Friday, December 30, 2005

December 30, 2005, 6:48pm

It's my first time to actually see where oranges come from... the orange tree. :)

They have tangerine trees at Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings' house too.

Shirley took the four of us, students and visiting scholars, touring the small towns around. We stopped at Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings Historic State Park in Cross Creek. Well, Rawlings was a Floridian author in the 1930s. Shirley said Rawlings is very famous.

Hm. I still remember Bryce said in the news writing class that unless it's a quote from interviewees, we shouldn't use the word "famous" in news writing. I don't remember exactly why. And I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of the things I learnt already. I really wish I have a better memory.

Something like "famous" is vague. Also, don't use the word "important" in phrases like "The General Theory of Relativity is important" because if things are not important, it shouldn't be in the copy. Instead, write about why things are important.

What I want to say is, for any person famous in anywhere at any time, people from other places and other times may not even know their names. For me, Lu Xun and Xu Zhi Mo are "famous" authors. But I simply can't expect them to be as widely known as Homer or Shakespeare.

How on earth would I know Rawlings? Before Ann and Bert told me about Robert Burns and Adam Smith, I didn't even know Robert Burns, the Scottish poet who's on the banknotes in Scotland. I was studying at the London School of Economics and I didn't know anything about Adam Smith, the economist.

So, if you're interested, you may read her book "The Yearling" and others. But Lu Xun and Jin Yong are on top of my leisure reading list.

I love the small towns. "More shops" would be like 10 shops all selling antiques and crafts. But when I simply don't expect to buy anything there, I am not disappointed at all. Unlike the Miami mall.

We saw a deer and two eagles on the way. Shirley and I were arguing if they're eagles or hawks. I looked at my photos of the hawk hundreds of times already. The two eagles have white heads and white tails. And the hawk is just brown.

So, we tried to take a photo of the eagles and ask other people. Well, they flew away when we stopped the car. Then we asked the post office staff in Micanopy what the big birds with a white head and a white tail would be. They said it's the bald eagle, the symbol of the United States.

You see, we're dedicated to knowledge. Though we cannot be sure if we have got the truth or if there's any truth at all. :D

The post office in Micanopy was built in 1812. The mailboxes look really old.

The mailboxes have different sizes and different shapes. Really want to know the people who have used them.

My friend was looking for a place to send a fax to China. Well, the post office has international fax service but the staff don't know how much to charge. So, they couldn't offer the service even though they have the international line and a fax machine.

On the way back, we stopped at Paynes Prairies State Preserve. You see the shadow of spectators? We're discussing if the three tiny black spots in a line in the middle of the swamp is actually an alligator.

To me, anywhere with the endless clear blue sky is heaven. So, if the real heaven is way way way outside the universe, that is, perhaps it does not have any atmosphere, I'd prefer the Earth.

Can you picture how our path in life is like? It's short. And... what?

With the digital camera, I couldn't picture the sun because a sharp vertical line would form in the middle of the screen. But I do hope I'm walking towards a brighter end.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

December 29, 2005, 8:35pm

I finally recognize one real good thing about being a student again, despite the low pay, demanding work and constant challenges to learn. The break!

I only had 14-18 days annual leave working in Hong Kong in the last three years. And I would usually plan traveling here and there. Or I would be going out with friends. Well, I also took annual leave to take the GREs and TOEFL.

And now, I am able to actually relax. Sit back. Real relaxation. Not that I don't have anything to do. I have to read for my master's research and finish up a research project in Hong Kong. But I haven't felt so free for a long time. My schedule is basically empty. I don't have to rush to here and there. Just sit down and begin work. Get tired and take a nap.

What a life to live. :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

December 28, 2005, 11:30pm

Just to tell a good news. I have returned all my loan for my undergraduate studies finally!!!

Wow, it's six years after my graduation. Can you believe that? It's such a long time...

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

December 27, 2005, 4:31pm

Went to the super Walmart in Starke, north of Gainesville. Well, just as anytime to go "shopping" here, I would really miss Hong Kong and London. Just what kind of things are there to shop! All those "made in China" stuff that I have a mixed feeling to buy. And so many stuff I simply don't have any need or desire to buy.

For things that I really need, such as Chinese medicine... and there is none. Headache.

Leanne, thank you so much. I got the herbal tea and CD sleeves today. Also got the Christmas card from Pancy and the Chong's family.

As I said, I have the world with you all. Super Walmart cannot beat me.

Monday, December 26, 2005

December 26, 2005, 11:41pm

Went shopping for the after-Christmas sales. Got a leather jacket for only $59.99. Well, I wanted to get one when I was in London but things were simply too big or too expensive. So, today I finally got one that fits.

Hey, Lillian, you know, I keep thinking about you after I got the leather jacket. You really moved me when you gave me the little globe. I don't know why I'm always fascinated seeing those big and small globes since when I was very small. But I never have one until you gave me this little one that I brought here.

It was very expensive to buy a globe when I was small. All these years I continued to feel the awe whenever I saw a globe. It's a thing to see in shops and I didn't think about buying one even though it became affordable.

I'm still reading the book about resilient adults. One very important characteristics of the resilient is having at least one parent or an adult (relatives, teachers or a neighbor) whom the children can look up onto. I didn't have any such adult figures. I have friends most of the time. With friends, I own the world.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

December 25, 2005, 4:25pm

Reading a book about resilient adults. That is, people who have endured a terrible childhood and grow up more or less a functional adult.

Well, I'm pretty sure I have a bad childhood in today's standard. As one of the interviewees said, she didn't think she had a childhood. Yet, this idea of a carefree and inocent childhood is a rather recent concept, I think.

Children worked as coal miners, factory workers etc in the 18th Century. I think I saw a document hanging on the wall somewhere, probably a whisky factory museum in Ireland or Scotland. Children aged 7 could not work longer than 15 hours a day. What a mercy.

I want to learn from the interviewees and see what they have done to resolve their hatre and anger. I don't want to live forever having nightmares on a weekly basis to survive my mother's attempted murder. And so many of the interviewees had even more terrible times than me.

Went to Shirley's mother's place just now. They have five generations of the family gathering there. For what I know I don't have, I will find the way to create mine. This is on the top of my Christmas wishes.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I wish you have joy in your life.

Friday, December 23, 2005

December 23, 2005, 9:27pm

Psyche and Frankie, thank you so much for the Christmas card. You know, when I first read the Buddhist wisdom, I was shocked.

人善人欺天不欺, 人惡人怕天不怕, 善惡到頭終有報, 只爭來早與來遲.

何必紛爭一角牆, 讓他三尺有何妨, 長城萬里今猶在, 不見當年秦始皇.

春有百花秋有月, 夏有涼風冬有雪, 若無閑事掛心頭, 便是人間好時節.

善似青松惡似花, 看看眼前不如它, 有朝一日遭霜打, 只見青松不見花.

The others I don't understand, so I'm not putting them here.

I got my Christmas gifts from Claire too. My pen pal in England.
December 23, 2005, 5:40pm

Will be in the Chinese church for the Christmas dinner at 6pm. Well, yes, without a family and friends, without a car, the only place to go for Christmas is probably the church.

Recently read about Xu Zhimo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xu_Zhi_Mo

Really want to find out why he found the States "intolerable." I really miss the church choirs in St. Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey and Southwark. Well, just seeing the architectures from outside would be good enough.

So far, I won't say the States is "intolerable." To me, the States is simply not my taste.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

December 22, 2005, 2:49pm

Luning took the picture for me. I think I look really like a beggar. My knees were hurting a lot walking in the sand. That's why I spent most of my time just sitting down and didn't want to move a lot. Other people played football and volleyball.
December 22, 2005, 1:12pm

Everglade is a huge wetland. Wild life stuff.

Was on an airboat for 30 minutes to see a very little part in Everglade. Saw many alligators but not many birds.

We didn't have any geography or botany majors in the group. So, no one to explain about the mangroves and birds. The guys in charge didn't say much either. All is to see the alligators. I really miss the wetland tours by the Argiculture, Fisheries and Conservation Department, Hong Kong.

Frankie and Winston, I miss our time together to learn about how many types of mangroves are found in Hong Kong (7 or 8?). To learn about the significance of mangroves to hold the soil in the seaside and how the four types of roots adapt to the changing salt level.

Well, in Mai Po, they have a pretty good museum too. In Everglade, they have something like a circus. To show visitors how they feed the alligators. More like to show how brave the guys are. In the end, I didn't get anything intellectually.

If you pay $3, you can hold a baby alligator to take a photo.

