The other end of the Earth: November 2006

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

November 29, 2006, 10:04pm

Oh, it's only 9F!!! -12.78C...

I really wonder how I can survive this winter...

November 29, 2006, 8:04pm

This is crazy. It's one foot of snow overnight. And I fell walking on the ice!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

November 28, 2006, 9:00pm

Leanne, I got the package of snacks. See what's going on!

Things look OK from this angle.

The bag is like a balloon about to explode. :DDDDD

It's the low air pressure here in the high altitude. The Lipton tea boxes are in a similar condition. But the paper boxes don't look as dramatic. :D

I feel so warm getting the package. It's snowstorm today. So cold... The snow will continue until Wednesday...

Ai, I also got a Christmas card from my family. It's making me very sad.

Monday, November 27, 2006

November 27, 2006, 8:03pm

It's the second last group counseling session today. Got to find out a way to keep in touch with these nice people. :)

I think the close-to-perfect family in One Liter of Tears may exist in the world. But not every family can do that. If such a family is ordinary and commonplace, it doesn't worth it to put it in the TV or to publish about it in a book.

Many of my friends in the group therapy have a troubling family. I alo read too many tragic stories in interviews of people with psychiatric disorders. Those are really sad sad sad stories that should be put in the TV. Instead of glorifying family love, it may be educational to know how family hurts.

I read about individuals who were hospitalized for schizophrenia. Not from books but from interview data. Then, the next thing they knew, they could not contact their families anymore. The families changed the phone number. They moved. The individuals in need were abandoned. They didn't know where to go after hospitalization.

Probably we have the ideal, the prototypical family in our mind. Probably we project our desire to have such a perfect family in the TV. I doubt if such a perfect family exists. But I'm sure child abuse and discrimination exist in many families.

I don't think my family would take care of me if I got a deadly disease. My mother blamed me for being crippled. She also scolded me a million times during Sars to make sure I was wearing the surgical mask. Yeah, she locked herself at home, not going out. So I would be the person going out to contract Sars and kill her.

I'm trying to work on my next paper on parental differential treatment. That is, parents favor one kid over the other. Why would they do this? I can imagine parents like one kid better than the other. But why my mother can be so mean to me? She's trying to destroy me.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Thursday, November 23, 2006

November 23, 2006, 1:24pm

Leanne, I will find time to "boil" One Liter of Tears! I was up until 3am searching the clips...

Just too bad... I felt the fear and pain when Aya's trying to take the steps down in the zoo... Someone should beat up that guy who pushed her.

So, friends, did you feel embarrassed walking around with me when I was crippling? I can stand and walk straight now though there's always pain. And my knees are still swollen after the hike last Saturday.

Sophia, I went to Macau with you and I had to use the walking stick. Did you feel like to walk away?

Leanne, I couldn't walk more than 30 minutes without complaints. And I got to find a place to sit down. Was I a pain or trouble?

How come the focus is on how Aya was struggling. What about what those pain-free strangers around? Can they think about what they can do to make lives easier for people with disabilities?

I'll write about what I feel about Aya's family later. I'm feeling very bad now. How come I didn't have anyone to support me in the family when I was not able to lift my own legs. My mother was scolding me about doing physical therapy. She said it's no use. Yeah, I bet she thinks she knows better than the orthopedics doctor and physical therapists.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

November 22, 2006, 3:04pm

My laptop is down again. Cannot boot up and cannot shut down... Got to work in the lab in the Thanksgiving holidays...

So, I have a writing assignment for my counseling therapy. I need to write about my feeling of emptiness in Thanksgiving, when everyone is going home.

Tough.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

November 19, 2006, 11:56pm

Just beautiful. It's a place where you can see evidence of good air.

It's Bobcat Ridge.

http://fcgov.com/naturalareas/bobcat.php

Saturday, November 18, 2006

November 18, 2006, 9:24pm

My knees are in pain right now. I went up to the mountain this morning. I hiked 2 miles... It's not like hills in Hong Kong or the Great Wall. I didn't even have to go up and down. The car did that. I was only walking on a trail of level ground... It's very easy but my knees are swollen.

