December 31, 2006, 10:31am

OK, time to review my new year goal in 2006 and set up new goals for 2007. :)

From 2006:
1. Driving -- I got my license on July 14 and bought my first car on September 20. Sure I began having auto insurance and paying for maintanence and gas...
2. Swimming -- I learnt swimming (breaststroke) suddenly in June... after practising in the small pool for two days in Tanglewood.
3. As in all coursework -- Achieved... and beginning to wonder why I want to get an A even for those stupid classes...
4. Master's research -- About done... give me two more weeks...
5. Teaching -- Did one guest lecture on adolescence and school.
6. My knees -- Generally better, just not when I was traveling in California. And not when I'm here walking on snow and digging out my car.
7. Maintain health in general -- I made soup at least once a week!
8. Figure out what I can do about my memories of my terrible childhood and young adulthood -- Nightmares are getting much less frequent. The memories will be there unless I get dementia. So, I will try to look at my childhood positively.
9. Figure out what the options about my family are -- 1. Ignore them, 2. Go back, 3. Maintain a loose relationship. It's not an urgent need to worry about which option to take. I still have three years to go here.

For 2007:
1. Driving -- Get on highway! Have more practice driving in snow
2. Swimming -- Find a class to learn freestyle
3. As in all coursework
4. More research work in the lab
5. I don't want to do teaching. Maybe I'll give a guest lecture or join a discussion panel in class
6. My knees -- Regular exercises in the gym
7. Health -- Make soup
8. Childhood memories -- Put trust in how adversities make me strong
9. Family -- Observe friends how they make a family
10. Maintain good spirit at work -- Time to get up from the fall in those dark three years. No self-pitying or self-blaming anymore
11. Travel -- Scotland

December 30, 2006, 10:08am

So, have they got the massive destructive weapon?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6218485.stm

December 28, 2006

It snows again... I'm expecting 7-11 inches on top of the two-feet snow...

BTW, I got myself a new year present. It's a bargain book in the university bookstore. :)



I like to study ancient civilizations for years. I got a collection in Hong Kong. That's one reason I went to Greece, Egypt, and the northwest part of China. :)

December 28, 2006, 2:30pm

I'm trapped in my room long enough so I got this chance to see the Canadian geese so close. They're right outside my window this morning.

They're here around for at least two months already... leaving footprints and droppings everywhere. Well, my car is not exempted.

December 27, 2006, 9:39pm

Almost forgot. I had a nightmare last night. This time is my mother's face. She's shouting at me. Just like the endless times that she's barking. I tried to fight back verbally but nothing works. Nothing can stop her from shouting. All personal attacks. All illogical.

December 27, 2006, 4:46pm

Now, I cannot read Yahoo Hong Kong news. I cannot pay my AIA insurance bill via online banking. Basically, I cannot connect to Hang Seng... So, how are you folks in Hong Kong doing after the earthquake?

I went grocery shopping this morning after hearing that it will have heavy snow again tomorrow. Come on, it is going to add another 7-11 inches on top of the two-feet snow.

Disasters everywhere...

December 24, 2006, 4:25pm

I shoveled for four hours to dig out my car... Now, my knees and back hurt.

I've decided that I don't want to make any snowman. I've got enough with snow. I was so anxious when it snowed for 5 minutes just now... Come on, I thought I'm just done with shoveling and it snows again?

December 22, 2006, 4:41pm

This is my first time to shovel snow. My professor is out of town and I have promised to help her watch out for her house.

Everyone has to clear the snow on the sidewalk outside their house within 24-48 hours when the snow stops. So, I went shovelling.

It's just so stupid. I forgot to bring her key. So I will have to walk almost one hour to her house again tomorrow and check if everything's OK.

I put her key in my car. I thought it's a good plan... I didn't think I would go to her house without my car... My back really hurts after shovelling.

December 21, 2006, 6:10pm

It took me two hours to clear the snow around my car. I still cannot move my car. All I did was to remove the snow sticking around the car. Or it will become a huge block of ice and I will be totally stuck.

Now, my back and knees hurt so much...

December 21, 2006, 10:33am

So, the snow finally stopped. It's up to my knees. :)

There's no way to get out. All the cars are stuck in the parking lot.

It was very windy, up to 30 mph. So the snow is not evenly covering the cars. :)

I don't remember exactly the Greek myth about the four seasons. I think it's a goddess being sad and angry that she has to be separated from her daughter in the winter... Or who can be so mad to put so much snow on earth...

December 20, 2006, 11:13pm

No sign of stopping...

This is for sure more than two feet...

December 20, 2006, 6:04pm

See if I can post the clips here...


4pm


6pm

December 20, 2006, 11:51am

I think I've got 6 inches just this morning. I hope the snow will stop somehow. I want to build my first snowman. :)

December 20, 2006, 10:33am

Just found out I cannot upload videos here. But I don't want to upload my snowstorm clip in youtube now. Got to work on my paper first...

I've tried several times already but the picture cannot capture the storming snow... I feel like it's typhoon no. 10 here... Anyways, let me find time to upload the clip in youtube this evening...

A crowd of birds came hiding right under my window. It's only 25F outside. It's just amazing how they can be out there. :)

December 17, 2006, 9:26pm

It snows again... I drove to a friend's apartment for a party. Then I was staying and simply didn't want to come back until the snow finally stopped.

I'll also have to go to a professor's house to sweep the snow on the sidewalk tomorrow. She asked me to help when she's gone in the break. Or the city will give her a fine if there's snow staying on the sidewalk for more than 24 hours.

I really don't like snow. My knees hurt a lot for days already.

December 14, 2006, 8:54am

I'm done! I hate that personality class. So, finally, my first semester here is over!!!

I bought myself a new pair of shoes as reward. My first pair of Nike! I always like Adidas the best. Anyways, I got a pair of running shoes so I can work out to strengthen my knee muscles.

I'm not going to lose any shoes in my life anymore. This is far too much. I lost two pairs in Egypt. Got them stolen. I swear, I won't lose my shoes again!

December 12, 2006, 7:06pm

So, I'm losing my mind in the exam week. I lost my shoes so no gym for more than a week already. A friend will leave tomorrow. She has decided to quit graduate school.

So much to lose in one week...

December 6, 2006, 8:53pm

I went home at 4:30pm then dropped dead in bed. I was so exhausted after seeing my counselor. I felt like being beaten up...

She asked me the goal and purpose to have counseling. And I don't know. So, then, what is my purpose in life? What do I want to become? I don't know...

I said it's good to have a scheduled meeting. So if I don't show up, and if I die, at least she will notice, if no one else.

She asked why I feel that way, if I have friends, and if I am lonely. I have friends. I have socials with friends and don't have time for more. I don't feel lonely... I actually feel very occupied having too many friends around...

