September, 27, 2006, 6:18pm

So, I wrote the letter to mom last week and gave it to my counselor. Today, she asked me to read the letter aloud.

So, I was angry. She said this session was different from the previous sessions. I'm always in control of my emotions and feelings. I will need to learn how to feel my sadness and anger. Or those repressed feelings will express themselves in nightmares.

She also said, I have been hurt all these years. To heal, it's like to heal a physical wound. I cannot just put a bandaid on it to cover it. I need to clean and disinfect the wound... And it can be more painful to go through the healing process...

So, I agreed to begin the disinfection today. Feels like to peel the bandaid off... Pain. And the disgusting wound...

She also said the letter I wrote was very saddening. I don't really feel very sad. It's a lot of anger and tension. She said, it made sense when I was facing all the trauma. If I felt hurt, I was vulnerable. But if I was angry, I had the energy to fight back and survive.

So, maybe I'll have to try to be sad for a while... To peel off the bandaid that's hiding the wound for 29 years. I don't know how I can pour alcohol on my wound... I feel like I cannot survive the pain. But my counselor said I can do it.

I'll try. I don't want to be bothered about my past anymore. Somehow someday, I want to be healed. Then look at the scar and say, I'm healed.