July 31, 2007, 9:22pm

I have M!!!

July 30, 2007, 10:12pm

Got very irritated by a fly last Friday night. No sleep at all. It was buzzing at my ear and walking on my face the whole night. No way to get it out of my bedroom.

Got very tired after the early morning construction class. Tried to take a nap Saturday afternoon but the fly was disturbing me again.

Got a box of fly tapes from Walmart Sunday. No use. The fly won't go up there and got stuck.

So, I cleaned the apartment with bleach upside down, inside out. At least that stupid fly is not going to eat sh-t, then walk on my face!

***

Had a weird dream this morning. I was dead. I knew I was dead because other people couldn't see me. I couldn't manipulate things either, say, to hold a cup etc.

I also knew I would disappear completely in three days. That is, I wouldn't even be able to see the world again. I would not exist anymore. I decided that I wanted to see things that I hadn't seen before.

Then got very anxious about not having enough time to see whatever I wanted to see. And woke up.

I must be getting too involved in my advisor's experiments...

July 27, 2007, 1am

So, I've registered to go camping next weekend.

My first time in life~~~ :D

***


Made a little craft for a colleague. She's going to work in the graduate school.

Looks so very much like children's artwork. :P

July 22, 2007, 10:01pm

Went boating today. Was out in the sun the whole day. Got so tanned...

My friend let me drive his boat for a while. His wife did water skiing. Feeling like, this is not real. Why am I doing this? Who am I? Only superstars like Leon Lai, Jacky Chan... do these things in the movies. Or you'll have to be a billionaire to own a boat in Hong Kong.

Now, I'm doing it. This is unreal...

July 21, 2007, 9:14pm

This is the biggest Rodeo in the country. Cowboys and cowgirls come from all over the country and beyond to ride the bulls and tie the calves.

Other than the cowboy show, basically, it's all about selling souvenirs. People also dress up to take a picture in the cowboy outfits.

Seeing handbags, T-shirts, etc hanging in the booths for sale make me feel like I was shopping in Mong Kok. The handbags, leather coats etc are not particularly stylish in my opinion.

Seriously, if I really bought a handbag like this and walked around in Mong Kok, who would even think the handbag actually came from Wyoming and not Mong Kok?

The Native American dances are more appealing to me than the cowboy stuff. Well, yes, OK, cowboys are brave people confronting the dangerous animals. But it's not pleasant to see them risking their lives to ride a bull. I am scared to see blood.

July 20, 2007, 10:31pm

Had a very strange dream. Well, not exactly like nightmares, it's not as shocking. Anyways, it's still unpleasant.

It was mom and my brother. Then, I saw a spaceship with aliens coming from outside the window. They're aggressive and I was running. I didn't even question how come I could run in the dream. Come on, my knees won't run.

Anyways, the apartment was huge and I was trying to escape from the aliens. They're green and skinny creatures with big eyes. Somehow my brother appeared somewhere when I was trying to hide. Seems like I wanted to escape from him too.

What does this mean? I don't think I'll be able to have a nice dream about having a good dinner with my family... It's never nice to even see them in my dreams or nightmares.

When will my nightmares and unpleasant dreams end?

July 19, 2007, 6:58pm

I've signed up a Habitat for Humanity class to learn painting the wall, making the ceiling etc. I will make my dream come true.

Psychological carpenter.

July 15, 2007, 5:55pm

Preparing for next week... So, got to do all the laundry that has accumulated. Got to go grocery shopping. Got to cook...

Made some Scottish scones... I'm making adobo right now. It's the Philippino chicken dish I learnt from Bryce's wife.

Cooking is enjoyable if it's more than just feeding myself. Learning new dishes is where the fun is. :)

July 14, 2007, 7:31pm

Just registered as a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Let's see what's going to happen. :)

http://www.fortcollinshabitat.org/

July 14, 2007, 5:42pm

Bryce always gives me inspirations... if not questions that I need to spend a life's time to find the answer.