Well, but then when I think about it after seeing her, yes, I feel lonely. Not that I don't have people around me. But I'm being protective. I don't want to be very close with people. So, in a way, I'm lonely even when I have friends around. I have the fear of being hurt.

Then, I think I know what I want too... Just by saying that I don't know, it avoids the possibility of failure. I have been telling myself I don't know what I want for too long. If I don't know what I want, how can I end up here?

I want to do top reseach, the quality of research I saw at LSE. I hate the Hong Kong universities so much. The professors had little clue what they were doing. They didn't know anything about research design or statistics. Some even didn't have SPSS in their computer. And that paranoid stupid lady even accused me for giving her SPSS output without telling her what to read.

Sucks, all sucks. No point to be a slave for those stupid heads with no brain and no knowledge in statistics. They didn't blame themselves for being incompetent. She blamed me for not assisting her to interpret the output. Come on, how come you don't know in the first place?

Then, it's like when I get out of hell, from those stupid Hong Kong professors (I must say, not all of them, but most of them) and my family, I don't know where to head to. Now, I don't have to worry about my family, but I don't know what to do. No daily struggle with nonsense arguments anymore. I have a relatively peace of mind. But I let all those struggles to stay in my memory and I continue to struggle with my family in my head.

Then, I let myself to be trapped in a similar state of confusion. I don't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle my family when I was with them. Now, I didn't know what to do with my memory of them. Why would I have so many unknowns? It's like I'm used to be in a state of confusion and I let myself drill in it.

I got to wake up. It's already 1.5 years I left Hong Kong. No point to stay in confusion anymore. I know what I want. I have lost a lot of confidence and self-respect living with my family who's always creating faults in me. I need to get back my self-esteem.

For so many years I know what I want and I get what I want. I have accomplishments. I can do the same in the coming years. I should stop self-defeating and begin working on what I want, instead of deceiving myself that I don't know what I want.

Let me set out my goals in counseling.

1. To learn self-love.
2. To recognize my strength for surviving my horrible childhood and early adulthood.
3. To be positive about my relationship with my family. To believe that my past does not damage me. And don't let the past hinder my future growth. I come out strong from adversities.
4. To recognize my fear thinking about the possibility of seeing my family again. They are my enemies for so long. And my memories of them become my own enemies. I have the intensive fear of being hurt though I don't want to recognize that I was hurt.

Twiggy, you're right. An angry person can be vulnerable. It's difficult to change. It is threatening just thinking about to be less protective about myself. But I have only one life. I want to experience the full range of experience. I don't want to regret the day when I leave this world. I don't want to hear myself to say, "I didn't live my life to the full."

I cannot go hiking, snowshoeing, ice-skating, skiing... My knees won't do. But there is always this possibility that my physical therapy will strengthen my knees to the point that I can engage in these activities one day. I still have hope.

I should look at the bright side of the future. I need to recognize the confusion in the future and the dark side of my past. But these shouldn't hinder me from realizing my potentials.

December 5, 2006, 10:22pm

I was trying to be sad for a while last night. I didn't have anything to be sad about in particular. Just that I had an online chat with Twiggy some days ago and she said my anger is preventing me from experiencing the full spectrum of emotions.

It didn't work. I played some sad music but I fell asleep right away. I had some dreams about my high school but I didn’t remember anything. I only remember seeing some faces. That's all. Nothing sad, nothing special.

This is strange. I can be sad reading a novel or watching a movie. But whenever I think about my family, I only have anger. I don’t feel sad at all. Or I will be puzzled about what I should do about them.

I don’t know how to begin. How to make myself sad?

December 5, 2006, 9:05pm

Exam... papers...

I'm done with the group counseling this semester. I'm hoping to keep in touch with these people.

Will see my counselor tomorrow. Got to finish my writing assignment about feelings etc... So, what will a counselor do if a client is illiterate? Just curious...

December 3, 2006, 10:39pm

My roommate had a car accident last night. She's fine but her friend was injured in the head and the arm.

Seems like a car accident is a must-try experience in the US. It's very dangerous to drive right now. It's snow and ice everywhere.

December 1, 2006, 8:12pm

Whenever I walk on the snow, I think about Mao's long march...

My knees hurt walking on snow...

I'm having a headache...

November 29, 2006, 10:04pm

Oh, it's only 9F!!! -12.78C...

I really wonder how I can survive this winter...

November 29, 2006, 8:04pm

This is crazy. It's one foot of snow overnight. And I fell walking on the ice!

November 28, 2006, 9:00pm

Leanne, I got the package of snacks. See what's going on!

Things look OK from this angle.

The bag is like a balloon about to explode. :DDDDD

It's the low air pressure here in the high altitude. The Lipton tea boxes are in a similar condition. But the paper boxes don't look as dramatic. :D

I feel so warm getting the package. It's snowstorm today. So cold... The snow will continue until Wednesday...

Ai, I also got a Christmas card from my family. It's making me very sad.

November 27, 2006, 8:03pm

It's the second last group counseling session today. Got to find out a way to keep in touch with these nice people. :)

I think the close-to-perfect family in One Liter of Tears may exist in the world. But not every family can do that. If such a family is ordinary and commonplace, it doesn't worth it to put it in the TV or to publish about it in a book.

Many of my friends in the group therapy have a troubling family. I alo read too many tragic stories in interviews of people with psychiatric disorders. Those are really sad sad sad stories that should be put in the TV. Instead of glorifying family love, it may be educational to know how family hurts.

I read about individuals who were hospitalized for schizophrenia. Not from books but from interview data. Then, the next thing they knew, they could not contact their families anymore. The families changed the phone number. They moved. The individuals in need were abandoned. They didn't know where to go after hospitalization.

Probably we have the ideal, the prototypical family in our mind. Probably we project our desire to have such a perfect family in the TV. I doubt if such a perfect family exists. But I'm sure child abuse and discrimination exist in many families.

I don't think my family would take care of me if I got a deadly disease. My mother blamed me for being crippled. She also scolded me a million times during Sars to make sure I was wearing the surgical mask. Yeah, she locked herself at home, not going out. So I would be the person going out to contract Sars and kill her.

I'm trying to work on my next paper on parental differential treatment. That is, parents favor one kid over the other. Why would they do this? I can imagine parents like one kid better than the other. But why my mother can be so mean to me? She's trying to destroy me.

November 24, 2006, 11:47pm

I'm just done with One Liter of Tears. It took me two days. I got to work hard from tomorrow. I still have a paper, a class discussion, and an exam to go.

Leanne, I think you don't mind if I share all the links here. You're a much more competent RA than me. I cannot figure out how you can find all of them. :)

It really makes me wonder. Does such a loving family exist? Maybe it exist only in TV. Maybe they glorified the family?

Can people go through traumas without a family?

