October 30, 2006, 7:58pm

Psyche, thank you so much for your call last night. I need to feel I have connections outside this small town. I still don't like these small towns. Too small, too boring, nothing to do... Thank you.

Only four weeks away and it will be the finals. So many papers etc to do...

Many times I think about my counselor said I'm controlling my sadness etc. I need to release and not suppress my anger etc... I wonder if this is gender-biased. Will she say the same to a man? Will counselors ask a man to cry and release?

I agree that I hold back my frustration and tears since when I was very small. No point to cry or my mother would scold me even worse. Developmental theories usually employ the evolutionary perspective that crying is adaptive. Crying attracts parents attention etc. Well, depends on what kind of parents. I only got scolding as far as I can remember.

Anyways, it's my assignment to think about my childhood and feel sad about it, which is difficult. It's really difficult. My counselor said I'm used to turn off my negative emotion automatically. So, I think about it many times... I think about many incidents that I can still remember, the shock...

This particular memory is bothering me, so I got to write it down or I don't think I can focus on my readings.

I don't know how old I was. Maybe 6 or less. I was sick. For many times before this incident, I "liked" to be sick. Because my mother would be more gentle when I was sick. I couldn't remember what she would do but I remember I had this thought. So, I was lying in bed and my mother was in the middle of covering me with a blanket.

I said, I like to be sick. You treat me better.

She yelled, bullshit, what's good to be sick?

Her voice was like turning on the hifi without checking that the volume is set in maximum. I was shocked. Probably as shocked as little Albert in the classic study of classical conditioning, being conditioned to have fear towards rabbits and later generalized to any white soft toys.

So, I never "bullshit" again. And I never remember my mother being gentle to me anymore even when I was sick.

She's definitely adding salt and vinegar to my wounds so many times when I had injuries (this is figurative). All those yelling about my bad knees, about me being broken and handicapped, useless... Just to make sure to convince me that I deserve it and it's none of her responsibility.

Come on, I have never blamed her about my knees in the first place.

Ai. I'll have to be in the gym again tomorrow early in the morning for the physical therapy exercises. I really don't know how my knees can survive this winter in the snow.

October 28, 2006, 9:02pm

I went to my first football game. It's a free ticket from a friend. So, why not.

I still cannot follow the games. I know some rules now but still, I don't know what they're doing most of the time. Anyways, I like to see the cheerleaders and the bands. All these kids in uniforms always remind me the great time seeing the Queen's parade in her Golden Jubilee in London. :)

BTW, I went to the corn maze last night. It's to walk around to find out how to get out of the maze... I went after 8pm so it's totally dark. None of us got a flashlight... My little LED and the cell phones were the substitutes... So, no hope to get out. In the end, we had the staff to help us get out.

I don't really understand why Americans like to smash pumpkins and use corns as canons for fun. How wasting food is funny at all?

October 25, 2006, 10:02pm

I'm finally trying to relax. I was out to have a pumpkin party with friends. Yeah, it's in the evening so I had to drive. No bus after 6:15pm in this small town.

As always, anxious.

Then we watched "The Lake House" together. The movie has a car accident and a guy dies... Then I was anxious all the way. Come on, please drive safe. Please watch out for traffic before crossing the road. Please...

Then, the task after party was to find my car. I didn't remember exactly where I parked. So my two friends and I were walking around in the parking lot looking for my car for 5 minutes in the windy, dark, and cold evening.

Ahhhh... driving...

October 25, 2006, 6:00pm

My counselor said I'm always controlling my emotions. So, the way to do is to release my emotions. Far too often I'm holding back my sadness... And I'm scared about feeling emotions.

I don't want to lose control of my emotions. I have the fear that I will be crazy if I don't hold back my sadness. I don't want to be like my mother, to be simply uncontrollable. I also don't want to be sad, then I may be mean to others.

But my counselor said I won't be like my mother. I'm not her. So, my task this week is to feel my sadness... This is really difficult. I usually find ways to make myself happy when I'm sad.

I will try to do it anyways.

October 24, 2006, 9:05pm

I began physical therapy in the gym since last week. So, I have to go to the gym three times a week to do the exercises... Time. So, much time to work on my knees.

Anyways, I'm beginning to see the effect. My legs feel stronger. :)

I was using the eliptical machine this morning. It's new to me though I'm sure I have seen those machines a hundred times already. I simply didn't get on it and try because I couldn't be sure if it's good or bad for my knees.

So, I was very excited when my physical therapist let me hop on the elpitical this morning. Well, then, my left knee began to hurt after 5 minutes. And it's still swelling!

