November 2, 2006, 8:46pm

I was having nightmares again. I couldn't wake up this morning. Was mourning... I had pain all over. My chest, my shoulders, my back...

I don't remember anything in the dream. I only remember I saw my mother's face. That's all. And I was so very afraid and shocked...

Yesterday, I was feeling very jealous hearing people about how happy their childhood was... I was not sad. I was angry about nothing. I was not angry about my parents or myself. I was not angry about those people I was hearing about the stories. I was just jealous. I was angry because I couldn't do anything about it.

Sure it's fine other people have a happy experience. I don't want more people to have sick parents like mine. I also believe there're people suffering even worse childhood.

I don't have a happy experience and I cannot change my past. I cannot change my parents either. It's not like that if I'm jealous about other people having a nice car or a nice house, I can plan about it, save up money, and buy a nice car and a nice house if I really want it.

I cannot go shopping, pick the parents I like, pack them in a box, pay, and take them home. I don't have a childhood and I don't have sensible parents. I can never have one. I hate it.

I need to find a way to stop this. This is making me sick.