一公升的眼淚1-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=aHwQzfzA8 50
一公升的眼淚1-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=uqn5N5guU KE
一公升的眼淚1-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=PZytlNNB5 Pw
一公升的眼淚1-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=swX1c4vGt u4
一公升的眼淚1-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=zC5uOA9mC zA
一公升的眼淚1-6
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=fYvDqy9fo 1A

一公升的眼淚2-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=gP7UEyit5 rc
一公升的眼淚2-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=J6-n4Wusw jE
一公升的眼淚2-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=ZP0wjSMLO Y8
一公升的眼淚2-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=-nNgiqUWl 74
一公升的眼淚2-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=UabuCTo8Z Ts


一公升的眼淚3-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=CvFx1q8kD H4
一公升的眼淚3-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=dXXBOjGUR MQ
一公升的眼淚3-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=nU0pdyUSE VU
一公升的眼淚3-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=31NbvTAyN 2E
一公升的眼淚3-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=LMmIB5cyk F4


一公升的眼淚4-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=MK_6vtZS_ QI
一公升的眼淚4-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=r_kRZWfrW zw
一公升的眼淚4-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=wRhpH6t-A 0s
一公升的眼淚4-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=olJgFUYzH aA
一公升的眼淚4-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=6XLjUFgQb ws


一公升的眼淚5-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=roR5aVo7A IE
一公升的眼淚5-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=HNc-NhKNA 2Y
一公升的眼淚5-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=KvVi-Q9xd Qg&NR
一公升的眼淚5-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=sDGCpIxHJ 9M&NR
一公升的眼淚5-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=ZiFmcMsBI fg&NR


一公升的眼淚6-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=fXUVGbIs5 ZY&NR
一公升的眼淚6-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=bC1EBxZu8 gA&NR
一公升的眼淚6-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=KtvhRb2NF _o&NR
一公升的眼淚6-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=bltH9NjlP Q0&NR
一公升的眼淚6-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=QoczcrvR6 GM&NR

一公升的眼淚7-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=7593XrwMZ rk
一公升的眼淚7-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=CF7HjFKY1 yY
一公升的眼淚7-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=e4QrBHFYL lc
一公升的眼淚7-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=S3z2XeRYa ko
一公升的眼淚7-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=5iTLXkH6k hg


一公升的眼淚8-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=5wbluacFT XQ
一公升的眼淚8-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=h_B41y7Yk Mg
一公升的眼淚8-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=uomOeMhkZ Mk
一公升的眼淚8-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=WMHGrrKW4 JI
一公升的眼淚8-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=hC2mREYi6 Bg


一公升的眼淚9-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=BTGJHLw9L 9k
一公升的眼淚9-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=37Ns1colh 3g
一公升的眼淚9-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=HitVPMrSI -E
一公升的眼淚9-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=DGGb-SAVR cw
一公升的眼淚9-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=ZcPifz45I js


一公升的眼淚10-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=WaF1hL9c3 kw
一公升的眼淚10-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=Q3TcCd0go N8
一公升的眼淚10-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=DX0v0G6pO fU
一公升的眼淚10-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=tQjv3F2ma nI
一公升的眼淚10-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=pxOLWmA2- Cc


一公升的眼淚11-1
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=FOZJPaamM rg
一公升的眼淚11-2
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=FmJc8jLE0 pg
一公升的眼淚11-3
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=U4U-PwxbH U8
一公升的眼淚11-4
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=qh9X4M8eB KM
一公升的眼淚11-5
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=JL4kYgmHK Jw
一公升的眼淚11-6
http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=8VFOykqAW 2w

November 23, 2006, 1:24pm

Leanne, I will find time to "boil" One Liter of Tears! I was up until 3am searching the clips...

Just too bad... I felt the fear and pain when Aya's trying to take the steps down in the zoo... Someone should beat up that guy who pushed her.

So, friends, did you feel embarrassed walking around with me when I was crippling? I can stand and walk straight now though there's always pain. And my knees are still swollen after the hike last Saturday.

Sophia, I went to Macau with you and I had to use the walking stick. Did you feel like to walk away?

Leanne, I couldn't walk more than 30 minutes without complaints. And I got to find a place to sit down. Was I a pain or trouble?

How come the focus is on how Aya was struggling. What about what those pain-free strangers around? Can they think about what they can do to make lives easier for people with disabilities?

I'll write about what I feel about Aya's family later. I'm feeling very bad now. How come I didn't have anyone to support me in the family when I was not able to lift my own legs. My mother was scolding me about doing physical therapy. She said it's no use. Yeah, I bet she thinks she knows better than the orthopedics doctor and physical therapists.

November 22, 2006, 3:04pm

My laptop is down again. Cannot boot up and cannot shut down... Got to work in the lab in the Thanksgiving holidays...

So, I have a writing assignment for my counseling therapy. I need to write about my feeling of emptiness in Thanksgiving, when everyone is going home.

Tough.

November 19, 2006, 11:56pm

Just beautiful. It's a place where you can see evidence of good air.

It's Bobcat Ridge.

http://fcgov.com/naturalareas/bobcat.php

November 18, 2006, 9:24pm

My knees are in pain right now. I went up to the mountain this morning. I hiked 2 miles... It's not like hills in Hong Kong or the Great Wall. I didn't even have to go up and down. The car did that. I was only walking on a trail of level ground... It's very easy but my knees are swollen.

It's very beautiful and quiet up there. I'll post some photos probably tomorrow. No time this evening. I'm making law han fruit soup. It's very dry here.

November 18, 2006, 12:13am

Also, if A Diary of Tears is really popular in Hong Kong, I wonder why. Is there anyone reflecting on how people with disabilities are treated?

I cannot forget all those ridiculous steps and slopes going to CUHK and HKU. I was going to the Prince of Wales Hospital, CUHK, and HKU Medicine. How are they treating people with mobility problems? And the curbs all over Hong Kong. There's no sign to inform customers what to do when the MTR escalator broke down. Did they expect a wheelchair to climb the steps?

The stupid cinema in Causeway Bay that gave me obstacles when I was trying to get out without walking the steps. No place to sit down and have a rest in the malls when my knees wouldn't work.

Well, at least, I can begin with a focus group to see what people like or dislike about A Diary of Tears. What attracts them? What do they think about people having a disability? Then, I should be able to go about with a qualitative interview to see what TV viewers want to get from the show. My research question is to see how watching a person with disabilities in TV may influence what they think about people with disabilities in real life.

What about if it's an older person with diabilities instead of a 14-year-old? Will a TV show about an older person with a disability be as interesting?

November 17, 2006, 11:05pm

I was watching One Liter Tears from youtube. Leanne, thanks for your recommendation!

I am really impressed. Is it the reality in the Japanese high schools? The school has its own indoor basketball courts! How come Hong Kong students are so deprived? Or was I deprived? What about other Hong Kong schools? What facilities do they offer for students?

