August 15, 2005, 10:47pm

It's a very long day after three orientations: graduate students (9:00am-10:30am), international students (10:45am-11:15am) and teaching assistants (1:00pm-3:15pm).

My knees are now swollen, after the 15-minute walk to the library during the lunch break, with the piles of orientation materials on my back. Of course, I had to walk another 15 minutes back to the ballroom for the TA orientation after the break.

Ever since my preparation for GREs, the PhD process has been like, oh well, another pile of paper to work through again? The GRE bulletins, TOEFL bulletin, TSE bulletin, GRE prep., PhD application forms, offer letters, immunization, tax documents, visa application... I have probably missed out a lot.

Then, as a graduate student, I got a handbook. As an international student, I got a folder of stuff. And as a teaching assistant, I got a huge folder of handbook and other stuff.

Undoubtedly, I'm supposed to study them: guidelines, regulations, calendar, deadlines... They don't just give out print materials. I have a CD rom too.

Well, I have met several people looking at me, as if going for a PhD is going for a travel tour. Fun. Pure fun. One even goes so far to say (I'm not going to name that person here), you need a husband. You don't need a PhD. You have studied enough. You got a master's already.

Now, look at these piles of policies, guidelines and handbooks. This is the beginning of what I have got: being a graduate student, an internation student and a teaching assistant.

I'm not whining about the task to study these documents. I know it's essential for me to know how to get things done in a totally new environment, education system and workplace. I just want to show that it takes a lot to get here and to get a lot from here. You see what is expected of me. It's hard work.

I didn't finish Edward Said's Representations of the Intellectual. But in my experience, I have been viewed as an unrealistic dreamer or a deviant who do not conform to the social norms to get a husband and "give him a baby." Well, I was not even asked if I want to have a baby. This is seen as what I must do. No alternative. No objection. No say at all.

I was also viewed as being "out of touch" from the world -- Well, what is this world and whose world is it? -- that I wanted to "pick the stars."

Well, look at these piles of stuff in front of me. I suppose you got to be realistic and practical enough to be able to manage your time and organize yourself to make the time and study them. And for those people who do not have any experience in the graduate school, how on earth that they can devalue this potentially gratifying and rewarding experience? What's worse, to find or create faults in people who decide to pursue this path?

I got to stop here and work on my physiotherapy exercises. I need to be in the ballroom for another day for the TA orientation, 8:30am-3:15pm, tomorrow.