July 3, 2007, 9:56pm

So, gradually, I'm figuring out how to handle this journey towards my PhD. Basically, I need to get back to the mindset like when I was in high school.

1. Work
2. Stay interested
3. Remain focused no matter what other students or teachers say
4. Fight against other students and teachers when necessary

Memory can be distorted. But this is what I remember about how I got through high school. I liked few students and even fewer teachers there. They didn't work hard themselves. They didn't like me working so hard. They said I was making other students feeling stressed. They said I was crazy for working so hard. In the end, some of them didn't like me because I got into a prestigious university and a competitive program of my choice.

Well, if you want something, you find out the way to realize your goal, you work hard and achieve the goal, how crazy can this be?

If you want something, and you don't work hard. Then you don't get it in the end, who's there to blame?

It was an adverse situation in my high school. Somehow, in CUHK then LSE, I met other high-achieving friends. I met very good professors who were guiding me. I got supportive administrative staff in the department general offices. For sure I got librarians to help...

So, after high school, whenever I felt like I had to fight, I was not alone anymore. I got a team of good friends to fight together. Or at least they're cheering me up.

Getting through a PhD program is very different from getting a bachelor's or a master's. I'm taking courses relevant to the research I want to do. I'm working on research projects that hopefully will lead to my own research program in the future. It's all about me.

I still have very supportive administrative staff and librarians. I'm also lucky enough to have a very supportive and knowledgeable advisor. Yet, I feel like I'm fighting alone. I don't have a team of supportive friends more or less in the same condition of knowing all most nothing.

I fought alone back then in high school. I can fight alone again. For sure, I have a lot more resources to fight compared to the me when I was in high school.

I remember I was very interested in physics and chemistry. I spent hours to get the practice questions right if I got them wrong the first time. I worked, so very hard, by myself.

Somehow, I changed. I didn't like the work as an RA etc in the universities. It's just administrative stuff or very stupid statistics, or even flawed research design. Most supervisors didn't know research and they're doing it. Or I should say, they're pretending they're doing it.

It's no use to work hard. They didn't appreciate because they didn't know much themselves. Other people go up the ladder by shining shoes. They don't need to have much integrity and skills. They just have to stay in the office until 7 or 8pm. Not working though. Presence counts. Not productivity.

I need to get back into the fighting alone mode I had in high school. I know what I want to get. I need to find out who are the helpful people around. I need to ignore those stupid ones. I need to fight and cheer myself up. Aim at what I want to get, and get it.