March 30, 2007, 8:17pm

Very frustrating. What am I going to do with all these regression analyses?

March 28, 2007, 12:02am

This is through the same window and the same perspective. But things have changed a lot since spring came. It only took the grass a week to turn green and the trees are beginning to have new leaves.

It's a feeling of life everywhere. :)

I finally have a feeling that I'm recovering from the trauma. The tough times are gone, at least temporarily.

I'm getting enough sleep, eating well, and working hard. No sharp pain in my chest. No anger. No fear.

***

Read about the Lau fans in the Hong Kong news. Somehow, some kinds of passion, desires, and persistence are labeled "craziness" or "worthlessness" or "age-inappropriateness."

Well, I have another kind of craziness. I'm becoming 30 and am still in school. I stay in the lab looking at the data and reading papers the whole day in the lab, then do the same in my room until after midnight.

What kind of craziness was it to pay so much for the GRE prep books and taking the tests? What kind of craziness was it to study day and night, even when I was waiting for the bus and being stuck in the MTR?

Somehow, some kinds of passion, desires, and persistence are deemed more legitimate than others. What are the criteria for the standards of worthiness of passion, desires, and persistence?

For the counselor I met before I left HK, going for a PhD was deemed "crazy," "worthless," and "age-inappropriate." I should get married and "give birth to children for my husband."

F--k. I have things I want to do for myself. Why would I have to worry about a "husband" that did not and does not and may not ever exist?

If I really look into what I'm actually doing to finish my PhD program, maybe more people will say this is "crazy" and "worthless." Who cares the questions that I'm asking and looking for the way for an answer? A few in the academia.

But the human society needs "crazy" people who made wooden wings to put on their backs and jumped off the cliff.

March 26, 2007, 8:24pm

Got to finish my research proposal within this week. Then I can submit for ethical approval...

Was dreaming about my research question last night... Sucks, my dream said the question doesn't work...

I'll find a way to make it work.

Want to look at psychological well-being in the adult lifespan, controlling socioeconomic status. Yes, I want to combine psychology and sociology. What I learnt in my master's degree is still hanging in there.

March 24, 2007, 8:26pm

It's been raining for two days. Haven't seen rain for ages. It was always snow. :)

Drove to Walmart and all that. So, now I can drive in the rain. Need to feel how it's like to brake in the rain.

Really need to do better switching lanes before I can go on the highway...

March 24, 2007, 12:54am

Finally done with Tokyo Tower.

http://wwwz.fujitv.co.jp/tokyo-tower/index2.html

Asked a Japanese friend to translate the lyrics for me this afternoon. Leanne, she said your Japanese is good. :)

1. Got to take care of my health. I don't want to die too soon.
2. Always wonder how it's like by the time I die since I visited the cemetries in London.
3. I like the London style, to have all those heartbreakingly touching words on the grave stone. I like the American style. Just burn me and spread the ashes. I also like the Chinese style. It feels good that visiting my grave is a reason for the family to get together.

I don't know who will take care of my grave. Hopefully, there will be someone. I want to know what words will be on my grave stone before I die. If those words are written for me, I want to know what they want to say about me.

I want a grave, the London style. With benches and flowers beside me. So that strangers and families can come, sit down, and relax.

The Chinese style is good, to set a day in the calendar to visit me. Just too bad that the Chinese graves don't have any designated place that people can sit comfortably around me.

But don't expect me to lie there. I want my ashes to fly everywhere.

March 22, 2007, 11:24pm

Sucks. Was having a nightmare this morning...

So, my brother had liver cancer and died. No one told me about this. I knew only when he's dead. Come on, I know a HKU professor working on new technology to treat liver cancer.

I was angry and frustrated, as in real life. This is crazy. Why am I left out? Why can't they look for resources and help themselves?

My brother hurt his thumb and was in the hospital for two days during SARS. He said he wanted to go to the hospital the first night he's back. It's around 2am. Prince of Wales was closed so I called Nethersole. The EM in Nethersole was in service. So, I gave him money and asked him to take a taxi and go.

My mother said, no, it's far away.

Sucks. So, he didn't go.

