March 28, 2007, 12:02am

This is through the same window and the same perspective. But things have changed a lot since spring came. It only took the grass a week to turn green and the trees are beginning to have new leaves.

It's a feeling of life everywhere. :)

I finally have a feeling that I'm recovering from the trauma. The tough times are gone, at least temporarily.

I'm getting enough sleep, eating well, and working hard. No sharp pain in my chest. No anger. No fear.

***

Read about the Lau fans in the Hong Kong news. Somehow, some kinds of passion, desires, and persistence are labeled "craziness" or "worthlessness" or "age-inappropriateness."

Well, I have another kind of craziness. I'm becoming 30 and am still in school. I stay in the lab looking at the data and reading papers the whole day in the lab, then do the same in my room until after midnight.

What kind of craziness was it to pay so much for the GRE prep books and taking the tests? What kind of craziness was it to study day and night, even when I was waiting for the bus and being stuck in the MTR?

Somehow, some kinds of passion, desires, and persistence are deemed more legitimate than others. What are the criteria for the standards of worthiness of passion, desires, and persistence?

For the counselor I met before I left HK, going for a PhD was deemed "crazy," "worthless," and "age-inappropriate." I should get married and "give birth to children for my husband."

F--k. I have things I want to do for myself. Why would I have to worry about a "husband" that did not and does not and may not ever exist?

If I really look into what I'm actually doing to finish my PhD program, maybe more people will say this is "crazy" and "worthless." Who cares the questions that I'm asking and looking for the way for an answer? A few in the academia.

But the human society needs "crazy" people who made wooden wings to put on their backs and jumped off the cliff.