December 31, 2006, 10:31am

OK, time to review my new year goal in 2006 and set up new goals for 2007. :)

From 2006:
1. Driving -- I got my license on July 14 and bought my first car on September 20. Sure I began having auto insurance and paying for maintanence and gas...
2. Swimming -- I learnt swimming (breaststroke) suddenly in June... after practising in the small pool for two days in Tanglewood.
3. As in all coursework -- Achieved... and beginning to wonder why I want to get an A even for those stupid classes...
4. Master's research -- About done... give me two more weeks...
5. Teaching -- Did one guest lecture on adolescence and school.
6. My knees -- Generally better, just not when I was traveling in California. And not when I'm here walking on snow and digging out my car.
7. Maintain health in general -- I made soup at least once a week!
8. Figure out what I can do about my memories of my terrible childhood and young adulthood -- Nightmares are getting much less frequent. The memories will be there unless I get dementia. So, I will try to look at my childhood positively.
9. Figure out what the options about my family are -- 1. Ignore them, 2. Go back, 3. Maintain a loose relationship. It's not an urgent need to worry about which option to take. I still have three years to go here.

For 2007:
1. Driving -- Get on highway! Have more practice driving in snow
2. Swimming -- Find a class to learn freestyle
3. As in all coursework
4. More research work in the lab
5. I don't want to do teaching. Maybe I'll give a guest lecture or join a discussion panel in class
6. My knees -- Regular exercises in the gym
7. Health -- Make soup
8. Childhood memories -- Put trust in how adversities make me strong
9. Family -- Observe friends how they make a family
10. Maintain good spirit at work -- Time to get up from the fall in those dark three years. No self-pitying or self-blaming anymore
11. Travel -- Scotland

December 30, 2006, 10:08am

So, have they got the massive destructive weapon?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6218485.stm

December 28, 2006

It snows again... I'm expecting 7-11 inches on top of the two-feet snow...

BTW, I got myself a new year present. It's a bargain book in the university bookstore. :)



I like to study ancient civilizations for years. I got a collection in Hong Kong. That's one reason I went to Greece, Egypt, and the northwest part of China. :)

December 28, 2006, 2:30pm

I'm trapped in my room long enough so I got this chance to see the Canadian geese so close. They're right outside my window this morning.

They're here around for at least two months already... leaving footprints and droppings everywhere. Well, my car is not exempted.

December 27, 2006, 9:39pm

Almost forgot. I had a nightmare last night. This time is my mother's face. She's shouting at me. Just like the endless times that she's barking. I tried to fight back verbally but nothing works. Nothing can stop her from shouting. All personal attacks. All illogical.

December 27, 2006, 4:46pm

Now, I cannot read Yahoo Hong Kong news. I cannot pay my AIA insurance bill via online banking. Basically, I cannot connect to Hang Seng... So, how are you folks in Hong Kong doing after the earthquake?

I went grocery shopping this morning after hearing that it will have heavy snow again tomorrow. Come on, it is going to add another 7-11 inches on top of the two-feet snow.

Disasters everywhere...

December 24, 2006, 4:25pm

I shoveled for four hours to dig out my car... Now, my knees and back hurt.

I've decided that I don't want to make any snowman. I've got enough with snow. I was so anxious when it snowed for 5 minutes just now... Come on, I thought I'm just done with shoveling and it snows again?

December 22, 2006, 4:41pm

This is my first time to shovel snow. My professor is out of town and I have promised to help her watch out for her house.

Everyone has to clear the snow on the sidewalk outside their house within 24-48 hours when the snow stops. So, I went shovelling.

It's just so stupid. I forgot to bring her key. So I will have to walk almost one hour to her house again tomorrow and check if everything's OK.

I put her key in my car. I thought it's a good plan... I didn't think I would go to her house without my car... My back really hurts after shovelling.

December 21, 2006, 6:10pm

It took me two hours to clear the snow around my car. I still cannot move my car. All I did was to remove the snow sticking around the car. Or it will become a huge block of ice and I will be totally stuck.

Now, my back and knees hurt so much...

December 21, 2006, 10:33am

So, the snow finally stopped. It's up to my knees. :)

There's no way to get out. All the cars are stuck in the parking lot.

It was very windy, up to 30 mph. So the snow is not evenly covering the cars. :)

I don't remember exactly the Greek myth about the four seasons. I think it's a goddess being sad and angry that she has to be separated from her daughter in the winter... Or who can be so mad to put so much snow on earth...

December 20, 2006, 11:13pm

No sign of stopping...

This is for sure more than two feet...

December 20, 2006, 6:04pm

See if I can post the clips here...


4pm


6pm

December 20, 2006, 11:51am

I think I've got 6 inches just this morning. I hope the snow will stop somehow. I want to build my first snowman. :)

December 20, 2006, 10:33am

Just found out I cannot upload videos here. But I don't want to upload my snowstorm clip in youtube now. Got to work on my paper first...

I've tried several times already but the picture cannot capture the storming snow... I feel like it's typhoon no. 10 here... Anyways, let me find time to upload the clip in youtube this evening...

A crowd of birds came hiding right under my window. It's only 25F outside. It's just amazing how they can be out there. :)

December 17, 2006, 9:26pm

It snows again... I drove to a friend's apartment for a party. Then I was staying and simply didn't want to come back until the snow finally stopped.

I'll also have to go to a professor's house to sweep the snow on the sidewalk tomorrow. She asked me to help when she's gone in the break. Or the city will give her a fine if there's snow staying on the sidewalk for more than 24 hours.