How far is it to go to Tai Po from Sha Tin? 20 minutes!

Sucks. Why do I bother about them? They're hopeless.

March 21, 2007, 11:39pm

My head is spinning. Have been working on literature review and the hypotheses for the statistics final project. This assignment will be related to a research proposal for another class and my dissertation.

I want to study socio-economic status and psychological well-being across the adult lifespan. This is the project I have been ruminating since 1997 when I was an intern reporter. I wanted to do psychological well-being in older adults. Then I wanted to add socio-economic status since when I was at LSE. Finally, I wanted to study the adult lifespan, instead of focusing on older adults, since when I was in Florida.

And now, I'm beginning to work on this project. It took me a long time to reach this point. With a dissertation topic in mind, I feel like I'm close to finishing my dissertation. So, I'm closer to graduation. :)

Three more years to go...

***

Have been reading this book. Got some practical tips on how to generate and maintain the motivation to write. Sort of like how to beat myself up to achieve goals and reward myself when goals are achieved.

March 20, 2007, 11:59pm

Was struggling with statistics, thinking about what regression to use to test my hypotheses... Then this stupid bank called six times...

I rarely pick up the apartment phone because either it's automated sales calls or it's wrong number... But this stupid bank called again and again...

So, they're trying to talk me into an identity theft protection plan, $79.99 every month!

These banks are highly likely to be involved in these frauds. If I were the CEOs of the banks, I'd like to make these crime rates to climb.

Then my thoughts were totally disturbed... Still loads of works before I can formulate the hypothese and find out how to test them... I was so angry and my roommate treated me with Haagen-Dazs. :)

March 19, 2007, 10:58pm

Just read that the hormones released during stressful periods cause atrophy in the hippocampus... My goodness. Does it mean that the brain cells in the hippocampus die during stress?

I will not go back to my family. I cannot risk my brain cells again. Brain cells die and they die. They cannot regenerate.

Decided.

March 18, 2007, 11:10pm

Sat in front of the computer since 11:00am.

1. Worked out the writing schedule in the coming week.
2. Wrote most of the conclusion of my first-year project.

***
Went to Loveland for the outlets yesterday. Shopping was fun with friends. Got to buy stuff to make me look like a professional psychologist and not a poor graduate student. $$$

It's 40-minute drive one way. So, I was dead in bed after that. Driving anxiety and knee pain from pressing the brake and gas.

***
Had a nightmare. It's my mother yelling to me. Forgot the details. Anyways, the nightmares are getting less intensive than before. Still horrible but I didn't wake up with as much tension. At least I could sleep again and couldn't remember the details.

***
Got to sleep. Need to meet two professors tomorrow. Hopefully they will serve in my graduate committee. Got to make a good impression.

March 16, 2007, 1:39am

Just joined AAA, the roadside assistance program.

I've realized that I need a feeling of security, that when an accident happens, I need immediate help at times. What if I broke the car key elsewhere and not in the parking lot at my apartment?

March 14, 2007, 5:53pm

It's just spring, only 55F... 12.8C. But I'm here sweating. Must be buried in snow for too long...

Wonder how summer is like here...

March 13, 2007, 9:12pm

Time to show off after all the trauma... My friend made me a riceball last Sunday...

And okonomiyaki...

In two different styles. :)

I always wonder why restaurants sell sushi and not riceball. My friend said riceball is easy to make so people make it at home.

That's why Japanese TV and comics always have rice balls. Moms make riceballs.

Need to find out where to buy the roasted salmon powder. This is the stuffing for riceballs...

March 12, 2007, 9:45pm

So, this thing really cost some money to get it out...

March 11, 2007, 1:02pm

This sounds unreal... I didn't want to drive at night. So, my friend said she can drive my car. Her insurance covers that...

But then she broke my car key. The broken end is stuck in the key hole. So there's no way to start the car...

Got to find out how to fix it. Have little idea who to go to...

Probably "tai sui" is beginning his work. I just wonder why Chinese horoscope is so ridiculous. How come people born in the same year are having conflict with "tai sui." What is tai sui? What kind of gods tai suis are? How come they are conflicted? I didn't initiate any conflict with any of them. I just happen to be born some point in time.

