June 15, 2006, 11:55am

It all began 10 years ago.

May, 1996, HKAL was over. June, 1996, watched Up Close and Personal. Could never (and still not) forget June 4. September, 1996, got into JLM, CUHK.

Was expecting a career life of adventures, excitement, challenges, satisfactions... Theories were great. Professional ethics were fantastic. Homework was challenging.

Yet the internship in Wen Wei Po in 1997 taught me journalism at least part of the reality in the Hong Kong media. Self-censorship, 16-hour work day and 1 day day-off in two weeks (a slave in postmodern time), waiting and waiting for hours for nonsense high and low officials to speak nonsense, write "news stories" not for its newsworthiness but to please the rich and influential (or those half-way rich and influential)...

The 1997 handover was always roast piglet cutting for me.

Sick.

Fortunately, I found a way out in the total darkness. I found psychology. I saw far too many suicides every day I wanted to see in the two weeks as a spot news reporter. Other reporters might see those tragedies as everyday life. Peeked into private homes to take pictures. Acted as spy to listen what the suicide survivors grieved about in the hospital counseling room. Joked about the guy who jumped, lying on the ground as a layer of broken bone pieces, pants off...

Sickened.

I wanted to change. I don't want to be in the frontline going to the scene when tragedies happen. I want to learn what has happened before suicides. Until today, I am still trying to learn about human psychology. How we are stressed. How we are sad. How we are happy.

I has taken me so long in this life full of questions. I'm glad that I'm still going.