September 30, 2006, 4:23pm

Seeing may not be believing. A friend took me to go shopping for winter clothes. I got all these stuff... Snow jacket, snow socks, hat, and gloves... How can this be real?

I'm still not sure. I cannot believe I will have a winter that I will need these stuff. This is simply unbelievable. What did I do to make myself end up at this point in life?

What will I end up with? Life is a mystery...

Psyche, I was burning the Australian incense you sent me earlier today. I was thinking, smoke is so beautiful, so unpredictable. I will never know which direction it's going to go.

Anyways, I got to be very cautious to burn incense in my apartment. I don't want to trigger the smoke alarm... Or I will have water spraying from the ceiling. :D

September 30, 2006


So, I had the new plate on my car and got the temporary registration paper off. I got 666, the devil's number!

Well, but the number is pretty good if I think about it in the Chinese way, road road road!

Now, would anyone give me suggestions about NGV? Nancy, the staff at the front desk said, it can be nice, gorgeous, and victory. :)

I took my Japanese friend to grocery shopping this afternoon. She's brave enough to sit in my car. :D

September, 27, 2006, 6:18pm

So, I wrote the letter to mom last week and gave it to my counselor. Today, she asked me to read the letter aloud.

So, I was angry. She said this session was different from the previous sessions. I'm always in control of my emotions and feelings. I will need to learn how to feel my sadness and anger. Or those repressed feelings will express themselves in nightmares.

She also said, I have been hurt all these years. To heal, it's like to heal a physical wound. I cannot just put a bandaid on it to cover it. I need to clean and disinfect the wound... And it can be more painful to go through the healing process...

So, I agreed to begin the disinfection today. Feels like to peel the bandaid off... Pain. And the disgusting wound...

She also said the letter I wrote was very saddening. I don't really feel very sad. It's a lot of anger and tension. She said, it made sense when I was facing all the trauma. If I felt hurt, I was vulnerable. But if I was angry, I had the energy to fight back and survive.

So, maybe I'll have to try to be sad for a while... To peel off the bandaid that's hiding the wound for 29 years. I don't know how I can pour alcohol on my wound... I feel like I cannot survive the pain. But my counselor said I can do it.

I'll try. I don't want to be bothered about my past anymore. Somehow someday, I want to be healed. Then look at the scar and say, I'm healed.

September 25, 2006, 8:49pm

Hey, Psyche, I really need to show off here! I love the mooncake. It's so cute. I'm going to tell my friends about the Mid-Autumn Festival. The sheepskin slippers are really important for the winter. I have had the heater on all the time already. :D

And Natalie, I gave the lanterns to my department head and friends. Sure I kept two for myself, in case I will burn one accidentally. :)

September 25, 2006, 7:08pm

This is my car, my first car ever. :)

OK, I didn't park straight. Please, let me practise more. I was planning to get it registered but the motor vehicle department said I had to do a VIN test to verify the vehicle identity number first. So, I'll have to go and wait again, probably another hour or more.

So, frustrating.

I drove on my own the first time just now. I went to get gas. $$$$$$$$$$$$$

Very scary... Please, I don't want to hit anyone.

September 23, 2006, 10:01pm

I went to the Estes Park to see the Rocky Mountain and the changing colors of the leaves in the fall. So, here's this herd of elks. One elk guy can have a lot of ladies and kids.

It's cloudy and very cold up there. Well, they said it's not yet very cold...

I called it roast duck. Roast duck came to ask for food. Well, it's not allowed to kill them and it's also not allowed to feed them. Anyways, this roast duck probably knows the first rule but not the second. It kept staying with us around the picnic table.

It's very beautiful up there. Probably it will be even better if it's sunny and not as cold. Anyways, I still think Mountain of Heaven and Lake of Heaven in Urumqi is more beautiful. It's not just about the snowy mountains or the lakes.

The people living in that part of China are very tough to survive the extreme weather with limited resources. Many ethnic minorities are still nomads. But here, they have almost everything. It's a comfortable life here, mostly for the rich and retired.