The schools here have a lot of outdoor places for students. My friend's grandson in Florida can play football in his junior high school. I also have a huge gym here. It's simply not comparable to the small gym rooms in CUHK, HKIEd, or PolyU.

Why would Hong Kong students pay such high tuition fee but don't get anything close? Why Hong Kong students study so hard for so many years, in the end, those employers would label students as having low language ability or lack of international vision? Low and lack, compared to who? Against what standard?

Who will be able to evaluate the previous generation of Hong Kong university students? Were they having high language ability? Did they have international vision? Who knows?

All bullshit. They just want to demean Hong Kong students. They simply want to pay less salary. I don't believe in those bullshit. Asian students work much longer hours. Asian students also do well based on a lot of international standards.

Hong Kong doesn't produce as many university students as many other Asian countries. My Korean, Japanese, and Philippino friends said for sure they have at least 50% high school students going to the university. It was less than 18% when I went to the university. Those suckheads were already bullshitting about university graduates not having good English.

Who didn't have good English? Who can say I didn't have good English with my IELTS, TOEFL, and GRE scores? These are international standards.

I'm having a conspiracy theory. Those Hong Kong employers want university students cheap. They try to make up a story about how the students don't measure up. So the students don't value much. They want to pay less. This is pathetic.

This is so much like my mother. Always scolding. Nothing constructive. I am always useless whatever I do or not do. If I have any achievement, it's either nothing or I am arrogant.

If Hong Kong students really don't measure up, OK, what's the point? So, are you going to come up with a plan to help students improve? I have never read any of those employers giving any suggestions.

They're like my mother. She wants to destroy me. She wants to fail me and step on me. She won't try so at least she won't fail. If I try and she does whatever to fail me, I'm a loser, she doesn't lose. And she is successful to fail me.

I had my desk in the balcony. The washing machine was 1.5 meters away from me. I had the wet clothes and underwears hanging above my head. It's the highway outside, the trucks, buses, and motorcycles were roaring. The TV's on until 10pm. When it's finally turned off, I would have a relatively quiet time to work, usually until 2am. The neighbors were playing mahjog...

Here, most often it's the college students making noise having parties.

All Hong Kong students have a success story, no matter they get into the university or not. What kind of school environment does Hong Kong provide for most students? And we can still score far above the international averages?

I simply don't see why so many Hong Kong students with such high quality should be stuck in Hong Kong working over 12 hours a day and getting disrespect. It's relatively few Hong Kong students going overseas to work or study, compared to other Chinese students. Most of them apply to go overseas after their undergraduates.

If circumstances allow, why not leave the sickening place that won't appreciate our effort working in school all these years? Why do we have to have a UST student killing himself?

November 16, 2006, 9:47pm

OK. I'm done with my two papers. In the next three weeks, I have the followings to do.

1. A paper with a group
2. A class discussion
3. Final exam
4. A conference abstract

I'll have to get the conference abstract done by Dec. 1!!! Got to work very hard.

My roommate said something very inspiring this evening. She read a book that says, if you want to do something, the universe will conspire.

November 13, 2006, 11:23pm

It makes me really angry to read car accidents like this.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/061113/60/1wbyi.html

Come on, let the bikes go first. Only release the brake when the bikes are out of your way. Why would the bikes yield the way for a truck in the first place? They are just kids. How can you predict what they are going to do? They are so small. It's very difficult to see them in the mirror.

What is the "reason?" Is it reasonable at all? I really hope this is not really what the driver said. How come he would be looking at the wall instead of watching out for the kids? The wall won't move. Let the kids go first then he will have more space!

I really don't understand. I think this can be a good research question. Why drivers in Hong Kong and so many places in China don't yield to pedestrians and bikes? Come on, I will be driving 20 miles/hour even in the campus. A car goes so much faster than the two legs. Why not just stay for 2 seconds and let the pedestrians and bikes go first? A car will pass them within half a second. A car can also run over them in a millisecond.

November 13, 2006, 10:30pm

I don't understand. I remember somehow a TV show or whatever said that Einstein published a paper in a few pages and that turned our understanding of the world up-side-down. He had no references.

I feel like I'm so stupid here. I write and write and write for so many pages. I have to keep a complete record of all the references. I have to be very meticulous about spell-check and the years of publication etc.

Why do I have to do all these? Why I simply cannot come up with a good enough idea if not a briliant one that can change the world?

What am I doing? Why do I have to write so many papers? Why do they require so many pages for so many papers?

My brain has stopped functioning...

November 9, 2006, 9:43pm

It's heart-breaking to read about the suicide of the HKUST fresh graduate. I can picture how the spots news reporters were waiting, taking pictures, commenting about the student... I can picture how heart-broken the parents were...

I still cannot forget the day when I saw the medical student jumped from the hospital residence. I was among the spots news reporters to take pictures of him and the parents. And to overhear what the mother mourned about in the counseling room though I believe it's unethical.

I was out to complete my internship. I was on my own. That's news and I had to get information to write a story. All other reporters did that and I was supposed to do the same. You don't need to be critical about journalism practices. You only need to get what other reporters get, write a story, and fill up the page. To be critical can best be valuable in the university. There's no place for critical thinking in the newsroom, at least for a spot news reporter.

I hated the job. I hated the Hong Kong media. I had no support from anywhere. No career counselor. I was working over 12 hours every day. Six days a week. I hated every single second in the two-month internship.

That could be me to find no way out and commit suicide. Whenever I could find time, I was in my heaven, UL (CUHK University Library). I read I don't know how many books on suicides and journalism ethics. That simply cannot be right to listen to what the mother was mourning about when she's in the counseling room. What's the point to wait for a whole day to take a picture of a bloody dead body? What help can you do for the family or the society to write a bloody story?

Why can you not write about the inadequacy in the support system for fresh graduates? It's a huge literature on the student-worker transition. Why can you not write about Durkheim's sociology of suicide? Why can you not write about the theories and risk factors of suicide?

Why someone's personal life such as their online diaries or their love affairs becomes "public interest" suddenly when they commit suicide? What is interesting? Is it not for public interest that reporters investigate the (in)adequate career services for university students? Or at least to provide contact information about where to seek help when they need to?

I cannot be less critical about the Hong Kong media. Tabloid quality.

November 6, 2006, 9:31pm

My knee hurts the whole day since this morning. I began to try Super Feet last Thursday. It's a pad to put in the shoes. The aim is to support the arches so that my legs will be straighter.

Just like any new things to try, my knees and the muscles have to adjust to it... It means pain pain pain. I was carrying two huge folders to my lab and work on my paper. Probably it's too heavy and my knee's hurt all day. :~~

This is really frustrating.

November 6, 2006, 1:10am

My head is spinning... I cannot think anymore... Writing my paper on molecular genetics and personality change the whole day. I don't even know much about molecular genetics but I need to design a study about it...