It's very beautiful and quiet up there. I'll post some photos probably tomorrow. No time this evening. I'm making law han fruit soup. It's very dry here.

Friday, November 17, 2006

November 18, 2006, 12:13am

Also, if A Diary of Tears is really popular in Hong Kong, I wonder why. Is there anyone reflecting on how people with disabilities are treated?

I cannot forget all those ridiculous steps and slopes going to CUHK and HKU. I was going to the Prince of Wales Hospital, CUHK, and HKU Medicine. How are they treating people with mobility problems? And the curbs all over Hong Kong. There's no sign to inform customers what to do when the MTR escalator broke down. Did they expect a wheelchair to climb the steps?

The stupid cinema in Causeway Bay that gave me obstacles when I was trying to get out without walking the steps. No place to sit down and have a rest in the malls when my knees wouldn't work.

Well, at least, I can begin with a focus group to see what people like or dislike about A Diary of Tears. What attracts them? What do they think about people having a disability? Then, I should be able to go about with a qualitative interview to see what TV viewers want to get from the show. My research question is to see how watching a person with disabilities in TV may influence what they think about people with disabilities in real life.

What about if it's an older person with diabilities instead of a 14-year-old? Will a TV show about an older person with a disability be as interesting?

November 17, 2006, 11:05pm

I was watching One Liter Tears from youtube. Leanne, thanks for your recommendation!

I am really impressed. Is it the reality in the Japanese high schools? The school has its own indoor basketball courts! How come Hong Kong students are so deprived? Or was I deprived? What about other Hong Kong schools? What facilities do they offer for students?

The schools here have a lot of outdoor places for students. My friend's grandson in Florida can play football in his junior high school. I also have a huge gym here. It's simply not comparable to the small gym rooms in CUHK, HKIEd, or PolyU.

Why would Hong Kong students pay such high tuition fee but don't get anything close? Why Hong Kong students study so hard for so many years, in the end, those employers would label students as having low language ability or lack of international vision? Low and lack, compared to who? Against what standard?

Who will be able to evaluate the previous generation of Hong Kong university students? Were they having high language ability? Did they have international vision? Who knows?

All bullshit. They just want to demean Hong Kong students. They simply want to pay less salary. I don't believe in those bullshit. Asian students work much longer hours. Asian students also do well based on a lot of international standards.

Hong Kong doesn't produce as many university students as many other Asian countries. My Korean, Japanese, and Philippino friends said for sure they have at least 50% high school students going to the university. It was less than 18% when I went to the university. Those suckheads were already bullshitting about university graduates not having good English.

Who didn't have good English? Who can say I didn't have good English with my IELTS, TOEFL, and GRE scores? These are international standards.

I'm having a conspiracy theory. Those Hong Kong employers want university students cheap. They try to make up a story about how the students don't measure up. So the students don't value much. They want to pay less. This is pathetic.

This is so much like my mother. Always scolding. Nothing constructive. I am always useless whatever I do or not do. If I have any achievement, it's either nothing or I am arrogant.

If Hong Kong students really don't measure up, OK, what's the point? So, are you going to come up with a plan to help students improve? I have never read any of those employers giving any suggestions.

They're like my mother. She wants to destroy me. She wants to fail me and step on me. She won't try so at least she won't fail. If I try and she does whatever to fail me, I'm a loser, she doesn't lose. And she is successful to fail me.

I had my desk in the balcony. The washing machine was 1.5 meters away from me. I had the wet clothes and underwears hanging above my head. It's the highway outside, the trucks, buses, and motorcycles were roaring. The TV's on until 10pm. When it's finally turned off, I would have a relatively quiet time to work, usually until 2am. The neighbors were playing mahjog...

Here, most often it's the college students making noise having parties.

All Hong Kong students have a success story, no matter they get into the university or not. What kind of school environment does Hong Kong provide for most students? And we can still score far above the international averages?