I really don't like snow. My knees hurt a lot for days already.

December 14, 2006, 8:54am

I'm done! I hate that personality class. So, finally, my first semester here is over!!!

I bought myself a new pair of shoes as reward. My first pair of Nike! I always like Adidas the best. Anyways, I got a pair of running shoes so I can work out to strengthen my knee muscles.

I'm not going to lose any shoes in my life anymore. This is far too much. I lost two pairs in Egypt. Got them stolen. I swear, I won't lose my shoes again!

December 12, 2006, 7:06pm

So, I'm losing my mind in the exam week. I lost my shoes so no gym for more than a week already. A friend will leave tomorrow. She has decided to quit graduate school.

So much to lose in one week...

December 6, 2006, 8:53pm

I went home at 4:30pm then dropped dead in bed. I was so exhausted after seeing my counselor. I felt like being beaten up...

She asked me the goal and purpose to have counseling. And I don't know. So, then, what is my purpose in life? What do I want to become? I don't know...

I said it's good to have a scheduled meeting. So if I don't show up, and if I die, at least she will notice, if no one else.

She asked why I feel that way, if I have friends, and if I am lonely. I have friends. I have socials with friends and don't have time for more. I don't feel lonely... I actually feel very occupied having too many friends around...

Well, but then when I think about it after seeing her, yes, I feel lonely. Not that I don't have people around me. But I'm being protective. I don't want to be very close with people. So, in a way, I'm lonely even when I have friends around. I have the fear of being hurt.

Then, I think I know what I want too... Just by saying that I don't know, it avoids the possibility of failure. I have been telling myself I don't know what I want for too long. If I don't know what I want, how can I end up here?

I want to do top reseach, the quality of research I saw at LSE. I hate the Hong Kong universities so much. The professors had little clue what they were doing. They didn't know anything about research design or statistics. Some even didn't have SPSS in their computer. And that paranoid stupid lady even accused me for giving her SPSS output without telling her what to read.

Sucks, all sucks. No point to be a slave for those stupid heads with no brain and no knowledge in statistics. They didn't blame themselves for being incompetent. She blamed me for not assisting her to interpret the output. Come on, how come you don't know in the first place?

Then, it's like when I get out of hell, from those stupid Hong Kong professors (I must say, not all of them, but most of them) and my family, I don't know where to head to. Now, I don't have to worry about my family, but I don't know what to do. No daily struggle with nonsense arguments anymore. I have a relatively peace of mind. But I let all those struggles to stay in my memory and I continue to struggle with my family in my head.

Then, I let myself to be trapped in a similar state of confusion. I don't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle my family when I was with them. Now, I didn't know what to do with my memory of them. Why would I have so many unknowns? It's like I'm used to be in a state of confusion and I let myself drill in it.

I got to wake up. It's already 1.5 years I left Hong Kong. No point to stay in confusion anymore. I know what I want. I have lost a lot of confidence and self-respect living with my family who's always creating faults in me. I need to get back my self-esteem.

For so many years I know what I want and I get what I want. I have accomplishments. I can do the same in the coming years. I should stop self-defeating and begin working on what I want, instead of deceiving myself that I don't know what I want.

Let me set out my goals in counseling.

1. To learn self-love.
2. To recognize my strength for surviving my horrible childhood and early adulthood.
3. To be positive about my relationship with my family. To believe that my past does not damage me. And don't let the past hinder my future growth. I come out strong from adversities.
4. To recognize my fear thinking about the possibility of seeing my family again. They are my enemies for so long. And my memories of them become my own enemies. I have the intensive fear of being hurt though I don't want to recognize that I was hurt.

Twiggy, you're right. An angry person can be vulnerable. It's difficult to change. It is threatening just thinking about to be less protective about myself. But I have only one life. I want to experience the full range of experience. I don't want to regret the day when I leave this world. I don't want to hear myself to say, "I didn't live my life to the full."

I cannot go hiking, snowshoeing, ice-skating, skiing... My knees won't do. But there is always this possibility that my physical therapy will strengthen my knees to the point that I can engage in these activities one day. I still have hope.

I should look at the bright side of the future. I need to recognize the confusion in the future and the dark side of my past. But these shouldn't hinder me from realizing my potentials.

December 5, 2006, 10:22pm

I was trying to be sad for a while last night. I didn't have anything to be sad about in particular. Just that I had an online chat with Twiggy some days ago and she said my anger is preventing me from experiencing the full spectrum of emotions.

It didn't work. I played some sad music but I fell asleep right away. I had some dreams about my high school but I didn’t remember anything. I only remember seeing some faces. That's all. Nothing sad, nothing special.

This is strange. I can be sad reading a novel or watching a movie. But whenever I think about my family, I only have anger. I don’t feel sad at all. Or I will be puzzled about what I should do about them.

I don’t know how to begin. How to make myself sad?

December 5, 2006, 9:05pm

Exam... papers...

I'm done with the group counseling this semester. I'm hoping to keep in touch with these people.

Will see my counselor tomorrow. Got to finish my writing assignment about feelings etc... So, what will a counselor do if a client is illiterate? Just curious...

December 3, 2006, 10:39pm

My roommate had a car accident last night. She's fine but her friend was injured in the head and the arm.

Seems like a car accident is a must-try experience in the US. It's very dangerous to drive right now. It's snow and ice everywhere.

December 1, 2006, 8:12pm

Whenever I walk on the snow, I think about Mao's long march...

My knees hurt walking on snow...

I'm having a headache...