October 30, 2006, 7:58pm

Psyche, thank you so much for your call last night. I need to feel I have connections outside this small town. I still don't like these small towns. Too small, too boring, nothing to do... Thank you.

Only four weeks away and it will be the finals. So many papers etc to do...

Many times I think about my counselor said I'm controlling my sadness etc. I need to release and not suppress my anger etc... I wonder if this is gender-biased. Will she say the same to a man? Will counselors ask a man to cry and release?

I agree that I hold back my frustration and tears since when I was very small. No point to cry or my mother would scold me even worse. Developmental theories usually employ the evolutionary perspective that crying is adaptive. Crying attracts parents attention etc. Well, depends on what kind of parents. I only got scolding as far as I can remember.

Anyways, it's my assignment to think about my childhood and feel sad about it, which is difficult. It's really difficult. My counselor said I'm used to turn off my negative emotion automatically. So, I think about it many times... I think about many incidents that I can still remember, the shock...

This particular memory is bothering me, so I got to write it down or I don't think I can focus on my readings.

I don't know how old I was. Maybe 6 or less. I was sick. For many times before this incident, I "liked" to be sick. Because my mother would be more gentle when I was sick. I couldn't remember what she would do but I remember I had this thought. So, I was lying in bed and my mother was in the middle of covering me with a blanket.

I said, I like to be sick. You treat me better.

She yelled, bullshit, what's good to be sick?

Her voice was like turning on the hifi without checking that the volume is set in maximum. I was shocked. Probably as shocked as little Albert in the classic study of classical conditioning, being conditioned to have fear towards rabbits and later generalized to any white soft toys.

So, I never "bullshit" again. And I never remember my mother being gentle to me anymore even when I was sick.

She's definitely adding salt and vinegar to my wounds so many times when I had injuries (this is figurative). All those yelling about my bad knees, about me being broken and handicapped, useless... Just to make sure to convince me that I deserve it and it's none of her responsibility.

Come on, I have never blamed her about my knees in the first place.

Ai. I'll have to be in the gym again tomorrow early in the morning for the physical therapy exercises. I really don't know how my knees can survive this winter in the snow.