Just a minute before this guy took the baby gator out to make money, he said if we had to wear a jacket, the alligators were freezing. That's why the big alligators in the circus were in the water. But when people were paying him for the photos, he didn't say anything about the temperature for this little one.

I think I should write a thank you letter to Mai Po for both what they have done and what they have not done. At least they wouldn't catch a blackfaced spoonbil and make money this way. Not sure if Mr. Young is still the manager. I interviewed him for Varsity, already nine years ago.

I've already forgotten where this was. South Beach or something like that. Should be somewhere huge about night life and gay scenes. Well, like Robin William in Birdcage. Perhaps things look gorgeous only in the Hollywood movies.

To me, Miami is really disappointing. The neon light signs in Nathan Road are a lot more stimulating. Well, yes, the beach is huge... but I suppose huge things are not necessarily good. I don't know what that is. Miami lacks something. Something like a character. I wouldn't refer the buildings as architectures. They're just like match boxes or shoe boxes put together.

I remember when I was in the British Museum, I always think the British make the ancient stuff so clean and tidy. Too clean and tidy to look real. Compared to the columns and sculptures I saw in Egypt, those in the British Museum are like they're all polished. But hey, these things can be as old as 5000 years. They are weathered! And remember, Egypt is very dusty everywhere probably because of the desert.

Anyways, these big names, the British Museum or Everglade, no matter how big their names are, I simply don't think they live up to what they mean to be. Whether it's to preserve the history or to preserve the wild life.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

December 21, 2005, 8:35pm

It's gray and cloudy.

Just back from Miami. It's still hot and humid at this time of the year over there. My knees are very bad. Walking in the sand etc.

It's meant to be a retreat organized by a church-related organization. So, no gay scenes. But I did see a butch holding hands with her gal. (In other words, a femme holding hands with her gal.) Probably in their 50s.

This reminds me of Greece, which was infinitely more beautiful than Miami.

Anyways, it's the Atlantic Ocean and I haven't seen much water for months already. Just miss the salty smell.

I finally saw several alligators in Everglade.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

December 17, 2005, 10:22pm

Went to Tacachale with the people from the New Hope Church this afternoon. Tacachale is a village for people with disabilities. We went to give Christmas gifts and sing the Christmas carols.

We went to see a group of men with mental disabilities. I don't know how people are classified but they seem to have quite severe problems.

I first volunteered to give services for people with mental problems when I was 16. Really a long time ago. It's a sports day for children with mental problems. I was leading the children to their destinated places for their sports activity: long jump, tracks etc.

Perhaps the kids were not as severe as these guys I met today. I remember I was very impressed by a boy doing really well in high jump. I'm never good at sports and right now, I'm physically challenged because of my knees. It's really bad today in the cold. And the storm looks like it's never going to end. And my front door is dripping.

The village house smells of urine. One guy has to wear a helmet. He continuously hits his own head with his hand. Well, the helmet protects his head but it may hurt his hand.

I read some neuroscience papers about how brain imaging tells us about development. I think there're always something that cannot be studied, I guess. They may be able to make a child with autism lie still for minutes. Just cannot think of how they can make these severely disabled guys stand still for a few seconds.

Well, research may never help them anyways.

BTW, my neighbor is going home. So, I will take care of her fish and a plant. :)

Friday, December 16, 2005

December 16, 2005, 5:49pm

I'm done with my first semester! :D

Will have a Christmas party at Shirley and Larry's place at 6pm. Will come back and plan for my break.

Need to structure my time or I'll feel empty staying here alone. I want to read my recipes, clean my apartment, especially the windows!

Natalie, thank you so much for your Christmas card. I finally got it today. The Christmas card from Ann and Bert also arrived at the same time. Just like last year, they're sending me cash! They took the trouble to convert the British pounds to US dollars!!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

December 15, 2005, 2:39pm

Hey, I've got my first A here! Yeah, statistics!!!

Forgot to put it down here. I also got a very good evaluation as a TA.

Still grading student papers in my office. Will go to Miami for three days on Sunday.

Can't wait!!! :)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

December 14, 2005, 8:01pm

Hey, my statistics exam is done! I can't believe it!!!

This morning was like the darkest morning I have ever hard. Woke up, checked my emails... my supervisors said the scantrons would be in my mailbox for processing...

This is just crazy. I had the exam marked tomorrow morning 8:15am in my organizer. Yet, it's this morning. So I just rushed (in the top speed with my impaired knees) to the psychology office. On the way, I met my supervisor and she's ultra understanding. Said, it went fine.

OK, I'll have to add two more items in my 2006 goals.
1. Be ultra understanding to everyone.
2. Be meticulous about dates and time.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

December 13, 2005, 11:22pm

Hey, friends, do you have any plan for 2006?

I made plans every year. Well, most of the time I would be too unrealistic about how many educational videos and books I would have to read every month.

I did read more than I had planned at times. Too bad I haven't been to India and Cambodia yet.

Let me begin to make my plan here.
1. Driving
2. Swimming
3. As in all coursework
4. Master's research
5. Teaching
6. My knees
7. Maintain health in general
8. Figure out what I can do about my memories of my terrible childhood and young adulthood
9. Figure out what the options about my family are
December 13, 2005, 9:02pm

Just back from a party. Had some great Korean food. And real fun to learn more curse words. My friends actually gave me a crash course on American curse words.

Well, we actually began from A. Got to remember all these. A for a--. B for b----. C for c--k and c--t. F, well no need to elaborate I guess. H for h---. N for n-----. P for p--- off and p----. S for s--- and s----.

I actually left early. Now, back to my statistics.

Monday, December 12, 2005

December 13, 2005, 12:58am

Yeah, my take-home exam is about done!!! Need to sleep now. Will double check it tomorrow before I submit it.

Will have a party tomorrow evening with other graduate students. Then it's my statistics final and student papers.

Working hard... very hard...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

December 12, 2005, 12:38am

Keep going... only five days left...

1. Take-home exam, Dec. 14, 5pm
2. Statistics final, Dec 14, 5:15-7:45pm
3. A huge pile of student papers to grade, Dec, 16

Friday, December 09, 2005

December 9, 2005, 7:42pm


Had a Christmas party in my advisor's house with colleagues and research assistants. Came back and opened my mailbox. It's my Christmas gifts from Jess, my Scottish friend.

I'm used to not buying calendars. Every year, I got calenders from Jess and Claire. Claire is my pen pal in Teesville, Northern England, since when I was around 15.

I don't remember how old Jess is. Around 85 I suppose. Every time when I hear from her, I will be very happy. More than just happy. Then I cry. I can never be sure if I can hear from her again. She has heart problems.

The summer when I first went to Scottish border to visit Ann and Bert, the three of them saw me off in the Berwick-up-Tweed train station. Jess has hearing problems. A few days before I left, she changed her hearing aid and was adapting to it.

You know the British trains. Never on time. Always late for two hours or more. At one point, Jess asked if the sound was the bird singing. We said yes and she was so happy to hear that.

The second time I went to see them again before I left the UK, I don't remember where and what, maybe it's the time when they took me to a wet market and they're looking at some Christmas cards. I asked why they have the bird for Christmas.

They said, it's a robin. It's a little bird and when winter comes, the feathers on their chest turn red. The robin is then used to represent Christmas because people said the red feather is Jesus's blood. I actually saw a robin before I left Scotland.

Last year when Ann and Bert stopped in Hong Kong on their long long long long and long journey to Australia to see their sister, they brought me a robin glass craft. Yes, glass, all the way from Selkirk Glass, where they went to have tea nearly every day.

http://www.selkirk.bordernet.co.uk/selkirkglass/

I also got a fountain pen from Jess. Well, I don't know where I can find the ink. Need to check it out in the bookstore tomorrow... I have never had a fountain pen. No idea how to use it...

Sunday, December 04, 2005

December 4, 2005, 6:49pm

I'm already busy to death... yet, a swamp of nearly 100 flies invaded my apartment when I came back from church.

I don't know why they're there. I have no idea how they got in there. Too bad they found the way in but not their way out.

I was there spraying the bugkillers... I couldn't concentrate on my paper. I couldn't go out for laundry... Their roaring flying engine distracted me.

Seems that I've got all of them out, after three hours struggling.

This has to be the last thing that can go wrong. I have a long paper, two exams and a pile of student papers to grade.

And my stomach ache.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

December 1, 2005, 9:01pm

Stomache! So bad.

Let me try the time and go to Walmart for some medication... Really bad. Got loads of stuff to do...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

November 29, 2005, 7:09pm

I just wonder, there're the shelves of supplements for almost everything in Walmart. I also tried so many Chinese medicine herbs...