I don't really know what I'm writing about. I'm seeing stars in the computer screen...

November 5, 2006, 12:42pm

I was skidding this morning going to Walmart... Very scary. I was going too fast trying to catch the green light... I shouldn't do it next time. Going to Walmart five minutes later is much better than going to the heaven or the hell early.

I'd probably go to hell with my 666 plate.

I did grocery shopping and laundry. I took care of the bank business. I cooked last night. Hopefully I won't have to do too much housework in the next two weeks. I have too much schoolwork to do. I need to stay focused.

My physical therapist said I can go to the gym two times a week, instead of three times. I negotiated with her. This is too much time this time of the semester. She said it's better that I go two times, than stop the training all together.

She also suggested me to try a pain killer, ibuprofen. I got it today in Walmart. So, let's see what's going to happen. I need to find a way to remind myself to take the tablet three times a day.

I'm also trying something called Super Feet. It's a pad to put in the shoes to make my legs straight. Yeah, I feel my legs are different... not sure if they're straight or not. But my legs are tired and painful because the muscles and joints have to adjust to the new posture...

Pain pain pain. It's very frustrating. But my physical therapist is very happy with my progress. Yes, I can lift heavier weights. So, there's improvement. But come on, I don't count those as improvment. I want to be able to walk the steps without pain... I want to be able to hike again. And running...

Was out for hot pot with friends. I ate too much... Oh, it's Chinese style hot pot and home-made. It's so good. I had the Chongqing soup. I ate too many fish balls.

I also got drunk last night. My roommate finished her midterms so we're out to get wine back to the apartment. I'm never a good drinker but I'm getting much worse. I didn't plan to get drunk. I only had a little Bailey's then I was seeing stars. And I slept on the couch until 5:30am...

Enough crazy things before all my deadlines. Got to work very hard in the coming few days.

November 2, 2006, 8:46pm

I was having nightmares again. I couldn't wake up this morning. Was mourning... I had pain all over. My chest, my shoulders, my back...

I don't remember anything in the dream. I only remember I saw my mother's face. That's all. And I was so very afraid and shocked...

Yesterday, I was feeling very jealous hearing people about how happy their childhood was... I was not sad. I was angry about nothing. I was not angry about my parents or myself. I was not angry about those people I was hearing about the stories. I was just jealous. I was angry because I couldn't do anything about it.

Sure it's fine other people have a happy experience. I don't want more people to have sick parents like mine. I also believe there're people suffering even worse childhood.

I don't have a happy experience and I cannot change my past. I cannot change my parents either. It's not like that if I'm jealous about other people having a nice car or a nice house, I can plan about it, save up money, and buy a nice car and a nice house if I really want it.

I cannot go shopping, pick the parents I like, pack them in a box, pay, and take them home. I don't have a childhood and I don't have sensible parents. I can never have one. I hate it.

I need to find a way to stop this. This is making me sick.

November 1, 2006, 9:53pm

So, this is me and Emma in a Halloween party last Friday. Emma is a friend's two-year-old butterfly fairy. :)

I didn't go to any party yesterday. Was out with two Hong Kong friends for Fondue, Italian hot pot. It was so good... Yeah, lobsters... then I got allergy. I don't feel right the whole day today...

October 30, 2006, 7:58pm

Psyche, thank you so much for your call last night. I need to feel I have connections outside this small town. I still don't like these small towns. Too small, too boring, nothing to do... Thank you.

Only four weeks away and it will be the finals. So many papers etc to do...

Many times I think about my counselor said I'm controlling my sadness etc. I need to release and not suppress my anger etc... I wonder if this is gender-biased. Will she say the same to a man? Will counselors ask a man to cry and release?

I agree that I hold back my frustration and tears since when I was very small. No point to cry or my mother would scold me even worse. Developmental theories usually employ the evolutionary perspective that crying is adaptive. Crying attracts parents attention etc. Well, depends on what kind of parents. I only got scolding as far as I can remember.

Anyways, it's my assignment to think about my childhood and feel sad about it, which is difficult. It's really difficult. My counselor said I'm used to turn off my negative emotion automatically. So, I think about it many times... I think about many incidents that I can still remember, the shock...

This particular memory is bothering me, so I got to write it down or I don't think I can focus on my readings.

I don't know how old I was. Maybe 6 or less. I was sick. For many times before this incident, I "liked" to be sick. Because my mother would be more gentle when I was sick. I couldn't remember what she would do but I remember I had this thought. So, I was lying in bed and my mother was in the middle of covering me with a blanket.

I said, I like to be sick. You treat me better.

She yelled, bullshit, what's good to be sick?

Her voice was like turning on the hifi without checking that the volume is set in maximum. I was shocked. Probably as shocked as little Albert in the classic study of classical conditioning, being conditioned to have fear towards rabbits and later generalized to any white soft toys.

So, I never "bullshit" again. And I never remember my mother being gentle to me anymore even when I was sick.

She's definitely adding salt and vinegar to my wounds so many times when I had injuries (this is figurative). All those yelling about my bad knees, about me being broken and handicapped, useless... Just to make sure to convince me that I deserve it and it's none of her responsibility.

Come on, I have never blamed her about my knees in the first place.

Ai. I'll have to be in the gym again tomorrow early in the morning for the physical therapy exercises. I really don't know how my knees can survive this winter in the snow.

October 28, 2006, 9:02pm

I went to my first football game. It's a free ticket from a friend. So, why not.

I still cannot follow the games. I know some rules now but still, I don't know what they're doing most of the time. Anyways, I like to see the cheerleaders and the bands. All these kids in uniforms always remind me the great time seeing the Queen's parade in her Golden Jubilee in London. :)

BTW, I went to the corn maze last night. It's to walk around to find out how to get out of the maze... I went after 8pm so it's totally dark. None of us got a flashlight... My little LED and the cell phones were the substitutes... So, no hope to get out. In the end, we had the staff to help us get out.

I don't really understand why Americans like to smash pumpkins and use corns as canons for fun. How wasting food is funny at all?

October 25, 2006, 10:02pm

I'm finally trying to relax. I was out to have a pumpkin party with friends. Yeah, it's in the evening so I had to drive. No bus after 6:15pm in this small town.

As always, anxious.

Then we watched "The Lake House" together. The movie has a car accident and a guy dies... Then I was anxious all the way. Come on, please drive safe. Please watch out for traffic before crossing the road. Please...

Then, the task after party was to find my car. I didn't remember exactly where I parked. So my two friends and I were walking around in the parking lot looking for my car for 5 minutes in the windy, dark, and cold evening.

Ahhhh... driving...

October 25, 2006, 6:00pm

My counselor said I'm always controlling my emotions. So, the way to do is to release my emotions. Far too often I'm holding back my sadness... And I'm scared about feeling emotions.

