 10:30am. I was worrying if I could actually do it. So, I made it!
And the presentation yesterday went OK. Time to breathe a little bit.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
March 26, 2006, 2:59pm
I'm still working on my presentation of child attachment. Have been working on this for two days already.
Well, it talks about how children react after separation from their parents. Basically, 1. Secure children are happy to explore around when parents are present. After separation from parents, they are happy in the reunion; 2. anxious children are anxious even though parents are present. They cannot be easily comforted after separation from parents; 3. Avoidant children don't seem to be happy when parents come back after separation. They try to avoid the parents; 4. Disorganized children have unresolved issues in their attachment history (well, not sure what this means).
I just feel, is there any studies about how parents react? Reading all these papers remind me about the separation stories in my own childhood. I remember countless times I got separated from that sick pig in the wet market before I moved to Sha tin. So, it was before when I was 8.
Many times I suddenly found that that pig was out of sight. Also many times, both my brother and I didn't see her so we would be standing in the middle of the street, looking and waiting for her.
Yet, every time, she would be scolding us for disappearing. Just totally sick. Why would it be the child's responsibility? She's the parent. She's not watching out for us. Separation occurred so many times, so often, yet she simply wouldn't find a way to prevent this from happening. Only scolding.
Well, all those years I was scolded and didn't fireback. Then when I grow up and fireback, I'm just doing more wrong, in her perspective.
What is that? It doesn't make any sense at all. Well, thinking back, she has never made any sense perhaps all her life.
I'm still working on my presentation of child attachment. Have been working on this for two days already.
Well, it talks about how children react after separation from their parents. Basically, 1. Secure children are happy to explore around when parents are present. After separation from parents, they are happy in the reunion; 2. anxious children are anxious even though parents are present. They cannot be easily comforted after separation from parents; 3. Avoidant children don't seem to be happy when parents come back after separation. They try to avoid the parents; 4. Disorganized children have unresolved issues in their attachment history (well, not sure what this means).
I just feel, is there any studies about how parents react? Reading all these papers remind me about the separation stories in my own childhood. I remember countless times I got separated from that sick pig in the wet market before I moved to Sha tin. So, it was before when I was 8.
Many times I suddenly found that that pig was out of sight. Also many times, both my brother and I didn't see her so we would be standing in the middle of the street, looking and waiting for her.
Yet, every time, she would be scolding us for disappearing. Just totally sick. Why would it be the child's responsibility? She's the parent. She's not watching out for us. Separation occurred so many times, so often, yet she simply wouldn't find a way to prevent this from happening. Only scolding.
Well, all those years I was scolded and didn't fireback. Then when I grow up and fireback, I'm just doing more wrong, in her perspective.
What is that? It doesn't make any sense at all. Well, thinking back, she has never made any sense perhaps all her life.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
March 25, 2006, 7:37pm
I went boating! My first time boating... that is, I actually had to propel the boat with the pedal. I saw many tadpoles too. The baby frogs. :)
It's the spring barbeque in the Chinese church this afternoon. Everyone tried to squeeze some time to breathe in the last month of the spring semester.
Wouldn't it be great to be a kid again? Don't even bother the world around. Just dig at what he finds interesting.
I went boating! My first time boating... that is, I actually had to propel the boat with the pedal. I saw many tadpoles too. The baby frogs. :)
It's the spring barbeque in the Chinese church this afternoon. Everyone tried to squeeze some time to breathe in the last month of the spring semester.
Wouldn't it be great to be a kid again? Don't even bother the world around. Just dig at what he finds interesting.
Friday, March 24, 2006
March 24, 2006, 11:13pm
So, I went to the women's clinic today after a friend said abnormal bleeding can be a symptom of cancer. You see, I still want to live.
As usual, just whatever you tell them anything wrong down there, they would just make you do the pap smear. I just wonder if there's any paper written linking pap smear and health economics. They can make this test a ritual and you just have to pay for it. How many pap smear tests are done every year? How much people earn from making women to do that? How many women actually catch cervical cancer early doing a regular pap smear?
Sure, I'm biased. Probably read too much gender literature back in London. Pap smear is like rape. Pap smear is to control women's sexuality... Well, sometimes I think, after foot-binding, high heels, bra... pap smear is socially constructed to make women do it. You just have to do it. This is for your own good...
Just don't know how nearly everyone would tell you pap smear doesn't hurt... all that stuff. Then, if you don't do it once a year, it's like, you're not doing what you should do for your own health. Well, foot-binding was once "attractive." High heels are expected in workplace and the ballroom. Are these things good for women? From which perspective?