But why don't we have anything to make us more hardworking? I keep trying to read for my term paper due next week... Haven't got any idea about what to write...

My knees are getting worse when it's cold. Everything gets tightened in the cold. Got to work harder on the physical therapy exercises.

Time files. Can't believe the semester break is only one week away. I dreaded every week to go sooner when I was in Hong Kong. The last two months in Hong Kong was so difficult and long.

Friday, November 25, 2005

November 26, 2005, 12:10am

Just want to write about my first Thanksgiving here.

I had a brunch with my friends and their families. It's my missionary friends who spent 30 years in Hong Kong. It's plenty of food. Too much...

Then my advisor took me to his home and spent the afternoon and evening. Food again. It's very nice food. Juicy turkey, really nice wine...

Just any culture, I think, people simply have the occasions for the families to come together. Have a time to indulge in food and an excuse to gain some weight.

The first time I ever felt like having a glimpse of how a family is like was the time when I was in Scotland with Ann and Bert. Just stayed in the house sitting by the fire. Going out and joined the annual town event. Just talking. Being normal.

Gradually I begin to know that many people have a normal family. And it takes hard work to build and maintain a loving relationship.

So many times I think, this God is love thing is simply nonsense. First, I don't know what God is. Second, I'm not sure if I know what love is. Father's love, sort of things. OK, if you think your earthly father is loving and you project a god who also loves you. But too bad, I have little idea what a father's love is.

I think I know what a friend's love is. Why is God's love bigger? How to compare a father's love and a friend's love? Who's love is better or bigger?

I want to give you thanks here. A huge thank you. :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

November 23, 2005, 5:59pm

Hey, I was in the driver's seat just now! A friend took me out driving for 30 minutes. I hit the curb two times!!!

Anyways, actually doing that feels like it's something that can be accomplished.

I was rather depressed the whole day before driving. My supervisor brought her 4-year-old daughter to class to demonstrate many of the tests we learnt in books. It's fun to see her actually making the mistakes consistently. But whenever I'm studying about kids and families, my family is always in the undesirable side. I always feel the pain and find nowhere to go and don't know what I can do to help myself.

So, I went home after class and slept for five hours. Still feeling sick and sad. Then my friend called and we're out driving. My world becomes bright again!

I think I need the insight. I know what I don't want in my life. I don't want my past to keep dragging me down. I need to envision that my life can be better, step by step.

Monday, November 21, 2005

November 21, 2005, 10:23am

I have just survived my lecture!!! Hey, this is great! It's done, finally!!!

Thank you so much. Thank you for all the photos you sent me. Thank you for giving me support and praying for me. Anyhow, my lecture was on peer relationship, that's all about you. :)

It's really my very first time to give a lecture in English. Usually when I have done things, I just have no clue how I can actually do it. Thinking back, it just sounds amazing that I can do this. It's not me doing that alone. You have all contributed to what I have done.

I feel I'm so blessed because of you. :)

Friday, November 18, 2005

November 19, 2005, 12:39am

Finally, I get to know why the rice cooker doens't work... I got a 220-110V transformer! This is so bad...

I simply didn't pay attention to the specifications on my two transformers. Well, they look the same at a glance. Yet, the other one is 110-220V.

Theoretically, I should be able to convert the 220-110V to 110-220V. It's simply the number of coils. I did a lot of these calculations and experiments in secondary school. Well, but I just don't have the confidence to practically do it in my apartment. I have to fear about a fire.

You see, I just don't know why I had to learn physics all those years. I did all the work to pass the exam yet I simply didn't have any real life experience to apply my knowledge on the everyday appliances.

It's just a simple transformer... not a washer or a microwave. Anyways, I don't want to be bold about electricity outside the lab.

Well, when I was on the plane, I would think about how pressure increases and velocity decreases. I also thought about the P and V relationship when I was on the feluca in River Nile. Yet, the sailors didn't seem to know these theories yet they could go sailing... I just got to think about what I'm doing all these years burying my head in the books.

I still haven't found anyone available to teach me driving. Again, I learnt all the basics about the engine and combustion. I also learnt about how a car turns: friction, centripetal force... what's the use? Can these help me drive safer? What about how to maintain a car?

Just don't know why the school didn't teach any practical stuff at all. Here, at least they make high school students to learn driving. I learnt to sit still in the overly crowded classroom because Hong Kong is overly populated anyways.

I just hated it when I was in the home economics class. Just damn stupid to buy a piece of fabric and make a dress etc when the fabric was a lot more expensive than what I could have bought with a brand name. I simply didn't learn any sewing or cooking at all. What's the point to have those stoves and ovens in the school kitchen when most Hong Kong people don't have them at home? Now, I have an oven and I just don't know how to utilize it.

Anyways, baked food is just hot air and not good for my health... It's just a weird colonial education system back then.
November 18, 2005, 9:40pm

I just have to mark this day. I had a cup of coffee this morning.

I haven't touched coffee for 2.5 years already. Yet, I was feeling exhausted this morning. Just hoping a cup of coffee would give me a boost of energy.

Coffee doesn't play magic. Or my Chinese medicine doctors wouldn't say repeatedly it's no good. And I do have to give at least some credits to the wisdom in Chinese medicine.

I was alert for quite a while but many of the symptoms I had during those years when I was an addict came back. Feeling anxious, having watery eyes and all the tension in my stomach... And just now, I'm having a lot more pimples...

I just got to forget about coffee in the rest of my life. It's doing me no good.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

November 17, 2005, 10:09pm

Now my presentation was done. My brain is cracking...

Just got the www.theinterviewwithgod.com link from a friend again today. Every time I read the line, I feel a sense of awakening.

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

Well, I think we can't stop to make money. We need money for food to maintain health. The problem is to maintain a balance. When the semester break is only three weeks away, what can I do!

I've made the brain-nourishing soup again. South date, walnut... Hope it helps a little bit...

Monday, November 14, 2005

November 14, 2005, 9:23pm

I'll have to give my first lecture here on peer relationship next Monday. Yes, I'll show some of your photos in class. I can't show them all or I'll have to teach the whole semester. And all I'll have to do is to have slides of your photos in class. :P

Thank you so much for sending me all our photos. That's how I can have a collection of photos to select the ones that fit my lecture.

Weeks ago I was dreading about the lecture. Very frightening to have 160 students sitting in the lecture hall. That is 320 eyes looking at me. But when I begin to work on it, I feel more prepared.

This afternoon in the group counseling session, my counselor said I can actually make use of humor. Make fun of myself, tell them I'm anxious and ask them to help.

So, I come back, work on the Powerpoint and my lecture notes again. I feel a lot better to think about to give a lecture this way. Not to hide about what I worry and anxious about. But to let them know. Be open and ask for help.

I'm just feeling relieved. :)

I will also have a presentation in class this Thursday. I still haven't got the readings done yet... When these two are done, I'll really have to focus on my two papers and final exams.

Then, it's the semester break!!!

Friday, November 11, 2005

November 12, 2005, 12:15am

I have already forgotten when I had the gathering with other graduate students in developmental psychology. Probably it's already in September when we can still find some time go get together.

Things are getting really mad. Only three weeks and it's the final exam. I have one presentation, one lecture to give, two exams, one big paper and one small, and statistics assignments every week.

It's like to challenge my limits every day.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

November 9, 2005, 9:23pm

I'm still thinking about the kid and his mother I saw yesterday outside the driver license office. Both are so happy, so I suppose the kid got his license.

My parents never show any happiness when I got my MSc, BSSc, just whatever.

When I told my mother that I'd go for my PhD, the first words out of her mouth was: "Do you have a lot of money?"

Sounds like, I have a lot of money and I don't give her.

They never help with my school work. Never show any support. I didn't expect them to teach me developmental psychology, gender studies or journalistic writing. I only asked them to turn down the TV volume when I was working on my GRE.

She fired back, "Only you have freedom? We don't have freedom?"

Well, it's me who really didn't have any "freedom" or "option." The TV's on no matter what. I was just asking. And my request was never satisfied.

The thing I learnt from them is that, they didn't put any effort, so they wouldn't get any satisfaction, happiness or joy in return. That's fair.

But I just have to wonder, how is it like to have someone to cheer up with you when you have accomplished something? Big or small?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

November 8, 2005, 8:53pm

I went to the infirmary to check my knee in the afternoon. It's just swollen. The doctor said it doesn't seem to have any broken bones. So let's see if it's getting better in the next few days. If not, I need to worry.