Anyways, being able to work out in the gym makes me feel much more energetic. I feel like I'm alive again. :D

October 21, 2006, 9:14pm

I went to a pumpkin farm to pick my own pumpkin and make the jack-o-lantern. :)

Pumpkins! I love the bright orange color. It makes me feel happy and energetic.

I carved my Jack's face. Whether it's work or play, it takes patience.

October 21, 2006, 3:08pm

I drove to the school gym, then to Walmart this morning... Oh, I'm just still anxious on the road...

The weather forcast said it's going to snow again. So, I'd better buy anything I need first. Then I don't have to worry about driving in snow.

October 21, 2006, 1:04am

So, I met my counselor again today. She gave me the narzar last week, the Turkish symbol for good luck. It's for my car. :)

Today, we talked about all those experiences I felt unfair when I was small. She said, I can be angry. Yes, I'm angry. I'm still angry after all these years. I hate all those suckheads I met. So, she said I'm doing good. I was always calm to talk about all those trauma. It's good to express my feelings.

I don't know what to do. The past is the past. I cannot change my experiences. But she said, I was hurt. It's OK to be angry. She would be angry too if those things happened to her. But I can change how I look at the past. OK, let's see.

October 18, 2006, 7:37pm

My roommate and I got crazy this morning. It's snowy snow!

We're taking pictures all the way going to school. :)

October 17, 2006, 10:07pm

It's snowing the whole day... Very cold. It's only 28F... -2.22C...

I was walking to the bus stop to go home and it took me forever. So, I missed the bus. Well, I got to be very careful. I don't want to fall in the snow.

I will need to learn how to drive in the snow... Very scary...

October 17, 2006, 12:45pm

It's snowing! My goodness. I'm totally unprepared. I thought it said it will snow tonight!

I don't have my snow jacket or boots. I only have a windbreaker and sneakers... My goodness. I was in the pool and weight room for physical therapy this morning. I planned not to have any thing bulky so it's easier to get the stuff in the locker...

Oh, snow... I got to learn to like it.

October 15, 2006, 9:50pm

I drove to the super Walmart this afternoon, under a friend's instruction. Well, it's quite a few scary things along the way... I felt like I was driving forever... :~~

I need to get over my anxiety about driving.

I got a pair of snow boots today. Yeah, $$$$$$$$$$$$ It says it's going to snow this week...

October 15, 2006, 12:31am

Feels like I'm getting superstitious... I saw many dead things after the night driving in the dark without any headlight.

Right when I got back to my apartment, there's a dead bug. Then this morning, there's a pigeon's left wing in the patio beside my bike... Very scary. Only one wing with feathers but without any body.

I feel like all these things die for me, sort of like a sacrifice because of my recklessness...

October 14, 2006, 8:15pm

I am done with a first aid class. I will be expecting my certification in six weeks. :)

I cannot believe it. After a week of assignments and midterm exam, I was up early and finished the class from 9 to 5. I'm just exhausted right now.

Anyways, I'm really happy. I want to learn first aid for about 10 years. Just haven't got the nerve to sign up for a class. Now I made it!

I saw too many tragedies every single day many times when I was a spots news reporter in the summer when I was the first year in CUHK. Car accidents, drowning, suicides... dead bodies... It was a trauma to see people suffering in pain, both surviving the injuries and losing their friends and family members.

I was not just helpless. I was supposed to take a picture, to the extent that I might be interfering rescue work. This is not right. But this is what I was supposed to do to make news.

Sucks.

So, I never join the Hong Kong media. I don't know what I can do to help people in need. But at least I don't want to do harm.

Learning first aid is one way to help, just in case I meet someone in need. Got to see if there's any voluntary organizations to join and put my skills into use.

October 11, 2006, 8:32pm

I told my friends and my physical therapist about my horrible experience last night. I'm still posttraumatic.

At least I have eaten something today.

Got to gather up my energy. It's my midterm tomorrow!

The trauma of driving reminds me how miserable and helpless when I was a kid. My counselor at UF talked about that. That I was all alone trying to handle stuff without guidance. That I put up with everything, trying to stay strong. Yet I was just a kid. I held up all the fear etc and put up a strong face. That was adaptive. But he said, I may need to learn how to put down my strong face and relax.

Yes, I was very helpless. I had a lot of things to do in school and didn't know how. So many other students would do things properly at least in the teachers' eyes. Yet I would come up with something else. I didn't mean to be a bad kid. I thought about it and figured that might be the way to do. It just happened that those were not in my teachers' expectations.

I was ashamed. I didn't know how. Other students would say, "Of course this is the way to do it!" This "of course" has a lot of things taken for granted. They had their parents to fill out all the school forms for them, etc. I only had myself. I had to fill out the forms, then asked my mother a million times to have her sign the form. At times, she would threaten me that she's not going to sign.