An Egyptian friend said some time ago, that white people said muslim women wearing the veil is oppressive. She simply wouldn't agree. Well, this is the never-ending (to me) controversy in multiculturalism. I don't know enough to say if wearing the veil is oppressive or not. Yet, for so many things, why are the traditions and customs of non-white cultures oppressive? Yet so many things white women do or are supposed to do are not made problematic?
Why is pap smear not oppressive? It hurts!
Postcolonialism.
Well, anyways, I'll have to do a blood test for thyroid problem and polycystic ovary next Tuesday. Need to do fasting for 8 hours... I'll have the blood test at 8am then will have my statistics exam at 10:30am.
This is crazy.
So, I went to the women's clinic today after a friend said abnormal bleeding can be a symptom of cancer. You see, I still want to live.
As usual, just whatever you tell them anything wrong down there, they would just make you do the pap smear. I just wonder if there's any paper written linking pap smear and health economics. They can make this test a ritual and you just have to pay for it. How many pap smear tests are done every year? How much people earn from making women to do that? How many women actually catch cervical cancer early doing a regular pap smear?
Sure, I'm biased. Probably read too much gender literature back in London. Pap smear is like rape. Pap smear is to control women's sexuality... Well, sometimes I think, after foot-binding, high heels, bra... pap smear is socially constructed to make women do it. You just have to do it. This is for your own good...
Just don't know how nearly everyone would tell you pap smear doesn't hurt... all that stuff. Then, if you don't do it once a year, it's like, you're not doing what you should do for your own health. Well, foot-binding was once "attractive." High heels are expected in workplace and the ballroom. Are these things good for women? From which perspective?
An Egyptian friend said some time ago, that white people said muslim women wearing the veil is oppressive. She simply wouldn't agree. Well, this is the never-ending (to me) controversy in multiculturalism. I don't know enough to say if wearing the veil is oppressive or not. Yet, for so many things, why are the traditions and customs of non-white cultures oppressive? Yet so many things white women do or are supposed to do are not made problematic?
Why is pap smear not oppressive? It hurts!
Postcolonialism.
Well, anyways, I'll have to do a blood test for thyroid problem and polycystic ovary next Tuesday. Need to do fasting for 8 hours... I'll have the blood test at 8am then will have my statistics exam at 10:30am.
This is crazy.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
March 22, 2006, 11:22pm
Can you believe that? 1/4 of the year has already gone... How can it be? What should I do with the rest of my semester... I really don't know how I can finish all the work.
BTW, my m simply wouldn't stop for nearly 4 weeks... For 4 months it wouldn't come... then it's this never-ending 4 weeks. Will I die because of this?
Can you believe that? 1/4 of the year has already gone... How can it be? What should I do with the rest of my semester... I really don't know how I can finish all the work.
BTW, my m simply wouldn't stop for nearly 4 weeks... For 4 months it wouldn't come... then it's this never-ending 4 weeks. Will I die because of this?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
March 18, 2006, 9:16pm
This is the tree outside my front door. I took this three days ago. Stepped out... suddenly feeling, spring has come! :D
I went to St. Augustine again. Last month I didn't go to the beach. So, this time I went to Crescent Beach.
It's huge. Unbelievable. So windy... I actually had my winter jacket on the whole time. Don't know how so many people could be in their shorts and swimming suits sunbathing...
Friends lined up to climb up the Anatasia Lighthouse. It's the lighthouse festival today and admission was free... well, I could only wait for them.
http://www.lighthouseratings.com/Augustine/
It looks real cool inside... Friends, if you can still enjoy walking, please do wholeheartedly.
While I was waiting, I captured this touching moment...
The little kid looked at me before she climbed down the steps. She tried to walk by herself, holding the rail with her two hands. Then, her dad asked the bigger sister to hold her hand.
Looks like it means a lot of trust to reach out a hand to be held.
When my brother was 5 (I'm pretty sure he's 5. I remember exactly he's in kindergarten and the story happened in Sha Tin), one day, he said he realized why I always walked the steps faster than him. He noted that I climbed the steps one foot at a time but he had to put one foot on the step, then another foot on the same step.
So, I taught him to climb one step one foot. While I was teaching, that stupid fat pig had already gone very far and I told her to wait because my brother was learning to walk the steps. She's in her usual irritated tone said we're slow.
Well, if it's normal development, most 2-year-olds can climb the steps one foot at a time. I really have no idea what I have missed all those childhood years. What is it like to be a normal kid? Feeling protected? Guided? Loved? What is normal? Perhaps desirable?