So, it's just swollen. I think I have more psychological problems than physical ones. I already emailed my counselor about that this morning. It's like, because of my childhood and all the crazy stuff in my family, I tend to block out my negative emotions. As a coping strategy, it works OK with my sick family that's poking at me all the time. But at times of emergency, it's like, my defense mechanism is making me sort of maladaptive.

Cognitively, I think it's shocking to be in a car accident being knocked down. Yet, I simply don't feel the shock. But this morning when I woke up, I was so tired after a whole night of sleep. It's like, all the shock turned into physical symptoms.

I don't know. I need to see if I can get any help from counseling.

Anyways, I've got my learner permit this afternoon. So, nearly all is set. I just need to find someone to teach me how to drive. I'll be very careful.

Monday, November 07, 2005

November 7, 2005, 11:28pm

Now, my left knee is swollen as ever. Having ice on it feels better but it would probably take days for the pain to go away.

Well, I had a bottle of cream in my bag and just discovered that it all went out because of the clash. All messy in my bag but I got to be thankful. It could be me who's messy.

And the front wheel of my bike is not working. Got to get it fixed. A lesson to learn is that, I should actually get the driver's number. She did offer it but I thought I was OK. I was hoping everything is OK.

Take care, everyone. I love you.
November 7, 2005, 9:14pm

Just to say, I got hit by a car. It's a side clash and I was on my bike. I'm pretty OK. My left knee burnt for quite a while but seems that it's OK now. If it's not, should be OK in a few days.

Well, I just realize that every time we see each other doing OK, it really means a lot. Just anything can happen.

By the way, I will have my vision and hearing test to get the learner's permit tomorrow afternoon. It's just a timely reminder to me that I really have to be very careful when I drive.

Just to send my best wishes and my love to you.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

November 5, 2005, 1:02pm

I'm just obsessed by the death of a UF student. Brown was beaten to death by five suspected young men after the football game in Jacksonville last Saturday.

It's so sad. Brown was only 24 and the suspects are around 18 to 20.

I simply feel so sorry that Brown died so young. When I look back, I would have missed a lot in life if I died at 24. I haven't been to London for my master's, thus not meeting Ann and Bert in Scotland. No trip to Ireland and Scotland. No trip to Beijing and Silk Road... Haven't had patellofemoral syndrome and wouldn't meet all the people who are helpful and unhelpful when I was so desperate not being able to lift my own legs.

And when I'm here in Florida for my PhD, I'm expecting all sorts of possibilities and adventures in the rest of my life. The last thing I want is to die right now.

There may be two reasons that we don't want to die. 1. Fear about death, 2. desire to live. Of course, we can be afraid of death and have the desire to live at the same time.

But for me, at least right now, I want to live the best I can. To see more and to become a better person.

This possibility of death always reminds me that I could have died when I was in year two back in CUHK. I was only 20, as I can remember. I climbed from the roof of the Chien Mu Library to the roof of the Humanity Building after midnight. The library roof is about one story lower than that of the Humanity Building.

So, I was climbing from the 3-story library to the 4-story Humanity Building. It's a wide gap between them and somehow, I used two broken rails and made them into two unstable ladders. A friend was holding the rails to make them more stable. When I reached the end of the "ladder," I couldn't touch the edge of the Humanity building roof. And I decided to jump and fortunately, I did reach the edge that's inches away from the tips of my fingers.

So, I was like the spiderman without superpower hanging in there. Finally I lifted myself and climbed onto the roof.

Now, do you wonder why I did that? I wanted to get something for the media ethics class project. I was working in the department building after midnight but some "important stuff" was in my mailbox, which was behind a locked door. So, I got the papers I needed so much that I didn't think about death and passed them to my friend through the door gap. What's more, I climbed from the 4-story roof back to the library roof. That is, I had to hang myself over the edge and let my body fall to the "ladder" that's inches away from the tips of my feet.

Don't ask me how I did that and didn't fall off from the "ladder." I can assure you I'm not a superbeing like the Incredible family with hidden powers. If I was Mr. Incredible, I would have break the door. If I was Mrs. Incredible, I could transform to be a thin sheet and slide myself through the door gap. Well, to be able to run fast doesn't mean I can jump high and being invisible simply can't help.

You know, I was so stupid, I thought I wouldn't die, it's only 3 stories. I remember I did have such a thought. But days after my live performance without any audience, I went to the roof again in the day time and only discovered that the buildings are established on a steep slope. You know, CUHK is on a hill. So, if I fell, it's miles more than the height of the 3-story Chien Mu Library.

So, I could have died two times. Yet, I didn't. Isn't it mystical? Everytime when I think about it, my hands sweat. And when I'm nervious about something, like an exam coming, I would have a nightmare about this near-death experience.

Take care. We only have one life.

Friday, November 04, 2005

November 4, 2005, 2:14pm

I can't believe it. I've passed the two online driving tests. So many questions about license suspension and insurance law that I have little clue about. Yet, my guesses are correct. It'd be excellent if the GRE was so easy back then...

Need to see how to proceed next. I haven't read about the coming procedures as I simply don't think I can pass the tests.

I was thinking about Sister Chu when I was taking the tests. She said her driver license is older than me and it's so easy to get it when she was in California. I took her words half-heartedly as she was driving already when she got her license there. Anyways, the tests are really easy even though I have never driven before.

OK. Enough talking about the military on paper. Got to find out how to find a driving instructor and get into the driver's seat.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

November 4, 2005, 12:30am

Well, I said I need to sleep. But then, I worked on the online course to apply for a driver license. So, it's done. The next thing is to work on the online Learner Permit exam.

I've been working on the said-to-be-four-hour online course on alcohol and substance abuse for months... I simply don't have much time to sit down in front of my notebook and read the alcohol effect and traffic law. And many times when the chapter was assigned for a minimum reading time for 20 minutes, it could take me up to 40 minutes before I was confident to proceed to the chapter quiz. I had to get the questions right before I could move on to the next chapter... So it's a lot longer than four hours.

Now, I'm one step closer. Need to study the road signs and traffic law for the Learner Permit exam. Got to get it done in one time or I'll have to pay to re-test. That's the last thing I want.

Just one more course and exam outside the graduate school. I can do it!
November 3, 2005, 7:19pm

I made it! Done with the statistics exam and paper!!!

Now, I got to sleep. Last night I had a nightmare again. Was fighting with my mother. So many times I tried to kill her in my dreams. But I don't remember any single time that I'm successful at all. I'd just wake up in the middle of the fight, shocked with sweat and tension all over my body.

Well, I'm feeling a lot better now. Just a nightmare like this every one or two weeks. When I was in Hong Kong in the last three years, I had such nightmares really often. Especially in the first six months when I was back from London, I had terrible nightmares several times every single night.

I really don't know how I lived with that. But I'm gradually realizing that, I should try to orient myself to the future, to think about how I want to live in the rest of my life, and not to think back about how I lived.

It's fine if I can learn any lesson from the past. But if I'm just dreading about what I've gone through and re-live the pain, it doesn't make much sense. I have got more than enough pain already. I shouldn't create more in my head and live in the shadow of pain.

The question is, how? I want to be happy and free. How can I get there? Got to set a goal and do it step by step.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

November 1, 2005, 1:24pm

So, my statistics exam is just done! My preparation since 6pm last evening was... sleeping. :D

I didn't do the assignments in this second section as well as in the first. But I still want an A. So I just had to work extra hard for the exam. Worked on the exercises in the back of the chapters for days and tried to learn from my mistakes.

Was very anxious because I cannot contemplate the idea that I'm going to get less than an A, yet my grade in the assignments is only a B+. So, I really need an A in the exam to make up for an A overall.

So, I'll have to begin working on my paper. I can do it!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

October 29, 2005, 12:25am

Hey, just to say, I'll have to disappear for days... exam again. And one paper due next week.

Headache...

Friday, October 28, 2005

October 28, 2005, 3:40pm

I've just had a flu shot. I didn't plan to have it at the beginning. Anyways, I swayed when more people begin to persuade me that's a good thing to do.

I had one when I was in HKIEd, five years ago already. It didn't help anything and I continued to have cold all the time in the winter. So, I decided that it's not effective.

Anyways, I'm here in a totally new place, with different germs and viruses, perhaps it's a wise decision to immunize myself, at least to some flu viruses if not all.

You see, I'm just trying to convince myself that I've made a correct decision when I've done with the flu shot already. Haven't had any needles for three months already. The shot reminds me about all the needles with acupuncture.

