November 29, 2005, 7:09pm

I just wonder, there're the shelves of supplements for almost everything in Walmart. I also tried so many Chinese medicine herbs...

But why don't we have anything to make us more hardworking? I keep trying to read for my term paper due next week... Haven't got any idea about what to write...

My knees are getting worse when it's cold. Everything gets tightened in the cold. Got to work harder on the physical therapy exercises.

Time files. Can't believe the semester break is only one week away. I dreaded every week to go sooner when I was in Hong Kong. The last two months in Hong Kong was so difficult and long.

November 26, 2005, 12:10am

Just want to write about my first Thanksgiving here.

I had a brunch with my friends and their families. It's my missionary friends who spent 30 years in Hong Kong. It's plenty of food. Too much...

Then my advisor took me to his home and spent the afternoon and evening. Food again. It's very nice food. Juicy turkey, really nice wine...

Just any culture, I think, people simply have the occasions for the families to come together. Have a time to indulge in food and an excuse to gain some weight.

The first time I ever felt like having a glimpse of how a family is like was the time when I was in Scotland with Ann and Bert. Just stayed in the house sitting by the fire. Going out and joined the annual town event. Just talking. Being normal.

Gradually I begin to know that many people have a normal family. And it takes hard work to build and maintain a loving relationship.

So many times I think, this God is love thing is simply nonsense. First, I don't know what God is. Second, I'm not sure if I know what love is. Father's love, sort of things. OK, if you think your earthly father is loving and you project a god who also loves you. But too bad, I have little idea what a father's love is.

I think I know what a friend's love is. Why is God's love bigger? How to compare a father's love and a friend's love? Who's love is better or bigger?

I want to give you thanks here. A huge thank you. :)

November 23, 2005, 5:59pm

Hey, I was in the driver's seat just now! A friend took me out driving for 30 minutes. I hit the curb two times!!!

Anyways, actually doing that feels like it's something that can be accomplished.

I was rather depressed the whole day before driving. My supervisor brought her 4-year-old daughter to class to demonstrate many of the tests we learnt in books. It's fun to see her actually making the mistakes consistently. But whenever I'm studying about kids and families, my family is always in the undesirable side. I always feel the pain and find nowhere to go and don't know what I can do to help myself.

So, I went home after class and slept for five hours. Still feeling sick and sad. Then my friend called and we're out driving. My world becomes bright again!

I think I need the insight. I know what I don't want in my life. I don't want my past to keep dragging me down. I need to envision that my life can be better, step by step.

November 21, 2005, 10:23am

I have just survived my lecture!!! Hey, this is great! It's done, finally!!!

Thank you so much. Thank you for all the photos you sent me. Thank you for giving me support and praying for me. Anyhow, my lecture was on peer relationship, that's all about you. :)

It's really my very first time to give a lecture in English. Usually when I have done things, I just have no clue how I can actually do it. Thinking back, it just sounds amazing that I can do this. It's not me doing that alone. You have all contributed to what I have done.

I feel I'm so blessed because of you. :)

November 19, 2005, 12:39am

Finally, I get to know why the rice cooker doens't work... I got a 220-110V transformer! This is so bad...

I simply didn't pay attention to the specifications on my two transformers. Well, they look the same at a glance. Yet, the other one is 110-220V.

Theoretically, I should be able to convert the 220-110V to 110-220V. It's simply the number of coils. I did a lot of these calculations and experiments in secondary school. Well, but I just don't have the confidence to practically do it in my apartment. I have to fear about a fire.

You see, I just don't know why I had to learn physics all those years. I did all the work to pass the exam yet I simply didn't have any real life experience to apply my knowledge on the everyday appliances.

It's just a simple transformer... not a washer or a microwave. Anyways, I don't want to be bold about electricity outside the lab.

Well, when I was on the plane, I would think about how pressure increases and velocity decreases. I also thought about the P and V relationship when I was on the feluca in River Nile. Yet, the sailors didn't seem to know these theories yet they could go sailing... I just got to think about what I'm doing all these years burying my head in the books.