Up there, I truly feel there's a higher power watching over me. I don't think I can make it until today, still alive, if it's all by myself.
This is the tree outside my front door. I took this three days ago. Stepped out... suddenly feeling, spring has come! :D
I went to St. Augustine again. Last month I didn't go to the beach. So, this time I went to Crescent Beach.
It's huge. Unbelievable. So windy... I actually had my winter jacket on the whole time. Don't know how so many people could be in their shorts and swimming suits sunbathing...
Friends lined up to climb up the Anatasia Lighthouse. It's the lighthouse festival today and admission was free... well, I could only wait for them.
http://www.lighthouseratings.com/Augustine/It looks real cool inside... Friends, if you can still enjoy walking, please do wholeheartedly.
While I was waiting, I captured this touching moment...
The little kid looked at me before she climbed down the steps. She tried to walk by herself, holding the rail with her two hands. Then, her dad asked the bigger sister to hold her hand.Looks like it means a lot of trust to reach out a hand to be held.
When my brother was 5 (I'm pretty sure he's 5. I remember exactly he's in kindergarten and the story happened in Sha Tin), one day, he said he realized why I always walked the steps faster than him. He noted that I climbed the steps one foot at a time but he had to put one foot on the step, then another foot on the same step.
So, I taught him to climb one step one foot. While I was teaching, that stupid fat pig had already gone very far and I told her to wait because my brother was learning to walk the steps. She's in her usual irritated tone said we're slow.
Well, if it's normal development, most 2-year-olds can climb the steps one foot at a time. I really have no idea what I have missed all those childhood years. What is it like to be a normal kid? Feeling protected? Guided? Loved? What is normal? Perhaps desirable?
Up there, I truly feel there's a higher power watching over me. I don't think I can make it until today, still alive, if it's all by myself.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
March 16, 2006, 9:56pm
Very strange. I wanted to get the tax filing done in the break. So, got the forms sent out two days ago... and it's back to my mailbox today!!!
Why... very puzzled. Anyways, I used the tax program the International Center provided to generate the forms again. It's then I know I actually made lots of mistakes filling out the form without the program.
BTW, I finally cleaned my apartment. Bleach... I think I'm addicted with the smell. :D
I may not have any time to clean until the exams are done...
Very strange. I wanted to get the tax filing done in the break. So, got the forms sent out two days ago... and it's back to my mailbox today!!!
Why... very puzzled. Anyways, I used the tax program the International Center provided to generate the forms again. It's then I know I actually made lots of mistakes filling out the form without the program.
BTW, I finally cleaned my apartment. Bleach... I think I'm addicted with the smell. :D
I may not have any time to clean until the exams are done...
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
March 15, 2006, 5:13pm
Now the grading is finally done. I'm about to begin working on my statistics assignment.
Just to write about my dream this morning. It's very vague. It's not like a nightmare that I woke up feeling horrible... Just unpleasant and I cannot remember much.
I was back in Hong Kong. Don't know where that is. Don't remember seeing anything but I thought I was in Hong Kong. I saw my mother. Then we're in the usual unpleasant conversations...
Not sure why but I was having a problem to come back to Florida. I wanted to come back but there's something happening and I have to deal with that. Don't know what that was.
I think this is actually a recurring dream. I remember I had similar dreams before. Somehow I was in Hong Kong, then had all sort of troubles to come back. For example, having troubles to get an air ticket, or I forgot to book a ticket and the exam time was about to come...
What do all these dreams mean? My counselor said, if I can interpret the dreams "correctly," it will go away. So, it's easier if I have many people trying to interpret the dreams. More heads can probably come up with more interpretations.
Please help~~~
Now the grading is finally done. I'm about to begin working on my statistics assignment.
Just to write about my dream this morning. It's very vague. It's not like a nightmare that I woke up feeling horrible... Just unpleasant and I cannot remember much.
I was back in Hong Kong. Don't know where that is. Don't remember seeing anything but I thought I was in Hong Kong. I saw my mother. Then we're in the usual unpleasant conversations...
Not sure why but I was having a problem to come back to Florida. I wanted to come back but there's something happening and I have to deal with that. Don't know what that was.
I think this is actually a recurring dream. I remember I had similar dreams before. Somehow I was in Hong Kong, then had all sort of troubles to come back. For example, having troubles to get an air ticket, or I forgot to book a ticket and the exam time was about to come...
What do all these dreams mean? My counselor said, if I can interpret the dreams "correctly," it will go away. So, it's easier if I have many people trying to interpret the dreams. More heads can probably come up with more interpretations.