The first day in P. 1, one of the assignment was to "recite" the first chapter in the Chinese book. 背書, well, I don't know how helpful it was to learn Chinese but it was an assignment. I didn't know the meaning of 背. The teacher presumed everyone knew what it meant. And I didn't ask.

I didn't have anyone to ask at home. The next day, the whole class was ready to recite the chapter aloud. It's then I know what recite means. It's to read the text aloud without looking at the book. I still wonder why there's such an assignment to do throughout my school years. Why recite every single word in the chapters? Why does it matter if you miss one or two words, if those are not the keywords? Does reciting help learning at all? What are students expected to learn?

Then, the teacher picked some students to stand up and recite. I was very threatened. I couldn't do it. I was not prepared. Luckily, I was not picked.

I have learnt a lot of things the hard way, probably because I have not had any guidance. But this is how I would never forget the lessons I learnt.

Like last night, the cop stopped me. I asked him all the questions I could come up with about driving at night. He was incredibly kind and showed me how to use the heater and fan to defrost the windows. He also showed me how to use the headlights, high and low beam.

If I were him, I would surely wonder how I could have got my license.

October 11, 2006, 12:00am

I could have died. I don't know how I did that. I drove in the dark without any headlight.

So, this is my first time to drive in the dark. I only drove in the dark in Florida with knowlegeable drivers sitting beside me to remind me about lights etc.

This evening, I drove on my own, with my roommate. She didn't know how to drive.

I couldn't see. It's a lot of mist on the window when I was out of the parking lot. I couldn't see the lines then I realized I was on the left lane. This is crazy.

So, I found a parking lot to stop. My roommate and I cleaned the front and back windows. Then, I was too anxious and forgot to have the headlights on.

I made it close to my apartment. God knows how I did that. Then a police car stopped me.

I asked the cop how I could remove the mist and have the headlights on. He's patient enough to answer all my questions.

I still cannot believe I'm alive. I don't know what to do to be sure I'm not dead.

Now I cannot eat. I cannot think. But I have my midterm to do this Thursday.

October 9, 2006, 8:07pm

It's very cold... just like London. Gray, cold, windy, rain...

It's only 37F outside. The lowest will be 28F! So, probably it will snow...

October 9, 2006, 12:08am

Just want to write down my reflections on this news report before I begin my physical therapy exercises.

http://hk.news.yahoo.com/061008/12/1ua0j.html

1. I've seen far too many similar studies to ask adolescents etc about what their parents have done. Is there any study on parents and ask them what they have done and why they do what they do on their kids?

2. I think I have more dramatic quotations about demeaning kids. "If you don't do your homework, I will give you dog shit to eat," "If you don't study hard, you go push the cart and sell roast pork buns."

These creative words came from my mom. Well, I was too small to think of any stigma associated with selling roast pork buns or dim sum in general. I still don't think it's anything stigmatizing or unrespectable to sell food. Anywaysl, I think I didn't want to eat dog shit.

The sick part was, I was already working on my homework. Why all these nonsense yelling? I just do my homework. I just do it on my own. I don't need to be reminded about doing homework. I don't have any tutorial help. Yet, I had to "parent" her and asked her several times before she would sign on my handbook.

Another sick part was, the teacher scolded students for not having the parent's signature on the handbook. Come on, stupid heads, go scold the parents. I was not authorized to sign. If I was the one required to sign on the handbook, I would have signed already. It's the parents who are supposed to do their job. Why scold the kids? Suckheads. All these adults I met when I was small, all sucked.

Then, I got achievements in school. I have learnt self-learn, maybe this is the most valuable skill I learnt through adversity. Then there's more adversity to come to be "successful" in school.

"You go to the university. You are snobbish," "You know nothing else. You only read books. You are stupid."

So, what's the point to scold me about working hard? There're at least two reasons why she had no point. First, in operant conditioning studies, I suppose scolding is a form of positive punishment. Supposingly, I got to reduce the targeted behaviors to reduce the undesirable stimulus, i.e. scolding. Punishment may work to reduce behaviors, not increase behaviors. If she really wanted me to work hard, to increase the behaviors related to studying hard, reinforcements should be introduced.

Second, I suppose I finally got the rewards for working hard in school. I got into the university etc. I have the options not to push the cart and sell roast pork buns. So, why is she still yelling? Yelling wouldn't stop me from getting what I have already got. I got into university, that's a fact, the past. It's not an act of behavior that I could reduce or increase my frequency of performing the act. Yelling simply won't change the past.

So, my conclusion is, she is crazy. Got to talk to my counselor this week.