I don't want to lose control of my emotions. I have the fear that I will be crazy if I don't hold back my sadness. I don't want to be like my mother, to be simply uncontrollable. I also don't want to be sad, then I may be mean to others.

But my counselor said I won't be like my mother. I'm not her. So, my task this week is to feel my sadness... This is really difficult. I usually find ways to make myself happy when I'm sad.

I will try to do it anyways.

October 24, 2006, 9:05pm

I began physical therapy in the gym since last week. So, I have to go to the gym three times a week to do the exercises... Time. So, much time to work on my knees.

Anyways, I'm beginning to see the effect. My legs feel stronger. :)

I was using the eliptical machine this morning. It's new to me though I'm sure I have seen those machines a hundred times already. I simply didn't get on it and try because I couldn't be sure if it's good or bad for my knees.

So, I was very excited when my physical therapist let me hop on the elpitical this morning. Well, then, my left knee began to hurt after 5 minutes. And it's still swelling!

Anyways, being able to work out in the gym makes me feel much more energetic. I feel like I'm alive again. :D

October 21, 2006, 9:14pm

I went to a pumpkin farm to pick my own pumpkin and make the jack-o-lantern. :)

Pumpkins! I love the bright orange color. It makes me feel happy and energetic.

I carved my Jack's face. Whether it's work or play, it takes patience.

October 21, 2006, 3:08pm

I drove to the school gym, then to Walmart this morning... Oh, I'm just still anxious on the road...

The weather forcast said it's going to snow again. So, I'd better buy anything I need first. Then I don't have to worry about driving in snow.

October 21, 2006, 1:04am

So, I met my counselor again today. She gave me the narzar last week, the Turkish symbol for good luck. It's for my car. :)

Today, we talked about all those experiences I felt unfair when I was small. She said, I can be angry. Yes, I'm angry. I'm still angry after all these years. I hate all those suckheads I met. So, she said I'm doing good. I was always calm to talk about all those trauma. It's good to express my feelings.

I don't know what to do. The past is the past. I cannot change my experiences. But she said, I was hurt. It's OK to be angry. She would be angry too if those things happened to her. But I can change how I look at the past. OK, let's see.

October 18, 2006, 7:37pm

My roommate and I got crazy this morning. It's snowy snow!

We're taking pictures all the way going to school. :)

October 17, 2006, 10:07pm

It's snowing the whole day... Very cold. It's only 28F... -2.22C...

I was walking to the bus stop to go home and it took me forever. So, I missed the bus. Well, I got to be very careful. I don't want to fall in the snow.

I will need to learn how to drive in the snow... Very scary...

October 17, 2006, 12:45pm

It's snowing! My goodness. I'm totally unprepared. I thought it said it will snow tonight!

I don't have my snow jacket or boots. I only have a windbreaker and sneakers... My goodness. I was in the pool and weight room for physical therapy this morning. I planned not to have any thing bulky so it's easier to get the stuff in the locker...

Oh, snow... I got to learn to like it.

October 15, 2006, 9:50pm

I drove to the super Walmart this afternoon, under a friend's instruction. Well, it's quite a few scary things along the way... I felt like I was driving forever... :~~

I need to get over my anxiety about driving.

I got a pair of snow boots today. Yeah, $$$$$$$$$$$$ It says it's going to snow this week...

October 15, 2006, 12:31am

Feels like I'm getting superstitious... I saw many dead things after the night driving in the dark without any headlight.

Right when I got back to my apartment, there's a dead bug. Then this morning, there's a pigeon's left wing in the patio beside my bike... Very scary. Only one wing with feathers but without any body.

I feel like all these things die for me, sort of like a sacrifice because of my recklessness...

October 14, 2006, 8:15pm

I am done with a first aid class. I will be expecting my certification in six weeks. :)

I cannot believe it. After a week of assignments and midterm exam, I was up early and finished the class from 9 to 5. I'm just exhausted right now.

Anyways, I'm really happy. I want to learn first aid for about 10 years. Just haven't got the nerve to sign up for a class. Now I made it!

I saw too many tragedies every single day many times when I was a spots news reporter in the summer when I was the first year in CUHK. Car accidents, drowning, suicides... dead bodies... It was a trauma to see people suffering in pain, both surviving the injuries and losing their friends and family members.

I was not just helpless. I was supposed to take a picture, to the extent that I might be interfering rescue work. This is not right. But this is what I was supposed to do to make news.

Sucks.

So, I never join the Hong Kong media. I don't know what I can do to help people in need. But at least I don't want to do harm.

Learning first aid is one way to help, just in case I meet someone in need. Got to see if there's any voluntary organizations to join and put my skills into use.

October 11, 2006, 8:32pm

I told my friends and my physical therapist about my horrible experience last night. I'm still posttraumatic.

At least I have eaten something today.

Got to gather up my energy. It's my midterm tomorrow!

The trauma of driving reminds me how miserable and helpless when I was a kid. My counselor at UF talked about that. That I was all alone trying to handle stuff without guidance. That I put up with everything, trying to stay strong. Yet I was just a kid. I held up all the fear etc and put up a strong face. That was adaptive. But he said, I may need to learn how to put down my strong face and relax.

Yes, I was very helpless. I had a lot of things to do in school and didn't know how. So many other students would do things properly at least in the teachers' eyes. Yet I would come up with something else. I didn't mean to be a bad kid. I thought about it and figured that might be the way to do. It just happened that those were not in my teachers' expectations.

I was ashamed. I didn't know how. Other students would say, "Of course this is the way to do it!" This "of course" has a lot of things taken for granted. They had their parents to fill out all the school forms for them, etc. I only had myself. I had to fill out the forms, then asked my mother a million times to have her sign the form. At times, she would threaten me that she's not going to sign.

The first day in P. 1, one of the assignment was to "recite" the first chapter in the Chinese book. 背書, well, I don't know how helpful it was to learn Chinese but it was an assignment. I didn't know the meaning of 背. The teacher presumed everyone knew what it meant. And I didn't ask.

I didn't have anyone to ask at home. The next day, the whole class was ready to recite the chapter aloud. It's then I know what recite means. It's to read the text aloud without looking at the book. I still wonder why there's such an assignment to do throughout my school years. Why recite every single word in the chapters? Why does it matter if you miss one or two words, if those are not the keywords? Does reciting help learning at all? What are students expected to learn?

Then, the teacher picked some students to stand up and recite. I was very threatened. I couldn't do it. I was not prepared. Luckily, I was not picked.

I have learnt a lot of things the hard way, probably because I have not had any guidance. But this is how I would never forget the lessons I learnt.

Like last night, the cop stopped me. I asked him all the questions I could come up with about driving at night. He was incredibly kind and showed me how to use the heater and fan to defrost the windows. He also showed me how to use the headlights, high and low beam.