I still haven't found anyone available to teach me driving. Again, I learnt all the basics about the engine and combustion. I also learnt about how a car turns: friction, centripetal force... what's the use? Can these help me drive safer? What about how to maintain a car?

Just don't know why the school didn't teach any practical stuff at all. Here, at least they make high school students to learn driving. I learnt to sit still in the overly crowded classroom because Hong Kong is overly populated anyways.

I just hated it when I was in the home economics class. Just damn stupid to buy a piece of fabric and make a dress etc when the fabric was a lot more expensive than what I could have bought with a brand name. I simply didn't learn any sewing or cooking at all. What's the point to have those stoves and ovens in the school kitchen when most Hong Kong people don't have them at home? Now, I have an oven and I just don't know how to utilize it.

Anyways, baked food is just hot air and not good for my health... It's just a weird colonial education system back then.

November 18, 2005, 9:40pm

I just have to mark this day. I had a cup of coffee this morning.

I haven't touched coffee for 2.5 years already. Yet, I was feeling exhausted this morning. Just hoping a cup of coffee would give me a boost of energy.

Coffee doesn't play magic. Or my Chinese medicine doctors wouldn't say repeatedly it's no good. And I do have to give at least some credits to the wisdom in Chinese medicine.

I was alert for quite a while but many of the symptoms I had during those years when I was an addict came back. Feeling anxious, having watery eyes and all the tension in my stomach... And just now, I'm having a lot more pimples...

I just got to forget about coffee in the rest of my life. It's doing me no good.

November 17, 2005, 10:09pm

Now my presentation was done. My brain is cracking...

Just got the www.theinterviewwithgod.com link from a friend again today. Every time I read the line, I feel a sense of awakening.

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

Well, I think we can't stop to make money. We need money for food to maintain health. The problem is to maintain a balance. When the semester break is only three weeks away, what can I do!

I've made the brain-nourishing soup again. South date, walnut... Hope it helps a little bit...

November 14, 2005, 9:23pm

I'll have to give my first lecture here on peer relationship next Monday. Yes, I'll show some of your photos in class. I can't show them all or I'll have to teach the whole semester. And all I'll have to do is to have slides of your photos in class. :P

Thank you so much for sending me all our photos. That's how I can have a collection of photos to select the ones that fit my lecture.

Weeks ago I was dreading about the lecture. Very frightening to have 160 students sitting in the lecture hall. That is 320 eyes looking at me. But when I begin to work on it, I feel more prepared.

This afternoon in the group counseling session, my counselor said I can actually make use of humor. Make fun of myself, tell them I'm anxious and ask them to help.

So, I come back, work on the Powerpoint and my lecture notes again. I feel a lot better to think about to give a lecture this way. Not to hide about what I worry and anxious about. But to let them know. Be open and ask for help.

I'm just feeling relieved. :)

I will also have a presentation in class this Thursday. I still haven't got the readings done yet... When these two are done, I'll really have to focus on my two papers and final exams.

Then, it's the semester break!!!

November 12, 2005, 12:15am

I have already forgotten when I had the gathering with other graduate students in developmental psychology. Probably it's already in September when we can still find some time go get together.

Things are getting really mad. Only three weeks and it's the final exam. I have one presentation, one lecture to give, two exams, one big paper and one small, and statistics assignments every week.

It's like to challenge my limits every day.

November 9, 2005, 9:23pm

I'm still thinking about the kid and his mother I saw yesterday outside the driver license office. Both are so happy, so I suppose the kid got his license.

My parents never show any happiness when I got my MSc, BSSc, just whatever.

When I told my mother that I'd go for my PhD, the first words out of her mouth was: "Do you have a lot of money?"

Sounds like, I have a lot of money and I don't give her.

They never help with my school work. Never show any support. I didn't expect them to teach me developmental psychology, gender studies or journalistic writing. I only asked them to turn down the TV volume when I was working on my GRE.

She fired back, "Only you have freedom? We don't have freedom?"

Well, it's me who really didn't have any "freedom" or "option." The TV's on no matter what. I was just asking. And my request was never satisfied.

