December 6, 2006, 8:53pm

I went home at 4:30pm then dropped dead in bed. I was so exhausted after seeing my counselor. I felt like being beaten up...

She asked me the goal and purpose to have counseling. And I don't know. So, then, what is my purpose in life? What do I want to become? I don't know...

I said it's good to have a scheduled meeting. So if I don't show up, and if I die, at least she will notice, if no one else.

She asked why I feel that way, if I have friends, and if I am lonely. I have friends. I have socials with friends and don't have time for more. I don't feel lonely... I actually feel very occupied having too many friends around...

Well, but then when I think about it after seeing her, yes, I feel lonely. Not that I don't have people around me. But I'm being protective. I don't want to be very close with people. So, in a way, I'm lonely even when I have friends around. I have the fear of being hurt.

Then, I think I know what I want too... Just by saying that I don't know, it avoids the possibility of failure. I have been telling myself I don't know what I want for too long. If I don't know what I want, how can I end up here?

I want to do top reseach, the quality of research I saw at LSE. I hate the Hong Kong universities so much. The professors had little clue what they were doing. They didn't know anything about research design or statistics. Some even didn't have SPSS in their computer. And that paranoid stupid lady even accused me for giving her SPSS output without telling her what to read.

Sucks, all sucks. No point to be a slave for those stupid heads with no brain and no knowledge in statistics. They didn't blame themselves for being incompetent. She blamed me for not assisting her to interpret the output. Come on, how come you don't know in the first place?

Then, it's like when I get out of hell, from those stupid Hong Kong professors (I must say, not all of them, but most of them) and my family, I don't know where to head to. Now, I don't have to worry about my family, but I don't know what to do. No daily struggle with nonsense arguments anymore. I have a relatively peace of mind. But I let all those struggles to stay in my memory and I continue to struggle with my family in my head.

Then, I let myself to be trapped in a similar state of confusion. I don't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle my family when I was with them. Now, I didn't know what to do with my memory of them. Why would I have so many unknowns? It's like I'm used to be in a state of confusion and I let myself drill in it.

I got to wake up. It's already 1.5 years I left Hong Kong. No point to stay in confusion anymore. I know what I want. I have lost a lot of confidence and self-respect living with my family who's always creating faults in me. I need to get back my self-esteem.

For so many years I know what I want and I get what I want. I have accomplishments. I can do the same in the coming years. I should stop self-defeating and begin working on what I want, instead of deceiving myself that I don't know what I want.

Let me set out my goals in counseling.

1. To learn self-love.
2. To recognize my strength for surviving my horrible childhood and early adulthood.
3. To be positive about my relationship with my family. To believe that my past does not damage me. And don't let the past hinder my future growth. I come out strong from adversities.
4. To recognize my fear thinking about the possibility of seeing my family again. They are my enemies for so long. And my memories of them become my own enemies. I have the intensive fear of being hurt though I don't want to recognize that I was hurt.

Twiggy, you're right. An angry person can be vulnerable. It's difficult to change. It is threatening just thinking about to be less protective about myself. But I have only one life. I want to experience the full range of experience. I don't want to regret the day when I leave this world. I don't want to hear myself to say, "I didn't live my life to the full."

I cannot go hiking, snowshoeing, ice-skating, skiing... My knees won't do. But there is always this possibility that my physical therapy will strengthen my knees to the point that I can engage in these activities one day. I still have hope.

I should look at the bright side of the future. I need to recognize the confusion in the future and the dark side of my past. But these shouldn't hinder me from realizing my potentials.