October 8, 2006, 9:43pm

I cannot believe it. I have been sitting in front of my laptop working all day. The weather alert comes up frequently to remind me about the falling temperature. Early this afternoon, it's 54F. Then, it's falling constantly... 52, 50, 48, 45... It's only 41F now!

My goodness. I'm having pain in my left elbow and shoulder, probably because of the cold. Come on, I don't use the mouse with my left hand. How come I have pain on the left...

How can I survive the winter...

October 8, 2006, 4:29pm

The weather forcast says there will be snow and rain tomorrow night. Oh, it's cloudy and cold the whole day. I woke up this morning wondering whether the heater was on.

Good enough I drove around yesterday in the sun without any snow. Or I would simply get a heart attack and die right away. I don't think I can handle the stress to drive in the snow while I was getting lost, trying to figure out how to get to where I wanted to go.

October 7, 2006, 8:19pm

It's the CSU Homecoming weekend. So, this morning, I was up at 7am, planning to go to the gym before going to the parade... Only to find out that the gym opens at 8am when I was there at 7:30am...

Anyways, after physical therapy in the pool and spa, I went to see the parade. The pictures are not very good. I am sorry but I cannot control the shutter etc with this digital camera...

This is the ram, called Cam. It's the CSU mascot.

Just like when I was in Florida, they had the military, veterans, police, fire fighters, schools, and local businesses.

Then I had the Mid-Autumn Festival party with the Taiwanese students. It's barbeque and pizza. I left before they had mooncakes. I had to go to have oil change and fluid check for my car. I got lost! I printed out the directions already. Still got lost. So very frustrating.

I got the air filter changed and washed the car. I also bought a tire pressure gauge, and a brush to remove snow and ice. A friend helped me with that. I don't want to know how much I paid all these things for my car today.

So, after biking around campus in the morning, my knees now ache like hell. :(

October 6, 2006, 11:20pm

I slept like dead after my presentation. Only woke up hearing the fireworks. It's the CSU homecoming this weekend.

So, it's cloudy tonight. The moon's behind the clouds. Maybe I will have to chase the moon tomorrow. Psyche, I shared the mooncake with my roommate!

I met my counselor again this morning. I was complaining about school and she said this was the first time she saw me getting angry. But I didn't express much of my anger about my mother.

So, she said I was kicking the dog. That is, I project my anger elsewhere, and not directing to my mother, the source of most of my anger.

This is strange. I have never thought about it this way. I simply cannot show my anger towards my mom. This is automatic yet I'm still very angry at her. I just don't show my anger.

I don't know what to do. So, my assignment this week is to think about my goal in the next sessions.

October 5, 2006, 8:32pm

So, I will give a presentation in the Friday seminar tomorrow. It's my master's dissertation done in London, five years ago...

I don't even remember how to pronounce "Bourdieu," the French sociologist/anthropoligist's name. So, I went to the foreign language department and asked a French instructor how to say this name yesterday.

I was studying my own work again. It's a long time ago, I don't actually feel this is my work.

I hope it will be a cloudless night tomorrow. I really want to see the full moon. At least we'll be looking at the same moon in places far apart.

October 3, 2006, 11:00pm

I took my roommate to go grocery shopping this afternoon. She's really brave. I was driving.

I'm about to have panic attack just thinking about driving! Nervous, nervous, nervous.

Then when we're back home, she's beginning to cook for supper. She was heating very little oil with maximum fire. So, the smoke triggered the fire alarm. Then, she's trying to rinse the oil with water but the water plus oil mixture was splashing everywhere violently.

And she's there holding the pan! I asked her to put it down... then she's putting it down on the floor. I said, no, in the sink.

Then, finally, I fanned the fire alarm for a while until the beeper's off. I also got to calm my roommate down. She's really scared. This is only her third week learning to cook. Well, I'm in psychology. I suppose I have to help her live through her traumatic learning experience.

A new driver and a new cook living together really result in a lot of surprise and anxiety. :)

October 1, 2006, 6:22pm

So, I don't have any firework for the Chinese National Day here. I miss the crowd, colors, and noise.

This is what I have here. Beautiful isn't it? It's like gold under the evening sun. Maybe this is why we say "money tree." Yes, it's really like gold falling from the tree. My car is sitting right beside it. :)

Look at this. In a few days, all the gold leaves will fall off, just like the one standing right beside it.

This is the same tree, last week. The leaves were beginning to turn gold. Then today, there's no leave left! I cannot believe it!!! (BTW, the black hole in the middle is my apartment.)

I swear. This is the same tree, last week with leaves. Oh, this is life. Life comes and goes.