The thing I learnt from them is that, they didn't put any effort, so they wouldn't get any satisfaction, happiness or joy in return. That's fair.

But I just have to wonder, how is it like to have someone to cheer up with you when you have accomplished something? Big or small?

November 8, 2005, 8:53pm

I went to the infirmary to check my knee in the afternoon. It's just swollen. The doctor said it doesn't seem to have any broken bones. So let's see if it's getting better in the next few days. If not, I need to worry.

So, it's just swollen. I think I have more psychological problems than physical ones. I already emailed my counselor about that this morning. It's like, because of my childhood and all the crazy stuff in my family, I tend to block out my negative emotions. As a coping strategy, it works OK with my sick family that's poking at me all the time. But at times of emergency, it's like, my defense mechanism is making me sort of maladaptive.

Cognitively, I think it's shocking to be in a car accident being knocked down. Yet, I simply don't feel the shock. But this morning when I woke up, I was so tired after a whole night of sleep. It's like, all the shock turned into physical symptoms.

I don't know. I need to see if I can get any help from counseling.

Anyways, I've got my learner permit this afternoon. So, nearly all is set. I just need to find someone to teach me how to drive. I'll be very careful.

November 7, 2005, 11:28pm

Now, my left knee is swollen as ever. Having ice on it feels better but it would probably take days for the pain to go away.

Well, I had a bottle of cream in my bag and just discovered that it all went out because of the clash. All messy in my bag but I got to be thankful. It could be me who's messy.

And the front wheel of my bike is not working. Got to get it fixed. A lesson to learn is that, I should actually get the driver's number. She did offer it but I thought I was OK. I was hoping everything is OK.

Take care, everyone. I love you.

November 7, 2005, 9:14pm

Just to say, I got hit by a car. It's a side clash and I was on my bike. I'm pretty OK. My left knee burnt for quite a while but seems that it's OK now. If it's not, should be OK in a few days.

Well, I just realize that every time we see each other doing OK, it really means a lot. Just anything can happen.

By the way, I will have my vision and hearing test to get the learner's permit tomorrow afternoon. It's just a timely reminder to me that I really have to be very careful when I drive.

Just to send my best wishes and my love to you.

November 5, 2005, 1:02pm

I'm just obsessed by the death of a UF student. Brown was beaten to death by five suspected young men after the football game in Jacksonville last Saturday.

It's so sad. Brown was only 24 and the suspects are around 18 to 20.

I simply feel so sorry that Brown died so young. When I look back, I would have missed a lot in life if I died at 24. I haven't been to London for my master's, thus not meeting Ann and Bert in Scotland. No trip to Ireland and Scotland. No trip to Beijing and Silk Road... Haven't had patellofemoral syndrome and wouldn't meet all the people who are helpful and unhelpful when I was so desperate not being able to lift my own legs.

And when I'm here in Florida for my PhD, I'm expecting all sorts of possibilities and adventures in the rest of my life. The last thing I want is to die right now.

There may be two reasons that we don't want to die. 1. Fear about death, 2. desire to live. Of course, we can be afraid of death and have the desire to live at the same time.

But for me, at least right now, I want to live the best I can. To see more and to become a better person.

This possibility of death always reminds me that I could have died when I was in year two back in CUHK. I was only 20, as I can remember. I climbed from the roof of the Chien Mu Library to the roof of the Humanity Building after midnight. The library roof is about one story lower than that of the Humanity Building.

So, I was climbing from the 3-story library to the 4-story Humanity Building. It's a wide gap between them and somehow, I used two broken rails and made them into two unstable ladders. A friend was holding the rails to make them more stable. When I reached the end of the "ladder," I couldn't touch the edge of the Humanity building roof. And I decided to jump and fortunately, I did reach the edge that's inches away from the tips of my fingers.

So, I was like the spiderman without superpower hanging in there. Finally I lifted myself and climbed onto the roof.

Now, do you wonder why I did that? I wanted to get something for the media ethics class project. I was working in the department building after midnight but some "important stuff" was in my mailbox, which was behind a locked door. So, I got the papers I needed so much that I didn't think about death and passed them to my friend through the door gap. What's more, I climbed from the 4-story roof back to the library roof. That is, I had to hang myself over the edge and let my body fall to the "ladder" that's inches away from the tips of my feet.