Please help~~~
Monday, March 13, 2006
March 13, 2006, 9:46pm
Still grading exam papers in my office... Gradually I can see why I got such a high score on the GRE psychology subject test.
Many times I think, the PhD application process puts more obstacles for international students. TOEFL, GRE subject test... for fear that my qualification is not equivalent to theirs. So, they put me in the standardized tests.
Well, I truly feel that my qualification simply should not be equivalent to theirs. Theirs are most likely lower.
Still grading exam papers in my office... Gradually I can see why I got such a high score on the GRE psychology subject test.
Many times I think, the PhD application process puts more obstacles for international students. TOEFL, GRE subject test... for fear that my qualification is not equivalent to theirs. So, they put me in the standardized tests.
Well, I truly feel that my qualification simply should not be equivalent to theirs. Theirs are most likely lower.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
March 11, 2006, 5:55pm
I promised to upload the azaleas photos at UF. So, here you go. I always like the buds the best. The buds allow the imagination of how the flowers will become.
UF to me is the combination of CUHK and PolyU. Shadows of CUHK: Azaleas, pine trees etc. Shadows of PolyU: red bricks.
Now, I don't know what this kind of tree is called. I saw it in CUHK and Sha Tin too. I only recognize it because the little brown ball of fruit is a Chinese herb that I used to take: 路路通 (lulutong), literally "way way through." The scientific name is Fructus Liquidambaris.
Here's a published study of the chemicals in "way way through":
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=12579820&dopt=Abstract
I'm not sure but I think it's a kind of maple. The leaves turn red in the fall.
Many times I imagine myself to study Chinese medicine after my PhD... very mad. Well, maybe my next life, I don't know.
http://www.lib.cuhk.edu.hk/Exhibition/Hushiuying/
I truly admire Prof. Hu. I love animals since very small. I loved studying biology in F. 1 and F. 2. Then, the science teacher talked about cutting up rats in her F.6 class. A student cried nonstop when she found seven "bulks" inside the rat... the fetsuses.
Before that, I thought people cut up the rats, then sew them up, and the rats would walk again... Silly, isn't it? But that's really what I thought. I couldn't imagine people killing rats just because they wanted to see what's inside.
So, I didn't study biology after F.5. I didn't have to kill anything in F.1-F.5. I didn't ever touch the pig's lung, pig's heart or the bull's eye. Other people cut them up. I only "observed."
I might have been studying something else if I had the chance to study biology without the requirement to kill rats. It would be marvellous if I had Chinese medicine classes when I was younger.
Let's see how it will turn out. Maybe I'll really study Chinese medicine later. Before my life ends, I simply don't know how things will turn out. :)
I promised to upload the azaleas photos at UF. So, here you go. I always like the buds the best. The buds allow the imagination of how the flowers will become.UF to me is the combination of CUHK and PolyU. Shadows of CUHK: Azaleas, pine trees etc. Shadows of PolyU: red bricks.
Now, I don't know what this kind of tree is called. I saw it in CUHK and Sha Tin too. I only recognize it because the little brown ball of fruit is a Chinese herb that I used to take: 路路通 (lulutong), literally "way way through." The scientific name is Fructus Liquidambaris.Here's a published study of the chemicals in "way way through":
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=12579820&dopt=Abstract
I'm not sure but I think it's a kind of maple. The leaves turn red in the fall.
Many times I imagine myself to study Chinese medicine after my PhD... very mad. Well, maybe my next life, I don't know.
http://www.lib.cuhk.edu.hk/Exhibition/Hushiuying/
I truly admire Prof. Hu. I love animals since very small. I loved studying biology in F. 1 and F. 2. Then, the science teacher talked about cutting up rats in her F.6 class. A student cried nonstop when she found seven "bulks" inside the rat... the fetsuses.
Before that, I thought people cut up the rats, then sew them up, and the rats would walk again... Silly, isn't it? But that's really what I thought. I couldn't imagine people killing rats just because they wanted to see what's inside.
So, I didn't study biology after F.5. I didn't have to kill anything in F.1-F.5. I didn't ever touch the pig's lung, pig's heart or the bull's eye. Other people cut them up. I only "observed."
I might have been studying something else if I had the chance to study biology without the requirement to kill rats. It would be marvellous if I had Chinese medicine classes when I was younger.
Let's see how it will turn out. Maybe I'll really study Chinese medicine later. Before my life ends, I simply don't know how things will turn out. :)
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
March 7, 2006, 9:34pm
http://www.cusu.hk/cecg/
I saw the blooming azaleas in CUHK in the last three years. In the spring in 2003, I went to CUHK with my packs of GRE prep notes and books, usually once a week. Seeing students taking graduation photos. I wanted to be like them too.