What do I want to do in my life? What's next about my PhD? What's next when I retire?

Seriously, I want to be a carpenter. I want to be like Bert, sawing wood, making little things... I want to be able to make furniture, fix the window...

I said I wanted to be a psychological carpenter, jokingly, when I was sawing wood in Scotland.

And Bryce actually built his house. Maybe I can do it too, someday.

So, to begin with, I got this book. Got to find out where to take a woodwork course to start.

July 14, 2007, 5:39pm, Mountain Time

Got four bargain books from the OSU bookstore. This is a great one. :)



Just found out it has a second edition.

July 13, 2007, 9:11am, Pacific Time

So, I'm leaving OSU this afternoon.

I can be richer, healthier, and I can have more friends, more achievements. I can also go to more places.

But I feel like I cannot be happier. Life is wonderful. :)

July 12, 2007, 8:44pm, Pacific Time

This is a remarkable day. I have just realized that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. It explains why she's doing all these crazy things to me all my life.

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/narcissisticpd.htm

I was reading leisurely in the library, after the very intensive four-day statistics workshop. Somehow I thought about my mom's lacking empathy might be similar to the narcissistic personality disorder.

She met quite a lot of the nine criteria. Lacking empathy, jealous, exploitative... Probably I have been threatening her vulnerable self-esteem with all my achievements. Well, I'm just goal-oriented and I want to achieve. For a long time I also wanted to please her by getting good grades etc. It simply didn't please her at all and I was left to wonder why.

The sky looks even brighter with my discovery. Looks like I got an answer. Finally. Got to move on.

My next phase in my life has begun today, at the Oregon State University. Hopefully the trauma is now behind.

Will go to Wyoming next Saturday with a group of international students. :)

July 11, 2007, 10:29pm, Pacific Time

All right. The dinner tonight was at a winery. They got more than grapes there. These trees are hazelnuts. Well, hazelnuts obviously don't come from a can... I've just found out. :P

***

I met Karen Hooker~~~ For two years she's the name on a paper that I read a thousand times. Then, she is a walking and smiling person today. I was shaking hands with her.

I am so very happy. :)

July 10, 2007, 7:33pm Pacific Time

Cherries come from the cherry tree. Apples and apricots also come from trees... More specifically, they come from Bryce's trees in the farm.

Wonderful.

***

I have a feeling that Totoro lives up there. Can it not be as mysterious that I'm here?

If a palmist or whatever told me when I was very small, say, 15, that one day I'd be traveling around so much and so often, I'd say he/she was telling lies. This is simply unbelievable.

I went to Admiralty, Causeway Bay etc only when I was 16 or so. And never before. That was almost like a prisoner's life.

***

Had a nightmare last night. Cannot remember any detail of it. Woke up very quickly from the shocking image... though I'm sure I saw mom.

She's a threat all my life. Got to keep her out of my way. I want a free life, not a prisoner's life.

Not sure. But looks like this is an oak tree. I really like it here. It's a lot more green than Colorado.

Trees here are so much bigger but not as big as those monsters as in Florida. They are tall enough to instill awe in me. Yet they're not blocking the sky like those in Florida.

July 9, 2007, 9:04pm Pacific Time

Today is the most exciting day since I left LSE. The workshop is intellectually challenging. People asked very good questions. The statistical techniques are advanced and the software is new for a lot of people.

I love it. I really do. This is how learning should be.

July 5, 2007, 8:03pm

Ten years passed without me realizing. I saw fireworks the first time in my life during the handover, 1997. I remember I was very exhausted after probably 14-hour work in Wen Wei Po. I left the office from Aberdeen and it just happened that it's time for the fireworks.

That was a very tragic summer. I was about to realize my dream to be a journalist. I was in my internship yet I found that I hated almost all aspects of the work. I loved the school work. But I hated all the ugly faces that I saw in all those tycoons and government officials. I hated to see the indifference towards people in car accidents etc. I hated to see the reporters joking about the dead bodies of those who committed suicide.