Don't ask me how I did that and didn't fall off from the "ladder." I can assure you I'm not a superbeing like the Incredible family with hidden powers. If I was Mr. Incredible, I would have break the door. If I was Mrs. Incredible, I could transform to be a thin sheet and slide myself through the door gap. Well, to be able to run fast doesn't mean I can jump high and being invisible simply can't help.

You know, I was so stupid, I thought I wouldn't die, it's only 3 stories. I remember I did have such a thought. But days after my live performance without any audience, I went to the roof again in the day time and only discovered that the buildings are established on a steep slope. You know, CUHK is on a hill. So, if I fell, it's miles more than the height of the 3-story Chien Mu Library.

So, I could have died two times. Yet, I didn't. Isn't it mystical? Everytime when I think about it, my hands sweat. And when I'm nervious about something, like an exam coming, I would have a nightmare about this near-death experience.

Take care. We only have one life.

November 4, 2005, 2:14pm

I can't believe it. I've passed the two online driving tests. So many questions about license suspension and insurance law that I have little clue about. Yet, my guesses are correct. It'd be excellent if the GRE was so easy back then...

Need to see how to proceed next. I haven't read about the coming procedures as I simply don't think I can pass the tests.

I was thinking about Sister Chu when I was taking the tests. She said her driver license is older than me and it's so easy to get it when she was in California. I took her words half-heartedly as she was driving already when she got her license there. Anyways, the tests are really easy even though I have never driven before.

OK. Enough talking about the military on paper. Got to find out how to find a driving instructor and get into the driver's seat.

November 4, 2005, 12:30am

Well, I said I need to sleep. But then, I worked on the online course to apply for a driver license. So, it's done. The next thing is to work on the online Learner Permit exam.

I've been working on the said-to-be-four-hour online course on alcohol and substance abuse for months... I simply don't have much time to sit down in front of my notebook and read the alcohol effect and traffic law. And many times when the chapter was assigned for a minimum reading time for 20 minutes, it could take me up to 40 minutes before I was confident to proceed to the chapter quiz. I had to get the questions right before I could move on to the next chapter... So it's a lot longer than four hours.

Now, I'm one step closer. Need to study the road signs and traffic law for the Learner Permit exam. Got to get it done in one time or I'll have to pay to re-test. That's the last thing I want.

Just one more course and exam outside the graduate school. I can do it!

November 3, 2005, 7:19pm

I made it! Done with the statistics exam and paper!!!

Now, I got to sleep. Last night I had a nightmare again. Was fighting with my mother. So many times I tried to kill her in my dreams. But I don't remember any single time that I'm successful at all. I'd just wake up in the middle of the fight, shocked with sweat and tension all over my body.

Well, I'm feeling a lot better now. Just a nightmare like this every one or two weeks. When I was in Hong Kong in the last three years, I had such nightmares really often. Especially in the first six months when I was back from London, I had terrible nightmares several times every single night.

I really don't know how I lived with that. But I'm gradually realizing that, I should try to orient myself to the future, to think about how I want to live in the rest of my life, and not to think back about how I lived.

It's fine if I can learn any lesson from the past. But if I'm just dreading about what I've gone through and re-live the pain, it doesn't make much sense. I have got more than enough pain already. I shouldn't create more in my head and live in the shadow of pain.

The question is, how? I want to be happy and free. How can I get there? Got to set a goal and do it step by step.

November 1, 2005, 1:24pm

So, my statistics exam is just done! My preparation since 6pm last evening was... sleeping. :D

I didn't do the assignments in this second section as well as in the first. But I still want an A. So I just had to work extra hard for the exam. Worked on the exercises in the back of the chapters for days and tried to learn from my mistakes.

Was very anxious because I cannot contemplate the idea that I'm going to get less than an A, yet my grade in the assignments is only a B+. So, I really need an A in the exam to make up for an A overall.

So, I'll have to begin working on my paper. I can do it!