How can a humble human being conflict a god? What did I do? Just because I was born? That's ridiculous. I was just a sperm and an egg. I didn't produce these two cells. The two cells happened to meet then some how I turned into a ball of cells. I didn't even have consciousness until my brain was developed. And what did I do when I was born? I was simply breathing! What conflict can that be. So, tai sui, did I conflict you because I took a breath when I was born? Nonsense.

These Chinese god stories are just ridiculous. Gods don't do good to people and they worry about people confronting them. What can I do as a human being to harm them? And now if tai sui exists, I'm blamed for conflicting them in the first place that's why I'm having bad luck. Come on, give me a reason how I am having conflicts with tai sui.

Damn it. Tai sui, you listen. You gave me a horrible time when I was 24. I was not beaten. I will fight again. And tai sui, you tell me what you do as a god. What good do you ever do? If there's any conflict, let me know. Be open. Talk about it. Negotiate.

You suck if you give me bad luck just because you have the power to do this. What sort of a god you are as tai sui? What you do is to give people bad luck because you think they're having conflict with you? You don't even try to reconcile. I don't even know what I did to make you feel violated.

Did I put a plane into a skyscraper in your city? Then you started a war against me? I don't even know what I can do to harm you! Tai sui, you're crazy. You have a personality disorder. You just happen to do people harm. You are anti-social. You have conduct disorder. You are a psychopath.

Then you select a group of people based on their year of birth. You label them as the people violating you, just because they're born in a particular year. You justify your crazy behaviors to give people bad luck. Some serial murderers kill people with particular characteristics and may believe these people deserve to die too.

You suck. Any life got to begin with a birth. This is worst than having the snake to tempt Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of wisdom. At least they actually did something. At least there's a choice to eat and not to eat.

For you, tai sui, there's no choice at all. Even a fetus has his or her brain developed normally cannot control whether he or she can be born safely. Once I'm born, I'm bound to violate a tai sui simply because I was born.

You suck. Either you need to try counseling, or you should be put in jail. How come there can be gods doing harm to people every year?

You will not fail me.

March 9, 2007, 9:20am

Caught a cold... finally. Was dead in bed since 8pm... Headache...

Had nightmares for two nights... It's mom last night and it's my brother the night before.

I don't know why but she's in my car... Then she broke the key place and the car wouldn't start. Then she blamed me for whatever and it's nothing of her responsibility.

OK, this is just the usual her in reality. Nothing is her responsibility. And it's all me to blame. I haven't had such tension for a long time. I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache... Feeling the tension and stress...

Well, it's great here. It's quiet and peaceful. She's no where close. I really don't understand how I could have survived all those years tolerating her and living such a traumatic life moment by moment.

It's my brother the night before. He shared the same room with me... It's a crazy time. I was threatened just with his presence. He used my computer to get on the pornographic sites... until my computer wouldn't work from getting viruses. He put Japanese pornographic comic books under my desk...

I never felt safe. It's always a threat of sexual attack. And my computer might be broken from time to time...

What a hell.

March 6, 2007, 11:34am

To do list to get through this semester:
1. Gerotological Society of America abstract submission (March 15)
2. Statistics mid-term (March 7)
3. Statistics final project (April 27)
4. Statistics final project presentation (April 30/May 2)
5. Statistics lab final (April 19)
6. Proposal on psychological well-being (May 3)
7. Seminar presentation (April 2)
8. Graduate committee formation (April - May)
9. Research statement (May)
10. Statistics assignments (Various)
11. RA work

Feels better to list them out... At least I don't have the anxiety that it's an endless list...

March 3, 2007, 6:50pm

What am I doing the whole day? Tax filing! Just realized that I didn't receive any tax document from the University of Florida... Headache...

March 3, 2007, 4:27pm

Went to the gym, went grocery shopping, gave gas and air to my car... Then my day is almost over!

I miss the time when grocery shopping means a 2-minute walk. Or just jumping on and off the bus... No worry about car insurance, maintenance, gas, air, parking...