I hated the heat. I hated the storms. I hated the roasted pigs to celebrate the return to China. I hated censorship. Wen Wei Po did not report anything about the demonstrations against the government.

It was my first waterloo in life. I got into the competitive journalism program. I got the chance to report a historical event. I was about to realize my dream, yet I found out I simply created a dream without any ground. I didn't know how the media functions or malfunctions. I tried it and hated it. I was so lost.

Probably I cannot live without a dream to realize. I'm in the middle of realizing another dream here. I want to be a social/developmental psychologist. I like research. Statistics is difficult but it's within my reach with hard work. I want to work in the university. I found my second dream in the university library when I lost my first. I feel in peace to be surrounded with books and journals in the library.

Even though I was lost, I felt like there's a way. So many people's wisdom and experiences are recorded in these endless shelves of books. I would find out a way from here.

So, here I'm still in graduate school. This is the 4th university at which I have studied and lived already. I can find satisfaction in my work. I feel like I'm growing every single day. I can only expect even more growth in the next 10 years. Hopefully I will be established in my career, in my 5th, 6th... school. :)

July 5, 2007, 12:45am

No Victoria Harbour fireworks to see. Got to at least substitute with the small July 4th fireworks here.

July 4, 2007, 8:32pm

This is my third time to see the double rainbow in my life. Finally, got a picture of it. :)

July 3, 2007, 9:56pm

So, gradually, I'm figuring out how to handle this journey towards my PhD. Basically, I need to get back to the mindset like when I was in high school.

1. Work
2. Stay interested
3. Remain focused no matter what other students or teachers say
4. Fight against other students and teachers when necessary

Memory can be distorted. But this is what I remember about how I got through high school. I liked few students and even fewer teachers there. They didn't work hard themselves. They didn't like me working so hard. They said I was making other students feeling stressed. They said I was crazy for working so hard. In the end, some of them didn't like me because I got into a prestigious university and a competitive program of my choice.

Well, if you want something, you find out the way to realize your goal, you work hard and achieve the goal, how crazy can this be?

If you want something, and you don't work hard. Then you don't get it in the end, who's there to blame?

It was an adverse situation in my high school. Somehow, in CUHK then LSE, I met other high-achieving friends. I met very good professors who were guiding me. I got supportive administrative staff in the department general offices. For sure I got librarians to help...

So, after high school, whenever I felt like I had to fight, I was not alone anymore. I got a team of good friends to fight together. Or at least they're cheering me up.

Getting through a PhD program is very different from getting a bachelor's or a master's. I'm taking courses relevant to the research I want to do. I'm working on research projects that hopefully will lead to my own research program in the future. It's all about me.

I still have very supportive administrative staff and librarians. I'm also lucky enough to have a very supportive and knowledgeable advisor. Yet, I feel like I'm fighting alone. I don't have a team of supportive friends more or less in the same condition of knowing all most nothing.

I fought alone back then in high school. I can fight alone again. For sure, I have a lot more resources to fight compared to the me when I was in high school.

I remember I was very interested in physics and chemistry. I spent hours to get the practice questions right if I got them wrong the first time. I worked, so very hard, by myself.

Somehow, I changed. I didn't like the work as an RA etc in the universities. It's just administrative stuff or very stupid statistics, or even flawed research design. Most supervisors didn't know research and they're doing it. Or I should say, they're pretending they're doing it.

It's no use to work hard. They didn't appreciate because they didn't know much themselves. Other people go up the ladder by shining shoes. They don't need to have much integrity and skills. They just have to stay in the office until 7 or 8pm. Not working though. Presence counts. Not productivity.

I need to get back into the fighting alone mode I had in high school. I know what I want to get. I need to find out who are the helpful people around. I need to ignore those stupid ones. I need to fight and cheer myself up. Aim at what I want to get, and get it.