I just need to pray I have the strength to produce antibodies. Or I'll get ill because of the shot. That's the last thing I want but it's very possible.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

October 27, 2005 11:36pm

Hey, was in the developmental seminar class and we talked about sociocultural theories today. Some studies said, people using different languages would think differently. I don't know, really.

Then, my instructor said, there's a culture that they don't have the term "future" and maybe they don't have the concept of "future."

Then I said, I don't have tenses in Chinese but still, I have the idea of past, present and future. Just that Chinese expresses the meanings of time in sentence structures and terms such as before and after to denote past, present and future.

Well, after the class, I was thinking why would we say 之前 (of front) to mean before and 之後 (of back) to mean after? And why 前日 (the day in front) to mean the day before yesterday and 後日 (the day in the back) to mean the day after tomorrow?

I mean, hey, this front and back thing depends on where you're looking at. And if the front is in the past and the back is in the future, we're looking back! Not that we turn our heads to look back but we're actually facing the past when we say "the day before" is "the day in front!"

This is really awkward. Why do we look backward instead of to look ahead when we think of time? All we can do is to walk in the direction of time. We simply can't go back. So why do we walk facing the past and not the future?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

October 25, 2005, 1:08pm

It's very cold... but many people said it's very nice and it will get colder.

Good enough I got a thermo blanket in Walmart last week. You know, that kind of thing to make the blanket warm with electricity. I simply love it.

When I was in Scotland, well, it's only early autumn in September, Ann would pre-heat the blanket for me every evening. It's warm in the heart. :)

And in the last three years in Hong Kong, my parents had the paranoid of a heater getting fire... no matter what I said. They only read the newspaper about the occasional fire and they would turn off my heater. And they would talk about the news non-stop, non-stop, non-stop. (My dear journalists and media teachers, please, write carefully. You really don't know what people can come up in their heads.)

That way, they used the negative punishment approach. So, I began not to use the heater and they stopped squibbling about that.

Come on, take note about the old type of heater and how people misused them! The sad thing is, critical thinking and persuasion techniques would not work. Their brains don't work. And they don't care if I feel cold. They wouldn't think about an alternative. I'm the problem and the source of problem. I shouldn't feel cold because I'm young. Sucks. F. F. F.

Lydia, I really appreciate that you gave me your heater when I couldn't find one in those stupid shops. When it's sold out and they didn't even know when they'd get more heaters. I'm sorry but I could only have dust on the heater and was in bed frozen all the time. You made me feel warm in the heart... but only in the heart.

Anyways, I have M today!!! I know I'm mad to think about this all the time. But it cost me so much money, time and effort to boil the bitter herbal tea every evening in the last year trying to restore my Yin Yang imbalance. And now, I didn't do much, and it's there! Only 16 days late!!!

No black bitter stuff, no needles. :DDDDD

Self-care is only effective or even possible when I have a non-crazy immediate environment.

Monday, October 24, 2005

October 24, 2005, 7:50pm

Bad luck. I was expecting to see the saxophone recital in the University Auditorium at 7:30pm. Well, only saw the sign at the entrance saying that it's re-scheduled to tomorrow evening.

Anyways, because of this little bit of walking to the Auditorium, I took out my thick coat that's only received last Friday in a big box from Hong Kong, shipped 1.5 months ago.

It's so cold...
October 24, 2005, 6:52pm

It's so cold today... all a sudden... very very cold.

The first thing I came back was to check the weather... 68F, oh, that is what? So, I need to do the conversion... 20C. But it doesn't seem like to be that warm...

Then, tomorrow will be 45F. My goodness, it's 7C... I will die. My knees are so bad already today...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

October 22, 2005, 9:12pm

Went to McIntosh with Shara, Xiaochen and Lisa to see their festival. McIntosh is sort of an old Florida town and they have some antique shops down there.

I really have to say, when I have been to Egypt, Greece, Silk Road, well, just London would be sufficient, things back in 1890s simply wouldn't be "old." Anyways, I had a great time just going out of Gainesville. And the guy in the whistle performance is really great! He can whistle so many songs.

Hm... I still want to go to Tibet, India and Cambodia... My knees... When I think about my knees, I always think, am I limiting myself or it's really the knees that are limiting me? I don't know. Had a bit of walking in McIntosh and it's OK. It's a little bit sore but not swollen. So, it's still not too bad.

Was in the Athletic Training and Sports Medicine Center regularly, well, only three times so far. I was taught to do different exercises, all very tiring, which is supposed to be good because I simply don't use the muscles often and that's why I have this knee problem.

So, I also do the exercises every day. I'm not giving up. But I don't see any hope it's going to go away. It's getting cooler these days and I simply can't walk properly right after I wake up. It takes like 10 minutes for the joints to get ready for the day.

Anyways, tomorrow evening I'll try the indoor pool. I think I won't get drown. I suppose it's not deep. I actually made an appointment to see the Aquatic Risk Manager and she showed me all the facilities for people with disabilites. Like, the lift to help people to get into the water.

It's a chair attached to a pole. So, people in wheelchairs can sit on the chair and the staff would lower them into the water. I'm still OK. It's hard but I think I can manage the steps to get into the water. They also have the kick boards and waist belts... Hope I'll still be alive and able to report to you after my first try.

I remember several times before I left Hong Kong, I was in the pool trying to learn swimming, I saw an old lady in a wheelchair. Two young people, I suppose it's her son and daughter, would help her into the water.

It's not something easy to do to put somebody into the water, compared to using the lift. I don't know. So many times I would think, I want so much to do aging. And I still believe, aging is not just biological, it's also social (Wilson, 2000). Just like sex and gender, there's no two terms to distinguish between biological aging and social aging, though the two are inter-related.

How would I be able to just do a little change in Hong Kong, like, to introduce a lift for people with disabilities? Disabilities are just so common in old age. Well, I'm permanently disabled myself. Every time when I cross the street, I would think, if Hong Kong has these lowered curbs around, it would be nice. (I'm sure "curb" is a British term. Hey, anyone can remind me the American equivalent?)

Well, was in the Asian grocery store and the owner asked if I'm from Hong Kong. I said yes and asked how she could tell. My accent. She said it's sort of British.

Oh deary me! :DDDDD

I don't know. You see, this accent thing just comes by itself. And I don't find anyway to change it voluntarily. I'm sure I don't speak Oxford English right now though I could (mostly, Ann and Bert said I didn't have any accent on the phone and it's just a little bit face to face) when I was in London.

Well, to me, Oxford English still remains the "pure English." Just that since I learnt English, it's always this accent in the tapes. So, when I was in LSE and people actually spoke this way, it is "fantastic!" :D

It's not just the accent. It's also about the rhythm and the use of words. I still think Oxford English sounds like a song. I know I'm biased and I'm losing that already. And the use of words is simply obvious. Nobody here would say, "Lovely!" Well, it's just "cute," "great," "awesome..."

So, I don't know. I simply don't have any way to keep my Cantonese or my "British" accent. Well, there're just so many British accents...

Friday, October 21, 2005

October 21, 2005, 9:58am

Watched a jazz performance at the Phillips Center last evening and it's great! As usual, I don't know much about dance, music, musical, opera or movie. I just go to whatever kind of performance when I have time and money. (Well, I do have to make time and money.) Just sit there, enjoy and appreciate the performers' dedication and sophistication.

It's a trio formed by Stanley Clarke, the bassist; Bela Fleck, who plays the banjo; and Jean-Luc Ponty, violin. Well, people here are kind of wierd to me. It's like they're watching football games when they're watching the jazz show. Cheers, whistles... I don't know. Last time when I was in the University Auditorium for the clarinet recital, the audience was "normal." Let me have more observations before I make a conclusion.

It's only $10 for a student ticket and I have the chance to enjoy such great music. I simply have no clue why L likes to show off his hifi in the office and his home so much. Well, it's a lot of money for even a cable for sure. But the machines and technology are supposed to preserve the music that's played live. So, why not just go out for live performances if we want good music, which is often cheaper than the huge amplifier? And going out for music saves the trouble to look for the hifi box when the machine's down and we need to bring it for maintenance and repair.

Well, I still remember that morning when he's looking for his hifi box everywhere in the office, he simply slipped himself into the RA office and into the bathroom. I only heard the door opened and didn't see him. So I asked, "Who's that and what can I help?" when I was actually thinking, who is that, just come in without even knocking or a greeting?

"It's me," he said.

My goodness. This narcissistic dummy has no name. He doesn't even mention his own name. Yet he wants his name around so much, doesn't even care if it's famous or notorious. Maybe he actually doesn't know who he is if he cannot see his own name in the newspaper.