September 23, 2006, 11:06am

I was in the gym with Dao. My physical therapist said I can ride the bike without resistance. So, I began riding the bike since last Saturday. I'm just real happy to be allowed to go to the gym again. Oh, I don't know how long I didn't play any sports. It's always the painful exercises to train my knees.

She said I should not swim with the breaststroke... Well, then, the swimming classes clash with all my classes this semester. So, before I can take the swimming classes to learn freestyle, I'd better stay away from the pool.

It's getting really cold... So, I'll get my car tomorrow at noon. Then I will need to find someone to help me practise driving. I cannot entertain the thought that I will need to stand in the snow waiting for the bus.

Septmber 22, 2006, 3:06pm

I didn't sleep until 4am last night. I'm just exhausted right now. I was preparing for the waiver test. I didn't want to take another regression class and was planning to test it out.

Well, I know half of the materials covered in the exam. So, probably I cannot pass. Not that I didn't study enough but my previous class didn't cover those topics or formula. So, I will have to graduate later... :(

Then, it's the frustration from the Fridya seminar, again. I wonder how they can be so innovative to find ways to waste my time.

Today, students were asked to discuss in groups which books may be of interested to the fellow students from a full box of book jackets that's accumulated for years and is about to send to the trash.

I didn't make that up. She said that. She said she's going to throw the book jackets away. Those book jackets are from books that are already in the library. So, come on, if you need a book for your work, why wouldn't you search in the library catelogue?

I just cannot figure out how I can read a book jacket to decide if it is useful to other students. I don't really know what others are doing, or if they are doing anything at al. And I suppose I would at least need to read the content page to decide if the book is useful to me.

September 20, 2006, 11:04pm

My counselor made me Turkish coffee. :D

September 20, 2006, 1:18am

Just back doing laundry... Didn't do anything for 2.5 weeks.

I'll have an exam this Friday. To prepare the exam means I'll have to prepare food first. Then clean all the stuff. Only then I will have time to study from tomorrow.

I've also made dong guei soup. :)

September 18, 2006, 1:44am

So, I have decided to put the picture I took with Irene at Stanford Psychology on my desktop. This is where I'm going to go. I will not be stuck in this stupid small town too long. I will get my degree and go for a better place asap.

One day, I'll have my office and my lab in Jordan Hall, Stanford.

September 17, 2006, 1:36pm

I will go to a better school. I won't be stuck there. I don't want to be like anyone of them, to tell the graduate students, "If I am on my own without my family, I won't round up here," "Many faculties here have the quality to be in Stanford, they just choose to be here," "We are better than Stanford and Harvard. We are family-friendly. Those schools are not."

I don't think Stanford or Harvard would waste one hour in the seminar trying to convince their students that they are better than other schools because they have better research quality. Or that the faculties would say they are there in Stanford or Harvard because of the research facilities and quality. I won't imagine any of them to say, "If I have my family, I won't round up here in Stanford."

Many Stanford faculties have a "family" too. What is a family? Kids? Is that what you know about?

My LSE professors have a "family" too, both the conventional version and non-conventional version. My LSE advisor is bisexual.

Nothing will be able to restrain me. If I can get to CUHK then LSE from unreputable schools, I'm sure I will go to Stanford some day.

September 15, 2006, 11:58pm

I saw a double rainbow when I finally got out of the lab at 5:30pm. Yes, it's the real rainbow, not the icecream. It's dark half of the sky but the sky was shining from the west. There's also thunder and I was a little wet.

It's a sharp semi-circle, with violet in the bottom and red at the top. Then there's another but less sharp semi-circle rainbow above this sharp rainbow. The spectrum of the rainbow above is in reverse order of that of the rainbow below.

How come I didn't bring my camera. It's such a wonderful natural beauty.

September 13, 2006, 3:37pm

I'm not sure if I'm finding evidence to confirm my prejudice against the US. But hey, they make prisoners to work, for example, make furniture, then they sell the furniture to the state university.