If I were him, I would surely wonder how I could have got my license.

October 11, 2006, 12:00am

I could have died. I don't know how I did that. I drove in the dark without any headlight.

So, this is my first time to drive in the dark. I only drove in the dark in Florida with knowlegeable drivers sitting beside me to remind me about lights etc.

This evening, I drove on my own, with my roommate. She didn't know how to drive.

I couldn't see. It's a lot of mist on the window when I was out of the parking lot. I couldn't see the lines then I realized I was on the left lane. This is crazy.

So, I found a parking lot to stop. My roommate and I cleaned the front and back windows. Then, I was too anxious and forgot to have the headlights on.

I made it close to my apartment. God knows how I did that. Then a police car stopped me.

I asked the cop how I could remove the mist and have the headlights on. He's patient enough to answer all my questions.

I still cannot believe I'm alive. I don't know what to do to be sure I'm not dead.

Now I cannot eat. I cannot think. But I have my midterm to do this Thursday.

October 9, 2006, 8:07pm

It's very cold... just like London. Gray, cold, windy, rain...

It's only 37F outside. The lowest will be 28F! So, probably it will snow...

October 9, 2006, 12:08am

Just want to write down my reflections on this news report before I begin my physical therapy exercises.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/061008/12/1ua0j.html

1. I've seen far too many similar studies to ask adolescents etc about what their parents have done. Is there any study on parents and ask them what they have done and why they do what they do on their kids?

2. I think I have more dramatic quotations about demeaning kids. "If you don't do your homework, I will give you dog shit to eat," "If you don't study hard, you go push the cart and sell roast pork buns."

These creative words came from my mom. Well, I was too small to think of any stigma associated with selling roast pork buns or dim sum in general. I still don't think it's anything stigmatizing or unrespectable to sell food. Anywaysl, I think I didn't want to eat dog shit.

The sick part was, I was already working on my homework. Why all these nonsense yelling? I just do my homework. I just do it on my own. I don't need to be reminded about doing homework. I don't have any tutorial help. Yet, I had to "parent" her and asked her several times before she would sign on my handbook.

Another sick part was, the teacher scolded students for not having the parent's signature on the handbook. Come on, stupid heads, go scold the parents. I was not authorized to sign. If I was the one required to sign on the handbook, I would have signed already. It's the parents who are supposed to do their job. Why scold the kids? Suckheads. All these adults I met when I was small, all sucked.

Then, I got achievements in school. I have learnt self-learn, maybe this is the most valuable skill I learnt through adversity. Then there's more adversity to come to be "successful" in school.

"You go to the university. You are snobbish," "You know nothing else. You only read books. You are stupid."

So, what's the point to scold me about working hard? There're at least two reasons why she had no point. First, in operant conditioning studies, I suppose scolding is a form of positive punishment. Supposingly, I got to reduce the targeted behaviors to reduce the undesirable stimulus, i.e. scolding. Punishment may work to reduce behaviors, not increase behaviors. If she really wanted me to work hard, to increase the behaviors related to studying hard, reinforcements should be introduced.

Second, I suppose I finally got the rewards for working hard in school. I got into the university etc. I have the options not to push the cart and sell roast pork buns. So, why is she still yelling? Yelling wouldn't stop me from getting what I have already got. I got into university, that's a fact, the past. It's not an act of behavior that I could reduce or increase my frequency of performing the act. Yelling simply won't change the past.

So, my conclusion is, she is crazy. Got to talk to my counselor this week.

October 8, 2006, 9:43pm

I cannot believe it. I have been sitting in front of my laptop working all day. The weather alert comes up frequently to remind me about the falling temperature. Early this afternoon, it's 54F. Then, it's falling constantly... 52, 50, 48, 45... It's only 41F now!

My goodness. I'm having pain in my left elbow and shoulder, probably because of the cold. Come on, I don't use the mouse with my left hand. How come I have pain on the left...

How can I survive the winter...

October 8, 2006, 4:29pm

The weather forcast says there will be snow and rain tomorrow night. Oh, it's cloudy and cold the whole day. I woke up this morning wondering whether the heater was on.

Good enough I drove around yesterday in the sun without any snow. Or I would simply get a heart attack and die right away. I don't think I can handle the stress to drive in the snow while I was getting lost, trying to figure out how to get to where I wanted to go.

October 7, 2006, 8:19pm

It's the CSU Homecoming weekend. So, this morning, I was up at 7am, planning to go to the gym before going to the parade... Only to find out that the gym opens at 8am when I was there at 7:30am...

Anyways, after physical therapy in the pool and spa, I went to see the parade. The pictures are not very good. I am sorry but I cannot control the shutter etc with this digital camera...

This is the ram, called Cam. It's the CSU mascot.

Just like when I was in Florida, they had the military, veterans, police, fire fighters, schools, and local businesses.

Then I had the Mid-Autumn Festival party with the Taiwanese students. It's barbeque and pizza. I left before they had mooncakes. I had to go to have oil change and fluid check for my car. I got lost! I printed out the directions already. Still got lost. So very frustrating.

I got the air filter changed and washed the car. I also bought a tire pressure gauge, and a brush to remove snow and ice. A friend helped me with that. I don't want to know how much I paid all these things for my car today.

So, after biking around campus in the morning, my knees now ache like hell. :(

October 6, 2006, 11:20pm

I slept like dead after my presentation. Only woke up hearing the fireworks. It's the CSU homecoming this weekend.

So, it's cloudy tonight. The moon's behind the clouds. Maybe I will have to chase the moon tomorrow. Psyche, I shared the mooncake with my roommate!

I met my counselor again this morning. I was complaining about school and she said this was the first time she saw me getting angry. But I didn't express much of my anger about my mother.

So, she said I was kicking the dog. That is, I project my anger elsewhere, and not directing to my mother, the source of most of my anger.

This is strange. I have never thought about it this way. I simply cannot show my anger towards my mom. This is automatic yet I'm still very angry at her. I just don't show my anger.

I don't know what to do. So, my assignment this week is to think about my goal in the next sessions.

October 5, 2006, 8:32pm

So, I will give a presentation in the Friday seminar tomorrow. It's my master's dissertation done in London, five years ago...

I don't even remember how to pronounce "Bourdieu," the French sociologist/anthropoligist's name. So, I went to the foreign language department and asked a French instructor how to say this name yesterday.

I was studying my own work again. It's a long time ago, I don't actually feel this is my work.

I hope it will be a cloudless night tomorrow. I really want to see the full moon. At least we'll be looking at the same moon in places far apart.

October 3, 2006, 11:00pm

I took my roommate to go grocery shopping this afternoon. She's really brave. I was driving.

I'm about to have panic attack just thinking about driving! Nervous, nervous, nervous.