Many times I heard it's the radio from his hifi. I would think, what a dummy. Play the radio with such an expensive hifi? With the transmission etc, the sound quality is largely reduce for sure. Simply doesn't make any sense to me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

October 19, 2005, 7:28pm

I saw a squirrel "speaking" in a small tree when I was heading back home after studying in the library then the outdoor picnic table.

Well, I don't understand the squirrel language but I was curious why it's there making that regular "squirreling," one after another. Sometimes it was three short sounds then many long ones.

I remember when I was in Greece, I discovered that the sea gulls are called gulls possibly because of the sound they make. And I think my theory may also hold for squirrels for their "squirreling." I suppose "gull" and "squirrel" are how human beings (at least the English-speaking people) try to mimic the animals' language.

So, I decided to sit down and watch the squirrel. After three or four minutes, I began to hear another squirrel replying it! OK, language is for communication afterall. When the squirrel I was watching made a "squirreling," the other one would respond with a "squirreling." I was there fascinated to listen to their exchanges.

Well, I simply had no clue where the other squirrel was. From the sound, it was like far away across the street. Cool, after a day of work looking for food, they probably had to "call a friend" to see how each other was doing.

I could see the squirrel was not comfortable when I was sitting there observing it. Somehow, it went to the bin and found a small slice of pizza! My goodness. Then it went back to the tree and enjoyed its supper when I was there hungry figuring out how this show of nature would end.

It's astonishing when I actually saw it finishing the pizza in about three minutes. The pizza was like the size of my palm and I was thinking, squirrels eat nuts, is it not? And their stomach is actually big enough for a pizza!

Soon after it was done with the pizza and some occasional "squirreling" with its friend, it disappeared in the bushes.

###

I was done with the shark fillet. I panfried it with the Lee K-m Kee black bean sauce. It tastes a lot better than yesterday but it's very tough.

In case you're really curious and want to try, please cook it another way. I don't think I'd buy another shark fillet in my life.

Natalie, thanks a lot for your suggestion. I simply didn't want to think about how to cook the shark fillet with chicken soup and I was so hungry back home. We should try when you come visit me. :)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

October 18, 2005, 6:15pm

I steamed a shark fillet and it tastes so bad. When I decided to buy it and try, I was thinking, how come when the environmental groups (well, I only read about them in websites and chain emails) protest against Chinese people eating shark fins, yet they can have the shark fillets in the grocery stores? I don't like the fin soup very much but the fillet is simply awful.

Well, perhaps it's because they only have fillets and it tastes so bad, that they can't think of how the Chinese dish can taste a lot better. The sharks simply have no reason to be killed if all I can think of it's to kill them for fillets. The last thing to do is to take the trouble to transport the fillets and get them a price tag in the grocery stores.

I still have another piece in the fridge. Next time when I decide to try something new, I should only buy one and only one. Well, if any of you knows how to make shark fillets to taste good, please help.

###

Yesterday morning when I was waiting for the GatorLift after my 8:30am class in the New Engineering Buliding entrance, two men were painting the disabled signs and lines on the ground to make more parking places for people with disabilities.

I felt so much appreciation to them. They swept the leaves away and very carefully painted the blue lines and the blue signs. As far as I have observed, the parking places for people with disabilities are always the nearest to the entrances. Makes sense.

This reminds me how ridiculous the Hong Kong universities are. I saw wheelchair slopes that don't seem to be wide enough for a wheelchair to get through. I remember one in particular, that the slope is in an L-shape. I really doubt if they have tried to measure the width of any wheelchair at all and if a wheelchair can actually turn the corner of 90 degrees. Perhaps it's only a bike in their minds.

###

I was in a meeting with my advisor and other colleagues. Somehow he mentioned about rocket science and I said, China just successfully launched a rocket and the astronauts were back safetly after four days.

He said, it's 40 years behind.

True.

But I always have a strong faith in the story about how the tortoise wins the rabbit.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

October 15, 2005, 8:36pm

Hey, I made eggplant with meat, garlic and black bean this evening! I think it's a success!!!

It's only the Lee K-m Kee sauce but I just think it's a triumph! I may not be a good cook but at least I can cook good enough to make me happy.

It's a good day. Hope you're also enjoying your time in the other end. :)
October 15, 2005, 11:10am

Before I put my head down to my statistics assignments, just to tell that, I watched My Sassy Girl last night with my Korean friend.

Well, Korean movies, TV series etc were so popular in Hong Kong in the last two years. Yet I didn't watch even one. I wouldn't be so early back home for the TV series and I simply didn't have the time to look at the movie ads.

Except for the International Films Festival, so many times I went to movies just because friends wanted to go. So I simply combine social gatherings and movie going together.

Well, I thought I'd never watch any Korean movie and yet, I watched my first and actually found it interesting. Not completely my taste but it was really fun.

Friday, October 14, 2005

October 15, 2005, 12:21am

Just want to say, I've had a great evening with my fellow student from Korea. Was in her house and had kimchi and the Korean style dry fish. I simply love the dry fish so much and it's really wonderful to have real Korean food, not in Korea but in Florida! Or can this be real at all?

I have had weekly counseling session here and next Monday, I'll begin group counseling with three other international students. Well, I don't know. I only briefly read about counseling before and have never been into one. I just want to try and know what that is. My counselor said it's the Yalom approach.

Well, he said he'll give us readings about that, only several pages. Sounds good.

Sometimes I still feel like it's unreal that I'm here. Not exactly like a dream but at times, I would doubt, if this is all hallucination. I'm having such a good time here and I just can't believe it at times. It was just so bad in the last three years.
October 14, 2005, 9:58am

Now, the bank has finally processed my bank draft correctly and the amount finally shows up in my PC banking. I can't remember for how long I have lived penniless. 1.5 months?

In case I haven't told you yet, the bank sent my bank draft to Texas. I waited for four weeks but it's not yet in my account. So I went to the bank again and they told me that they processed it the wrong way. And actually, the bank draft was sent back to me two days before I went to the bank.

My goodness. So, I waited for more than one week before I finally saw my bank draft in my mailbox. What's amazing is that, they sent the bank draft by ordinary mail, and not certified mail.

Then, I had to go to the bank again. Gave them my bank draft again. And waited for two days until midnight today for them to take care of my money. And I have the obsession that they may get things wrong again.

So, finally, I'm relieved.

Enjoy your weekend!

Monday, October 10, 2005

October 10, 2005, 9:34pm

I went to see the guest artist recital in the University Auditorium this evening. Just found that marvelous!

Have been here for more than two months and have been dying for live performances, concerts, movies... And just found out that there're so many performances in the campus and some are free for students.

The recital this evening was different from the usual performances I attended. The professor who played clarinet actually explained about the music he was going to play.

And Cats and Lang Lang will be here next year. Can't wait for them!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

October 8, 2005, 8:57pm

Gators!

And the cheerleaders!!!

Went to the UF Homecoming parade yesterday. It's just in the University Avenue, one-minute walk away from my apartment.

It's such a huge event here. The street was blocked for the parade to proceed. People brought their chairs to sit down on the sidewalk waiting to see the floats -- decorated vehicles.

Homecoming is that, alumni are coming back. The senators, military, Korean War veterans, police, fire rescue, Red Cross, high schools, businesses... were all in the parade.

This really makes me to think about the civic society. A university event is not simply a university event here.

He's from the local horse-riding farm, a local business.

I don't know what this is. Perhaps another local business.

Well, Carmen, you know, I was thinking, when we have already seen the processions for the Queen's Golden Jubilee and for Queen Mother's funeral, it's like, the parade here is simply not comparable.

But in London, there wouldn't be Mr. McDonald in the Queen's procession, I suppose.

They do have queens here: Miss Florida and Miss UF.

Lillian, when you come visit me, for sure we'll have to find out what you'll have to do with downtown!

Rarely would there be any large crowds of people here, except when it's the football game Saturdays. So, it's a big time for businesses selling candies, whatever. And the photoshop is advertizing here by taking photos for free.

In the evening it's the Gator Growl. I don't know what that is. Just learnt that it's the nation's largest pep rally. I would love to go next year. I was simply working on my statistics assignment and only had a glimpse of the firework from the window of my apartment for two seconds.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

October 4, 2005, 6:55pm

I've learnt a lesson from my advisor today. Research is supported by people. Research funding comes from taxpayers' money and as part of the academia, we're responsible for the public good.

This is my strong belief since when I was at LSE, seeing how everyone is trying to maximize and utilize what they have. In the last three years when I was in Hong Kong, I was involved in so many wasteful practices. And I find this sinful.