I volunteered for the Prisoners' Friends' Association in Hong Kong. Yes, prisoners work to earn very little wages. They wash hospital bed sheets and clothes. They iron the physicians' gowns. But hey, what Hong Kong prisoners make cannot be sold. Everything prisoners made is free and can only be used in the Hong Kong government and related organizations.

Here in the US, they have death sentence. They go to war. Now, I just found out prisoners work to earn pennies yet what they made are sold at a relatively high price. This is barbarian. This is exploitation.

I have to go back to London one day. I don't want to be here.

September 13, 2006, 2:06am

Five years today, I was in London. Some day I will go back!

My counselor said I need to know to experience my feelings. I block away my negative emotions all the time. My feelings are repressed that's why I have all the intense nightmares. I only express my feelings in dreams where I feel safe to do so. I just have too many excuses not to show my emotions in reality.

So, the first task is to write a letter. To pretend that I'm writing a letter to mom. I don't know. I have been rather obsessed today thinking about this letter. I haven't written even a word yet. I think I may not be able to stop once I begin writing... I have a proposal due this Thursday. I need to revise my first year project... I also need to take the second statistics exam next Friday...

September 11, 2006, 12:06am

What the hell did I do to my knees that would justify all these tortures I'm having?

I'm doing my daily physical therapy. This iliotibial band massage is killing me. And I couldn't go hiking! The internation group was going to the Horsetooth last Friday for the night scene of this small city.

Hell to the pain.

September 10, 2006, 12:13am

It's just too much fun today.

I went to the mechanics to check another car. The brake has to be replaced. So, if the owner won't fix it, I won't buy it. I'll just continue looking.

Chikayo, a Japanese friend, made sushi for Rebecca and me this evening. It's so good! The rice was so smooth and sweet. The tuna and crab meat were also amazingly good. I was stuffing myself.

I made soy sauce chicken legs. It's just so easy to make and most people like it. :)

September 7, 2006, 8:55pm

I have m today!

September 6, 2006, 9:15pm

Got a huge big of Thai rice from Denver last Saturday. Just opened the pack, oh, Thai rice really has the fragrance that other rice doesn't have. That's probably why it's called the Thai fragrant rice.

Oh, haven't had good rice for more than one year already... :~~

September 5, 2006 8:48pm

Well, I'm guessing the Mid-Autumn festival is coming soon... Is there someone who can send me a mooncake and a lantern? Please~~~

Got an email from the CUHK Vice-Chancellor. Just cannot think about what's in these people's head. It's about how many 4A students CUHK is getting this year. Come on, what is CUHK offering for the most talented students?

I went to JLM when the department beat Law and Medicine. The department got the elite students. I still remember in the orientation, which was already 10 year ago, Dr. S said, "JLM is difficult to get in but easy to get out."

What does it mean? He's kind of saying this jokingly. So, students are not expected to work hard?

When I was in the LSE graduation, well, I don't remember who was the chair for the ceremony, he said, "LSE is very difficult to get in. It's even more difficult to get out."

LSE is wonderful. I miss the prestige in LSE. I miss London so much.

September 5, 2006, 12:56am Mountain Time

Let me at least write something before I drop dead in bed.

I'm living in the International House, about 1 mile west of campus. I feel like I'm going back to LSE. I just love the international community.

Chikayo made me Japanese curry this afternoon. Much better than the Sogo stuff. It's freshly made and sent to my kitchen. :D

Dao, a Thai friend, also made me good food 2 weeks ago. I just found out that Thai veggie dishes have more sugar than I would usually put in veggies.

I went to Denver last Saturday with 4 other Chinese students. We went crazy to buy Chinese produce in H-Mart. Well, there's no Chinese grocery store in Fort Collins. H-Mart is actually Korean-owned. Anyways I can find Lee Kam Kee there, which is the ulmost important.

So far, I'm having a great time. I just passed a statistics waiver exam last Friday. Will have the second one to do before September 23.

I'm also doing physical therapy here. Anne, my PT, is wonderfully wonderful. The massage hurts me a lot though. But she said hopefully it's good for me. Well, I hope...