I simply don't see why so many Hong Kong students with such high quality should be stuck in Hong Kong working over 12 hours a day and getting disrespect. It's relatively few Hong Kong students going overseas to work or study, compared to other Chinese students. Most of them apply to go overseas after their undergraduates.

If circumstances allow, why not leave the sickening place that won't appreciate our effort working in school all these years? Why do we have to have a UST student killing himself?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

November 16, 2006, 9:47pm

OK. I'm done with my two papers. In the next three weeks, I have the followings to do.

1. A paper with a group
2. A class discussion
3. Final exam
4. A conference abstract

I'll have to get the conference abstract done by Dec. 1!!! Got to work very hard.

My roommate said something very inspiring this evening. She read a book that says, if you want to do something, the universe will conspire.

Monday, November 13, 2006

November 13, 2006, 11:23pm

It makes me really angry to read car accidents like this.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/061113/60/1wbyi.html

Come on, let the bikes go first. Only release the brake when the bikes are out of your way. Why would the bikes yield the way for a truck in the first place? They are just kids. How can you predict what they are going to do? They are so small. It's very difficult to see them in the mirror.

What is the "reason?" Is it reasonable at all? I really hope this is not really what the driver said. How come he would be looking at the wall instead of watching out for the kids? The wall won't move. Let the kids go first then he will have more space!

I really don't understand. I think this can be a good research question. Why drivers in Hong Kong and so many places in China don't yield to pedestrians and bikes? Come on, I will be driving 20 miles/hour even in the campus. A car goes so much faster than the two legs. Why not just stay for 2 seconds and let the pedestrians and bikes go first? A car will pass them within half a second. A car can also run over them in a millisecond.

November 13, 2006, 10:30pm

I don't understand. I remember somehow a TV show or whatever said that Einstein published a paper in a few pages and that turned our understanding of the world up-side-down. He had no references.

I feel like I'm so stupid here. I write and write and write for so many pages. I have to keep a complete record of all the references. I have to be very meticulous about spell-check and the years of publication etc.

Why do I have to do all these? Why I simply cannot come up with a good enough idea if not a briliant one that can change the world?

What am I doing? Why do I have to write so many papers? Why do they require so many pages for so many papers?

My brain has stopped functioning...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

November 9, 2006, 9:43pm

It's heart-breaking to read about the suicide of the HKUST fresh graduate. I can picture how the spots news reporters were waiting, taking pictures, commenting about the student... I can picture how heart-broken the parents were...

I still cannot forget the day when I saw the medical student jumped from the hospital residence. I was among the spots news reporters to take pictures of him and the parents. And to overhear what the mother mourned about in the counseling room though I believe it's unethical.

I was out to complete my internship. I was on my own. That's news and I had to get information to write a story. All other reporters did that and I was supposed to do the same. You don't need to be critical about journalism practices. You only need to get what other reporters get, write a story, and fill up the page. To be critical can best be valuable in the university. There's no place for critical thinking in the newsroom, at least for a spot news reporter.

I hated the job. I hated the Hong Kong media. I had no support from anywhere. No career counselor. I was working over 12 hours every day. Six days a week. I hated every single second in the two-month internship.

That could be me to find no way out and commit suicide. Whenever I could find time, I was in my heaven, UL (CUHK University Library). I read I don't know how many books on suicides and journalism ethics. That simply cannot be right to listen to what the mother was mourning about when she's in the counseling room. What's the point to wait for a whole day to take a picture of a bloody dead body? What help can you do for the family or the society to write a bloody story?

Why can you not write about the inadequacy in the support system for fresh graduates? It's a huge literature on the student-worker transition. Why can you not write about Durkheim's sociology of suicide? Why can you not write about the theories and risk factors of suicide?

Why someone's personal life such as their online diaries or their love affairs becomes "public interest" suddenly when they commit suicide? What is interesting? Is it not for public interest that reporters investigate the (in)adequate career services for university students? Or at least to provide contact information about where to seek help when they need to?