My advisor has reinforced my belief again. No matter what others do, perhaps there're many others who waste taxpayers' hard-earn money, I need not be one of them.

Monday, October 03, 2005

October 3, 2005, 7:54am

I suppose you still recognize me? Huh? Christy is from Guangzhou and speaks Cantonese, rare animals here.

I promised to put my BBQ photos in the Mid-Autumn Festival here. So, here you go!


BTW, I forgot who took the pictures. I'm sorry, no photo credit here.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

October 1, 2005, 10:37pm

Twiggy, it's your kid's grand grand grand grand dad and mom here!

This morning, I finally rode my bike to Lake Alice, hoping to see the alligators. Well, I didn't see any but three dear turtles came to greet me.

My knees are very sore the whole day after the riding...

How many times do I have to risk my knees and go to the lake before I can see an alligator?

I was seeing this nice little building in the webcam so many times before I came to UF. Yet, it's in the opposite side of the lake... Perhaps I should learn to drive first. I don't know if I can really ride my bike there. I may need to risk to break my knees.

I'm sorry I'm having an out-of-focus photo here. I want to tell you how disappointing my digital camera can be. It's the blinding bright sun this morning and I couldn't see anything in the LCD screen. Yet I was trying to capture the moving turtles in the muddy water... And the camera just did no good with auto-focusing but there's no manual option.

Please let me know if there's any new digital camera that's designed to take photos. (Well, a camera is to be used for photo-taking. But please, be critical. They don't function.) I simply have no clue what they're for.

Friday, September 30, 2005

September 30, 2005, 5:53pm

I got an A for my statistics exam in the first section! I want As, not Bs.

Will have some fun with a fellow student from Korea this evening.

Have a nice weekend, everyone.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

September 29, 2005, 10:17pm

Thank you so much, Psyche! This is really a surprise. :)

Right after my statistics exam, I was back to my apartment with an exhausted brain. Then I got this cute little teapot! Thank you so much, Psyche, you really boost up my life today. I'll make tea with it soon.

I also got a letter from my dear friends in Scotland. Ann said they're doing well as usual. I simply love to hear that. Since knowing them, and knowing that some of their friends died, I usually think, why do good people die? If evolutionary theory is correct, why don't we have the genes developed so that good people stay strong forever? (Erin and Jenny, I really miss you.)

Though it's a really short time that I came to meet some of Ann and Bert's friends, I really learnt a lot from them. To know that we can learn so much from all these ordinary-looking older people. All of them have so many stories to tell. For instance, Bert told me about World War II and how sentimental it was to meet a German 50 years after the war, who was a soldier, thus an enemy of the British. To realize how stupid we can be, that once people wanted to kill each other but perhaps they can be really good friends.

When Ann and Bert took me to Eyemouth to see the beach and the sea, it's a really nice day (well, in the Scottish perspective, no rain is nice already). The sea was really calm and I was enjoying it. Ann said, "You really don't know why how terrible sometimes the sea can be." I simply don't (and don't want to) think about the negative side when things seem to be so good.

Erin was having lung cancer for years before he died last year. When I greeted him and asked "how are you?" he'd say, "Very bad. It's so painful I couldn't sleep for many nights." You see, normally and normatively, we're used to reply a greeting to say, "I'm fine," "Good" and so on. Yet, I learnt from them that it's OK to say we're not OK when we're not.

It's also because of Ann that I stopped my coffee addiction. She would order me very strong coffee in the cafe because I liked it that way (or I simply didn't have a choice when I was addicted). But once she said, "When you're lying in bed in the hospital, you'll say you shouldn't do this."

It takes a life to have wisdom I guess. But when we have achieved that, it's about the time we have to go. Is life that stupid? This may become my dissertation question. :)
September 29, 2005, 9:22am

I'll have my statistics exam in one hour. Keep your fingers crossed for me, OK?

Addy, Twiggy and Clara, I'm going to pray the rosary...

Monday, September 26, 2005

September 26, 2005, 4:28pm

A strange thing about UF is that, professors said students only need a B and students keep saying that they need a B.

I think the first time I heard about this B ideology was in the psychology department orientation last month. Then so many people would say, all I need is a B to get through.

I have been thinking about this and can't think it through. It's so strange. At LSE, we go for excellence. I always want the best.

So, when I finally decided that I couldn't figure out why there's such a B ideology and what the implications might be, I emailed my advisor and asked him about it. I said I want an A and want to go for excellence.

Then, I was flipping through my organizer this morning and just realized that I forgot my research meeting with my advisor and the team last Tuesday! One week ago!!!

So, I rushed to my advisor's room and said sorry. He said it's all right. And I'm welcome to join them again tomorrow.

I feel so guilty about it. I was in the infirmary last Tuesday trying to get a referral to see the sports medicine. And I forgot about the meeting completely. What's worse, I met my advisor several times last week and he didn't say anything about my absence without reason... Just couldn't imagine what I would be thinking if I were him.

What sort of excellence I'm going for...

Anyways, he said, the B thing is strange. He's from Germany and works very hard to get good grades. But in the States, with grade inflation, everybody gets an A though they may not be up to standard.

He said I should stay with my attitude, get As and go for excellence.

Yes, I will.

Friday, September 23, 2005

September 23, 2005, 7:43pm

It's a really long day. I woke up at 6am because I had to administer a make-up exam for two students at 7:20am. And GatorLift couldn't take me because their schedule was full of needy people, so I rode my bike to my office and walked 15 minutes to the lecture hall.

Well, I could ride my bike to the lecture hall down the hill and save the 15-minute walk but I would have a huge problem to push it back to the top of the hill. So, the exam's done anyways.

I was so worried about waking up late that I woke up several times last night having nightmares about being late for them. One time I woke up at 3:15am... They are my kids and I need to be there for them.

So when things were done, I went to the post office to pick up the parcel too big to be stuffed in my mailbox. Leanne, thank you so much for the herbal teabags. I was having so much "hot air" after the bbq with friends in the Chinese church last Saturday. So many pimples... they're extra large!

And you know, I only ride my bike like twice a week. Most of the time I had the GatorLift to take me or I just walked. But everytime when I'm on my bike, I think of you. (Sounds sweet? But this is definitely not a love letter. :D)

It's only last year you taught me to ride the bike and it was so hard. I still remember you asked me not to look at the steer. Should look in front of me on the road instead. And later you said when I can ride, I should be able to see the scenary and enjoy the ride itself...

Now, I need to add one more thing. I need to look and pay attention to the traffic! Cars, bikes and people are going from all directions around and within the campus. It's really scary especially when I don't even have much confidence to walk the stairs yet I have to be on the bike and ride.

Last Saturday I actually fell from my bike on my way back home after working in the computer laboratory for my statistics assignment. It's my right elbow and it's OK. Not yet completely healed but should be soon. So, you take care in the other end. OK?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

September 20, 2005, 4:56pm

Well, with a wider sky, I'll need more trees. I've got tanned a lot. This is OK but I don't want to have skin cancer...

My LSE dissertation has just arrived. It's great! I can begin the process to apply for the recognition of my master's work. So, may not need to do a master's thesis here. That is, I may graduate earlier! Let's see how it goes.

I was flipping through the pages of my own writing, feeling like, this is like a work done decades ago. It feels like it's a really long time ago. Actually, three years ago this time, I was in Scotland with Ann and Bert enjoying my last week in the UK. It is such a good memory.

I ought to look forward into the future. I still have a pile of required reading this week and will have my exam next Tuesday. Getting nervous.

Thank you so much, Psyche. My kid is just out of the packing! You know what, see the tag? Mccty! My office is in McCarty Hall!!! You can be a psychic reader. :D

Sunday, September 18, 2005

September 18, 2005, 11:04pm

So, you people had fun in the Mid-Autumn Festival? I was in the bbq party with friends in the Chinese church. And meeting some more friends.

I bought myself a candle in the yard sales yesterday -- well, not those small ones but a huge one -- right now I have two candles lit up. One's plain and the other with Christmas archetypes on it from Shirley... :D (Lillian and Twiggy, do you remember my answer to your question why the candle disappears while burning? Combustion and incomplete combustion?)

I should be able to show you some photos when I get them from friends. I bought my camera with me but it's out of battery when I tried to turn it on. Both batteries didn't work... I know I know. I was meant to be trained as a professional news photographer and this shouldn't happen. I didn't check. My fault.