Then when we're back home, she's beginning to cook for supper. She was heating very little oil with maximum fire. So, the smoke triggered the fire alarm. Then, she's trying to rinse the oil with water but the water plus oil mixture was splashing everywhere violently.

And she's there holding the pan! I asked her to put it down... then she's putting it down on the floor. I said, no, in the sink.

Then, finally, I fanned the fire alarm for a while until the beeper's off. I also got to calm my roommate down. She's really scared. This is only her third week learning to cook. Well, I'm in psychology. I suppose I have to help her live through her traumatic learning experience.

A new driver and a new cook living together really result in a lot of surprise and anxiety. :)

October 1, 2006, 6:22pm

So, I don't have any firework for the Chinese National Day here. I miss the crowd, colors, and noise.

This is what I have here. Beautiful isn't it? It's like gold under the evening sun. Maybe this is why we say "money tree." Yes, it's really like gold falling from the tree. My car is sitting right beside it. :)

Look at this. In a few days, all the gold leaves will fall off, just like the one standing right beside it.

This is the same tree, last week. The leaves were beginning to turn gold. Then today, there's no leave left! I cannot believe it!!! (BTW, the black hole in the middle is my apartment.)

I swear. This is the same tree, last week with leaves. Oh, this is life. Life comes and goes.

September 30, 2006, 4:23pm

Seeing may not be believing. A friend took me to go shopping for winter clothes. I got all these stuff... Snow jacket, snow socks, hat, and gloves... How can this be real?

I'm still not sure. I cannot believe I will have a winter that I will need these stuff. This is simply unbelievable. What did I do to make myself end up at this point in life?

What will I end up with? Life is a mystery...

Psyche, I was burning the Australian incense you sent me earlier today. I was thinking, smoke is so beautiful, so unpredictable. I will never know which direction it's going to go.

Anyways, I got to be very cautious to burn incense in my apartment. I don't want to trigger the smoke alarm... Or I will have water spraying from the ceiling. :D

September 30, 2006


So, I had the new plate on my car and got the temporary registration paper off. I got 666, the devil's number!

Well, but the number is pretty good if I think about it in the Chinese way, road road road!

Now, would anyone give me suggestions about NGV? Nancy, the staff at the front desk said, it can be nice, gorgeous, and victory. :)

I took my Japanese friend to grocery shopping this afternoon. She's brave enough to sit in my car. :D

September, 27, 2006, 6:18pm

So, I wrote the letter to mom last week and gave it to my counselor. Today, she asked me to read the letter aloud.

So, I was angry. She said this session was different from the previous sessions. I'm always in control of my emotions and feelings. I will need to learn how to feel my sadness and anger. Or those repressed feelings will express themselves in nightmares.

She also said, I have been hurt all these years. To heal, it's like to heal a physical wound. I cannot just put a bandaid on it to cover it. I need to clean and disinfect the wound... And it can be more painful to go through the healing process...

So, I agreed to begin the disinfection today. Feels like to peel the bandaid off... Pain. And the disgusting wound...

She also said the letter I wrote was very saddening. I don't really feel very sad. It's a lot of anger and tension. She said, it made sense when I was facing all the trauma. If I felt hurt, I was vulnerable. But if I was angry, I had the energy to fight back and survive.

So, maybe I'll have to try to be sad for a while... To peel off the bandaid that's hiding the wound for 29 years. I don't know how I can pour alcohol on my wound... I feel like I cannot survive the pain. But my counselor said I can do it.

I'll try. I don't want to be bothered about my past anymore. Somehow someday, I want to be healed. Then look at the scar and say, I'm healed.

September 25, 2006, 8:49pm

Hey, Psyche, I really need to show off here! I love the mooncake. It's so cute. I'm going to tell my friends about the Mid-Autumn Festival. The sheepskin slippers are really important for the winter. I have had the heater on all the time already. :D

And Natalie, I gave the lanterns to my department head and friends. Sure I kept two for myself, in case I will burn one accidentally. :)

September 25, 2006, 7:08pm

This is my car, my first car ever. :)

OK, I didn't park straight. Please, let me practise more. I was planning to get it registered but the motor vehicle department said I had to do a VIN test to verify the vehicle identity number first. So, I'll have to go and wait again, probably another hour or more.

So, frustrating.

I drove on my own the first time just now. I went to get gas. $$$$$$$$$$$$$

Very scary... Please, I don't want to hit anyone.

September 23, 2006, 10:01pm

I went to the Estes Park to see the Rocky Mountain and the changing colors of the leaves in the fall. So, here's this herd of elks. One elk guy can have a lot of ladies and kids.

It's cloudy and very cold up there. Well, they said it's not yet very cold...

I called it roast duck. Roast duck came to ask for food. Well, it's not allowed to kill them and it's also not allowed to feed them. Anyways, this roast duck probably knows the first rule but not the second. It kept staying with us around the picnic table.

It's very beautiful up there. Probably it will be even better if it's sunny and not as cold. Anyways, I still think Mountain of Heaven and Lake of Heaven in Urumqi is more beautiful. It's not just about the snowy mountains or the lakes.

The people living in that part of China are very tough to survive the extreme weather with limited resources. Many ethnic minorities are still nomads. But here, they have almost everything. It's a comfortable life here, mostly for the rich and retired.

September 23, 2006, 11:06am

I was in the gym with Dao. My physical therapist said I can ride the bike without resistance. So, I began riding the bike since last Saturday. I'm just real happy to be allowed to go to the gym again. Oh, I don't know how long I didn't play any sports. It's always the painful exercises to train my knees.

She said I should not swim with the breaststroke... Well, then, the swimming classes clash with all my classes this semester. So, before I can take the swimming classes to learn freestyle, I'd better stay away from the pool.

It's getting really cold... So, I'll get my car tomorrow at noon. Then I will need to find someone to help me practise driving. I cannot entertain the thought that I will need to stand in the snow waiting for the bus.

Septmber 22, 2006, 3:06pm

I didn't sleep until 4am last night. I'm just exhausted right now. I was preparing for the waiver test. I didn't want to take another regression class and was planning to test it out.

Well, I know half of the materials covered in the exam. So, probably I cannot pass. Not that I didn't study enough but my previous class didn't cover those topics or formula. So, I will have to graduate later... :(

Then, it's the frustration from the Fridya seminar, again. I wonder how they can be so innovative to find ways to waste my time.

Today, students were asked to discuss in groups which books may be of interested to the fellow students from a full box of book jackets that's accumulated for years and is about to send to the trash.

I didn't make that up. She said that. She said she's going to throw the book jackets away. Those book jackets are from books that are already in the library. So, come on, if you need a book for your work, why wouldn't you search in the library catelogue?

I just cannot figure out how I can read a book jacket to decide if it is useful to other students. I don't really know what others are doing, or if they are doing anything at al. And I suppose I would at least need to read the content page to decide if the book is useful to me.