I cannot be less critical about the Hong Kong media. Tabloid quality.

Monday, November 06, 2006

November 6, 2006, 9:31pm

My knee hurts the whole day since this morning. I began to try Super Feet last Thursday. It's a pad to put in the shoes. The aim is to support the arches so that my legs will be straighter.

Just like any new things to try, my knees and the muscles have to adjust to it... It means pain pain pain. I was carrying two huge folders to my lab and work on my paper. Probably it's too heavy and my knee's hurt all day. :~~

This is really frustrating.

November 6, 2006, 1:10am

My head is spinning... I cannot think anymore... Writing my paper on molecular genetics and personality change the whole day. I don't even know much about molecular genetics but I need to design a study about it...

I don't really know what I'm writing about. I'm seeing stars in the computer screen...

Saturday, November 04, 2006

November 5, 2006, 12:42pm

I was skidding this morning going to Walmart... Very scary. I was going too fast trying to catch the green light... I shouldn't do it next time. Going to Walmart five minutes later is much better than going to the heaven or the hell early.

I'd probably go to hell with my 666 plate.

I did grocery shopping and laundry. I took care of the bank business. I cooked last night. Hopefully I won't have to do too much housework in the next two weeks. I have too much schoolwork to do. I need to stay focused.

My physical therapist said I can go to the gym two times a week, instead of three times. I negotiated with her. This is too much time this time of the semester. She said it's better that I go two times, than stop the training all together.

She also suggested me to try a pain killer, ibuprofen. I got it today in Walmart. So, let's see what's going to happen. I need to find a way to remind myself to take the tablet three times a day.

I'm also trying something called Super Feet. It's a pad to put in the shoes to make my legs straight. Yeah, I feel my legs are different... not sure if they're straight or not. But my legs are tired and painful because the muscles and joints have to adjust to the new posture...

Pain pain pain. It's very frustrating. But my physical therapist is very happy with my progress. Yes, I can lift heavier weights. So, there's improvement. But come on, I don't count those as improvment. I want to be able to walk the steps without pain... I want to be able to hike again. And running...

Was out for hot pot with friends. I ate too much... Oh, it's Chinese style hot pot and home-made. It's so good. I had the Chongqing soup. I ate too many fish balls.

I also got drunk last night. My roommate finished her midterms so we're out to get wine back to the apartment. I'm never a good drinker but I'm getting much worse. I didn't plan to get drunk. I only had a little Bailey's then I was seeing stars. And I slept on the couch until 5:30am...

Enough crazy things before all my deadlines. Got to work very hard in the coming few days.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

November 2, 2006, 8:46pm

I was having nightmares again. I couldn't wake up this morning. Was mourning... I had pain all over. My chest, my shoulders, my back...

I don't remember anything in the dream. I only remember I saw my mother's face. That's all. And I was so very afraid and shocked...

Yesterday, I was feeling very jealous hearing people about how happy their childhood was... I was not sad. I was angry about nothing. I was not angry about my parents or myself. I was not angry about those people I was hearing about the stories. I was just jealous. I was angry because I couldn't do anything about it.

Sure it's fine other people have a happy experience. I don't want more people to have sick parents like mine. I also believe there're people suffering even worse childhood.

I don't have a happy experience and I cannot change my past. I cannot change my parents either. It's not like that if I'm jealous about other people having a nice car or a nice house, I can plan about it, save up money, and buy a nice car and a nice house if I really want it.

I cannot go shopping, pick the parents I like, pack them in a box, pay, and take them home. I don't have a childhood and I don't have sensible parents. I can never have one. I hate it.

I need to find a way to stop this. This is making me sick.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

November 1, 2006, 9:53pm

So, this is me and Emma in a Halloween party last Friday. Emma is a friend's two-year-old butterfly fairy. :)

I didn't go to any party yesterday. Was out with two Hong Kong friends for Fondue, Italian hot pot. It was so good... Yeah, lobsters... then I got allergy. I don't feel right the whole day today...

The other end of the Earth