So, after that, I had to concentrate on my statistics assignment and my performance goal to discuss with my advisor. I printed the performance goal on a used A4 paper... from Hong Kong. And now, this narrower and longer A4 paper looks odd in size. You see how human beings adapt to changes.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

September 17, 2005, 8:09pm

I'm just puzzled. I've been thinking about how big the UF campus is since the very first minute when I decided to accept this offer. And I'm here for 1.5 months already and I still don't seem to be able to figure it out.

With the official figure in the UF website, I did the conversion and calculation and found that it's six times as big as CUHK. But now, when I'm used to the campus especially with GatorLift taking me everywhere, it just doesn't seem so big.

Anyways, I still haven't got the time to check out the lake and see the alligators yet. Hopefully tomorrow afternoon I'll be there after church. Then I'll head back to my office and work on the readings for my research.

The UF campus map is printed on an A3 paper. I still remember when I was at LSE, the little map could be put in my organizer. (Lok, I hope you'll really enjoy your life in London when you're there later this month. LSE is great though it's small and the pub smells so bad...)

Hey, psychologists, I'm thinking about human perception. I'm always fascinated by the finding that, someone from a tropical rain forest won't be able to see an elephant far away as an elephant. They'll see a mosquito... (This is what I remember from the textbook. I didn't read the original paper...) That is, their perception of distance is adapted to see things close to them when the forest is crowded with big trees and they don't see things far away.

I'm always aware of the fact that I'm from a subtropical concrete forest. Ever since when I was on the train in UK and later in Scottish Border when Ann and Bert took me everywhere, I keep thinking, I'm seeing the horizon. How far is it actually? And not to mention about the horizon in the Egypt desert, the Mediterraneon Sea in Greece and the Silk Road.

I got to find the time and think about where to go in Christmas.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

September 15, 2005, 11:01pm

It's a hawk! Awsome!!! Have you seen any hawk standing on the ground? It's just because I couldn't catch it flying...

Well, it's a long day every Thursday. I have classes until 7pm. I was actually in the parking lot waiting for the GatorLift to take me home. Then, this god-like creature was landing... on the grass.

So, I couldn't miss this chance to record this moment of wonder. I saw it landing! And it pondered around for some seconds. I wanted to go closer. You see, it's just a digital camera and I don't have the tele-lens sufficient to take a photo of birds.

Well, it flew away for sure when it's not comfortable I was so close. So, I had to magnify the photos here or I'll just be able to show you a small dot in a patch of green.

I showed the photos to Cindy, the GatorLift driver. I thought it's an eagle but she said it's a hawk. OK, I simply don't know. Whatever, it can be god anyways.

Then she said, she saw hawks getting rats and snakes. "You saw it on TV or you really saw them?"

"I saw them in my backyard," said she.

I really need to think about spending more time sitting in my backyard.
September 15, 2005, 3:29pm

I want to write about the squirrels many times but every time when I begin to write, I just keep writing something else. So, right now I'm waiting for the GatorLift to pick me up for classes. Let me grab this time to tell you the beauty of the squirrels. At least I find them really beautiful.

Squirrels are everywhere here and I see them everyday. Well, I saw a lot of them in London too. But like, about one month ago, I was simply struck to see a squirrel jumping from the ground onto the trunk of a tree. Probably a pine tree, where they find food.

Its streamline body and the long tail made a posture so striking to the extent that, to me, it's like the gymnastic athletes in Olympics. That is, like the moment when the athletes jump off the ground, spread their legs apart at the highest point, their bodies would look as if they stay in the air and fly momentarily.

I remember I usually thought people actually can fly at least a little bit before I learnt Newton's Second Law, that we are subjected to gravity and we simply wouldn't be able to stay in air no matter how high we jump. (Well, at the highest point when v=0, probably it's kind of staying in air momentarily theoretically.)

When the athletes do look like they fly a little bit, it's just an illusion. At least my physics teacher said so. Well, I don't know if he's correct. (Sister Yuk, what do you think?)

Now, I don't need to wait for the Olympic Games every four years and sit in front of the TV to see this illusion of wonder. I am able to enjoy this beauty of illusionary flying if I just take a chair outside my apartment, sit there and wait.

Yesterday I actually saw one of the World Beauties and Olympic champions combined, wagging its tail like mad on the trunk of a tree. Almost like the helicopter.

I'm beginning to doubt that perhaps the squirrels can actually stay in the air momentarily even though they are also subjected to the gravitational force. Planes fly too. Why not the squirrels with their frantic tails? Olympic athelets don't have a tail to help them. Perhaps squirrels are very proud of their powerful tails, who knows.

Monday, September 12, 2005

September 11, 2005, 11:31pm

Four years ago around this time, like many other people, I was watching the TV and wanted to know what's going on in the World Trade Center. But it meant more to me because on September 12, I had to fly to London for my master's. (Carmen, I don't know how we made such a bold decision.)

Now, here I'm going for my PhD. It took me four years to walk this small step. I want to say, I'm trying to embrace every moment here.

I was doing the laundry this afternoon. Just like last week. When it's done, I carried the huge bag of cleaned clothes back to my apartment. I was feeling, this just can't be better. It's the clear blue sky and I'm here alive to enjoy this very moment. I feel I'm so blessed.

I want the endless sky. So many times when I was in the Faculty of Medicine, HKU, looking out of the pantry window overseeing Lantau Island and Lamma Island, I promised myself, I want a wider sky. And I finally made it.

I want very much to share my joy with everyone of you. Without you, I won't be who I'm. I wouldn't be able to make it to this point. Thank you.

I remember Bert, my friend in Scotland, told me how excited he was every time he heard the plane flying when he was small. Planes were new inventions by then. (If I remember correctly, Bert is 86 this year.)

He would run out of the house and saw the plane above. Then he joined the Royal Air Force as a bomber pilot in World War II.

I was looking at his photos in his 20s when he's in the airforce. "How did you know how to fly the plane?"

He said, "I learnt to do it. They had classes to teach us how."

I hope I will never forget this lesson. Remember what you want to do. Find out the way and learn to do it. We can fly. (I want to fly too. But I don't want to fly a plane and kill.)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

September 10, 2005, 6:50pm

I tried to press the buttons in numerous ways to put the letters on the screen. And of course, I failed.

I had a problem with the phone. I had no idea how to dial the number, well, not the number, the letters.

Got my check card from the bank and had to activate the card by phone. OK, it's a series of numbers and letters. What to do with it?

I looked into the phone manual and found nothing about dialing the letters. Went online and found something about the history of the phone numbers with letters and that the letters on the pad are arranged differently in Europe, blah blah blah...

I wanted to know how to dial the letters! So, I called Shirley for help.

The way to dial the letters is to dial the number corresponding to the letter. Say, helena, it's just to dial 435362. Why making the world so complicated!

You see, seems like everyone knows how. And no one ever would say "this is absolutely wierd!" but me.

Now, I finally know how and got to know the history too. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_exchange_names

Friday, September 09, 2005

September 9, 2005, 4:26pm

Hi, just as what has been since last year, I need to announce this: My M comes again!

You see, I will attribute my M problem to a psychological origin. Western medicine doesn't help. Chinese medicine helps a little. And now, when I'm away from Hong Kong (well, I miss you all though) and my sick family, my M is functioning again.

I'm so happy. It's only late for nine days. (Twiggy, you remember how many times I counted the weeks and months when it's late.)

But I'm having M pain... Well, according to the stringent Chinese Medicine standard, pain on the first day is normal. (Sophia, would you please double check with Dr. Chan? I read his book on gynecology... But I can't remember what about pain on other days...)

It's like, it's more painful when I'm back home... I didn't feel so distracted when I was in my office and the library. I can't concentrate on the readings... Or is this only an excuse to have a break? :D

Thursday, September 08, 2005

September 8, 2005, 1:18pm

Faculties and graduate students outside the Psychology Building, UF. By Jim Yousse.

I mean to write about the wheelchair inaccessibility of my office for days but I just keep forgetting. So, let me just grab several minutes to write before I get drown in the pile of required readings for the discussion at 4pm.

Well, yes, there's the wheelchair access in the building and I take the elevator every time because my office is on the 5/F. Well, five steps would be fine. But it's 5/F! So, the knee pain might trigger a suicidal thought when I tried to reach the 5/F by the stairs yet I might feel devastated only on the 2/F.

There're four or five steps to climb up to reach my office door when I walk pass the reception desk. Yes, it's just a few steps up and I can manage that. But hey, why are the steps there in the first place? Decoration? Interior design? Did anyone take into account of a wheelchair or a pair of impaired knees?

I mean, I can accommodate the steps but not everybody with a mobility problem can. I just want an answer. Why are they there!