In the spring in 2004, I didn't get any PhD offer. Was still in Hong Kong struggling with so many things. Was working on the PhD applications again... Thinking, maybe I'm not suitable to do a PhD.
In the spring in 2005, I went to CUHK every Saturday to have acupuncture. It's the blossoms of azaleas again. My knees were bad but finally, I got PhD offers.
I spent endless hours in the CUHK canteens and libraries, working on my PhD applications and freelance. The school has been my haven since when I was small. My family is chaotic.
The library is the place to hide. Then explore. It's where I can have peace.
I took some photos at UF last Sunday on the way to my office. I also have lots of azaleas here. Will find the time to upload them here in the spring break next week.
Got to work on my writing first.
http://www.cusu.hk/cecg/
I saw the blooming azaleas in CUHK in the last three years. In the spring in 2003, I went to CUHK with my packs of GRE prep notes and books, usually once a week. Seeing students taking graduation photos. I wanted to be like them too.
In the spring in 2004, I didn't get any PhD offer. Was still in Hong Kong struggling with so many things. Was working on the PhD applications again... Thinking, maybe I'm not suitable to do a PhD.
In the spring in 2005, I went to CUHK every Saturday to have acupuncture. It's the blossoms of azaleas again. My knees were bad but finally, I got PhD offers.
I spent endless hours in the CUHK canteens and libraries, working on my PhD applications and freelance. The school has been my haven since when I was small. My family is chaotic.
The library is the place to hide. Then explore. It's where I can have peace.
I took some photos at UF last Sunday on the way to my office. I also have lots of azaleas here. Will find the time to upload them here in the spring break next week.
Got to work on my writing first.
Friday, March 03, 2006
March 3, 2006, 2:05pm
The blood test said the things tested are normal...
Then, tell me why I have pain in my knees and elbows. They said, if the pain continues next week, I have to go back to have further tests.
Well, that is, to pay for another test or tests.
So many times I'm so frustrated about the biomedical approach. If you're interested, read:
Comaroff, J. (1982) “Medicine: Symbol and Ideology”, in Wright, P. & Treacher, A. (Eds.) The Problem of Medical Knowledge: Examining the Social Construction of Medicine. Edinburgh: Edinburgh UP
Lock, M. & Gordon, D. (Eds.) (1988) Biomedicine Examined. London: Kluwer Academic Publishers.
Medicine has its assumptions and it is not truth. Yet they present themselves as the almighty and they know what to do.
As I'm going through this joint pain for years, I begin to feel like seeing the doctors are like seeing witches. Most of the time they keep talking about the physics such as levers and weights. Well, yeah, you can create glorious stories like Greek mythologies to explain life.
Yet biomedicine has to not given me anything that helps at all. Pain killers ruin my stomach. Ice made my knees numb for days and I couldn't walk normally for three days last week.
What is negative blood test mean? Just like going to the temple and shake the bamboo can of sticks. Yeah, I got a stick of average fortune.
I really want to go back to LSE. Science has to be critiqued, not followed all the time. I don't know why I'm here learning statistics to present to be objective... The sad thing is, I got good grades in statistics. Why?
The blood test said the things tested are normal...
Then, tell me why I have pain in my knees and elbows. They said, if the pain continues next week, I have to go back to have further tests.
Well, that is, to pay for another test or tests.
So many times I'm so frustrated about the biomedical approach. If you're interested, read:
Comaroff, J. (1982) “Medicine: Symbol and Ideology”, in Wright, P. & Treacher, A. (Eds.) The Problem of Medical Knowledge: Examining the Social Construction of Medicine. Edinburgh: Edinburgh UP
Lock, M. & Gordon, D. (Eds.) (1988) Biomedicine Examined. London: Kluwer Academic Publishers.
Medicine has its assumptions and it is not truth. Yet they present themselves as the almighty and they know what to do.
As I'm going through this joint pain for years, I begin to feel like seeing the doctors are like seeing witches. Most of the time they keep talking about the physics such as levers and weights. Well, yeah, you can create glorious stories like Greek mythologies to explain life.
Yet biomedicine has to not given me anything that helps at all. Pain killers ruin my stomach. Ice made my knees numb for days and I couldn't walk normally for three days last week.
What is negative blood test mean? Just like going to the temple and shake the bamboo can of sticks. Yeah, I got a stick of average fortune.
I really want to go back to LSE. Science has to be critiqued, not followed all the time. I don't know why I'm here learning statistics to present to be objective... The sad thing is, I got good grades in statistics. Why?
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